The True Measure of the Advancement of a Civilization is in the Yogurt it Invents to Make Women Take a Dump

Much like the Mayans and their calendar or the Egyptians and their hieroglyphs, our American civilization is sure to be remembered most throughout history by our invention of bacteria-infused yogurt that makes chicks shit. Rather than waste precious minutes each day consuming fruits and vegetables to regulate digestion-as hundreds of thousands of years of evolution has turned into a flawless process-women can now eat one serving of a scientifically engineered dairy substance that will have them racing for the toilet a mere 2 weeks after their initial intake. What sane person would eat 5 servings of fruits and vegetables today and wait to take a normal dump two days later when they could solve their constipation problems by eating pseudo-dairy substance today and every day for the next 13 days with the promise of a glorious dump on day 15? Its a no-brainer. The Charlie Mansons, David Berkowitzs, Ted Kaczynskis and Lindsay Lohan's of the world can keep their poop-by-plants method, the rational among us are taking yogurt shits thank you very much. If Jamie Lee is on the shit-by-cultured-milk plan, then please tell me why the fuck aren't you? The people at the U.S. Apple Association must have complete and utter mouth-breathers on the payroll in Marketing. Activia has Jamie Lee hawking utter nonsense in the form of turd-inducing yogurt while the Apple Association has nada on the natural product. How fucking hard can this be? I'll give them their new ad campaign for free: Steven Baldwin as spokesman for "Eat 3 Apples Today, Take Two Dumps Tomorrow". Done and done. If you start eating two apples per day today whilst your friend starts the Activia Challenge on the same day, I guarangoddamntee you that you can take a shit right in her chevy chase long before her two weeks kick in.