Friday, December 30, 2011

I'm In a FAST Market for New Years Resolutions in 2012

These are my many 2012 New Years Resolutions:

1. Keep being fucking awesome, day-in, day-out. 
2. I promise to not lose any weight or get in shape in 2012.  You know why?  Because I don't eat like a fucking sow with no pride in myself, and I work harder to warm up than you do in 60 minutes of reading "Us Weekly" on an elliptical machine.
3. I will continue to be an asshole.
4. I will look at the glass as half-empty.
5. I will drink more than the surgeon general recommends.
6. I will prepare my 9 month old child for the new reality of post-US dominated Earth by teaching her valuable life skills such as cheating, stealing, making other people look bad to get ahead, growing potatoes, ditching bread lines, running from irrational angry mobs, stabbing people with improvised knives, grifting, making stew from leather goods, fighting for her supper, and speaking Mandarin Chinese. 
7. I will give the dirtiest looks I can summon to all people at the gym who are there for 6 weeks as part of their resolutions.
8. I absolutely will continue to think about my goals yet do absolutely nothing towards achieving them.
9. I hope to start the process of thinking my kid is better looking, smarter, and more talented than her peers.
10. I won't help people unless there is something of equal or greater value in it for me.
11. Develop new conspiracy theories to explain how "I'm getting fucked over".
12. I might actually turn this into a web site, but probably not.
13. Continue to dominate in every way imaginable, up to and including increasing my running pace--without breathing hard--past people on the bike path who are struggling mightily and breathing hard.

These are my promises to you, the people.  Have a lovely fucking New Years.  Don't drink and drive.  When you are making the decision at 3am "I don't really want to sleep on Dave's sofa with the jizz stains and crotch whiff, I'm just gonna drive home", try to think of this: Is getting one night of miserable, hungover sleep in your own bed worth getting a giant dong stuffed up your ass against your will for 5 years in the joint because you crossed the center line and killed a family of 5 coming home from a nerd New Year playing Scrabble sober at their grandma's house?  Is it worth it?  Be safe and feel secure that I will be dominating in 2012.

Suck it 2011, I owned you. 

Thursday, December 29, 2011

It Was God's Plan for Me to get Fucked Up on Christmas Eve Eve

I bear absolutely no responsibility for my raging hangover on Christmas Eve.  If you were offended by it, then talk to the big guy upstairs.  "Why would you want to be hungover and borderline ill for your daughter's first Christmas Eve at Grandma's house?".  Because God wanted it that way is my answer.  If God didn't want me to be hungover all day Saturday, then why did he(she....but not he-she, though if that is what it is, then I guess that is cool) insist on me drinking heavy beer in the evening, followed by Islay Scotch all night?  Riddle me that, Batman.  If it is God's plan for the Denver Broncos to go on a 5 game winning streak, for your aunt Penny to meet her soul mate (aka 4th husband) Lenny on, and if it is all part of the Lord's Divine Plan that your kid have spinal bifida, then I guarangoddamntee you that Yahweh drew it up on his X's and O's board that I was to get Native American at a land negotiation drunk on December 23rd.  I would take responsibility for my actions if only I was actually guiding myself through this so-called "life".  But I'm not.  This is God's plan baby, and I'm just along for the ride.  Fuck free will.  Listen, God laid before me a fantastic day of exploring a quaint little town in Central Ohio, and a bar with a highly respectable beer list in said town.  God then guided our sleigh back to my parents' house, where God had the foresight to send me earlier in the morning to a local market to acquire numerous bottles of excellent ale.  God put my young child to slumber and brought to my parents' home excellent friends.  God also placed in the cupboard an excellent bottle of Ardbeg Uigeadail Islay Scotch.  God then ignited a lovely roaring fire in a woodsy setting with a very comfortable sofa on which to lounge.  Now you tell me Johnny Teetotaler....What the fuck was I supposed to do?  Was I to walk up to the man God himself, point at something in the sky with alarm, and then while his attention was diverted upward, swat him as hard as I could in the ball sack with the back of my hand?  Maybe you would bag God, buy I sure as shit am not.  So I did what the Lord intended and got shitfaced.  At least I stumbled--at some point--to bed.  Other players in God's plan for Zach's December 23rd apparently "fell asleep" on the sofa and in a chair, only to be discovered by the matriarch at 3am as Bluegrass was still being broadcast over the stereo from Heaven.  Thankfully for me, God did not want me to have a stiff neck on Christmas Eve.  Only a sour stomach, body-rattling belches, a throbbing skull and constant feeling of being underwater all day. 

I'm Scotch-Irish.  What the fuck do you want from me?   

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Only People Who Read "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" are Chicks and Douche Bags

So the question is: Which one am I?  That is fuckin'-A right Peter, I finally caved, traded in my balls, and am fully immersed in TGWTDT.  Just buried in that shit on the bus.  Oh I'm sorry Ms. Octogenarian with the walker and colostomy bag, you can remain standing.  Because your thrice broken hip doesn't have shit on me needing to figure out just how in the mcmutherfuck Blomkvist got drawn into this whole Nordic intrigue in the first place.  Oh and you, little Miss Fell on a Dick and are now 9 1/2 months pregnant, sweating and about to go into labor on my lap.  Give me some fucking space!  I need to get to the moment where we FINALLY meet the bitch with the Medieval dinosaur ink.  I'm NOT FUCKING THERE YET!  Besides, I'm not the one that got all hot and heavy and couldn't stop to run down to 711 for a slushy and 3-pack of Trojans.  So prop your bump on some other schmuck's knee and let me get my story on bitch.  Man, I just hope I run into Oprah somewhere and she asks me about the book.  I'll talk Oprah and her lesbian lover, er I mean best friend, Gayle to Gurnee and back about this Eastern European phantom industry.  I cannot wait!  And to all you little teen bitches out there hoping to be front row tonight for the movie premier........I'm already sitting in the fucking seat with a piss bucket under it.  That is right, my bro Ronnie from back in the day is still night manager at the cineplex and let me in through the alley door last night for a joint and a bag of Grippo's.  You start talking about that hot guy Kevin from first period Chemistry while Daniel Craig is staring into my very soul.....I will bitch slap you back into Generation Y.    

Friday, December 2, 2011

Herman Cain is a Pimp, Deal With It

What Herman Cain has is a pound of Alabama blacksnake, and it ain't too buku.  Old boy likes his trim.  And so fucking what?  Is he a scumbag?  Probably; what politician isn't?  But the big question is, why do people give a shit?  Because the media, and their antiquated, bullshit Puritan heritage makes them care.  But stop and really think about what you are getting pissed over.  Herman Cain is a philanderer.  I fail to see how this is applicable to a potential job as president.  Do these fucktards have any concept in the known world of what morality actually is?  Because they sure as shit don't have a fucking clue what the definition of the word "Hypocrisy" is.  Let's just get a few details out in the open:

-Given he hasn't even won the GOP nomination, we can probably eliminate Democrats as the people orchestrating this witch hunt, or as Cain's official statement says, "They are trying to do a character assassination on me".  Sweet fucking publicist dude, great sentence.  Did you hire Marion Berry as head of PR?  "Bitch set me up!".  Try, "They are conducting a character assassination".  "They are perpetrating a character assassination."  "I'm the victim of a vicious character assassination."  Nope....okay, go with the sentence a 7th grade school yard tough would use then, ya fuck.  Anyway, even if he already had the nomination, the Democrats wouldn't care that he was runnin' all up in hoes for moral reasons, but rather just to throw a red herring in front of the real issue at hand.   

-So it is other GOP hopefuls striking down Herman.  And they know what the new GOP voting base loves: To hate people who are not moral or Jesusy.  And they fucking loves them some HYPOCRISY.  "What the fuck are you talking about Zach?" you might be asking yourself.  Here is what the fuck I'm talking about:  The same assholes who are up in arms about Herman Cain hittin' bitches with his magic stick like it's Whacking Day (Simpsons fans will get it....."Oh Whacking Day, Oh Whacking Day..."), given what I've stated in these two bullet points, are the GOP voting base.  The same voting base who got massive hardons and jizzed all over their own trousers whenever GW Bush launched a murderous, unprovoked attack on completely defenseless brown people in an area of the world their feeble bird brains couldn't even hope to comprehend.  They would never dream of taking a ship to Iraq or Afghanistan for fear it would fall off the end of the flat Earth.  They loved their tax money being used to murder tens of thousands of people so fucking much, they voted his band of armchair warriors right back into office. 

This is what it really comes down to.  Most are a-okay with launching terrorist attacks on people they don't have to look at, so long as it is the in the name of "protecting our freedom", regardless of how many completely innocent people going about their day are killed as human collateral damage.  But hit on a woman who isn't your wife at work, or bang a chick you aren't married to for a couple of years.....that shit ain't gonna stand Jack!  I mean, how could he be Christian if he is committing adultery?  He is TOTALLY Christian if he is killing people all in the name of some abstract concept like Freedom, but not if he is having sex outside of his marriage.  Makes sense. 

Listen, I freely admit I don't know a goddamn thing about Herman Cain.  Not one thing.  I know that he is considered to be near the top of the list of the GOP presidential candidates.  I also know that he is black.  Further, I know that the current yellow-dog voting block of the GOP is the Southeastern United States, and those cats do not like the blacks.  So using logic, I can deduce that this guy is one scary mutherfucker.  Like make Hitler blush sort of shit.  If you are one of the front-runners of a GOP campaign ticket, and you are some shade of brown, you must be a crazy bastard.  That is all I know about Herman Cain the man and candidate.  If he is also a Mississippi Leg Hound, what does that matter?  Does being randy adversely affect job performance as president?  Hell no.  You might want to check out FDR's record, and not on combating poverty or fascism, but on combating skirt.  Dude couldn't even walk and he was crushing it.  Try to find 5 people in the same place, even if that place is Madison Square Garden, who will go on record saying "FDR was a shitty president".  You won't find them, trust me.  I'm not even sure you could scrape together 5 90 year old Germans who could agree they didn't like him.  Or JFK for that matter.  Did snogging Marilyn Monroe and about a dozen other women before-and while in the Oval Office-keep him from giving dominating speeches and making housewives from sea to shining sea swoon?  No, it did not.  So why would Cain's philandering past have any bearing on his ability to be president?  It doesn't.  Stupidity does.  Tough to understand complex international, economic and political issues when you are barely smarter than my goldendoodle.  Which makes it tough to do your job as president without fucking up and leading us into WWIII.  But the new GOP base doesn't care about stupidity, because they are 1 I.Q. point north of "Developmentally Impaired" themselves.  This is why they'll gladly vote for a Sarah Palin or a GW Bush, while seething and demanding blood when a certified genius (the scores are available to prove that he is) like Bill Clinton gets his helmet polished in the White House.  Better to kill many than to get your dick sucked by one.  Poor Slick Willie.  For all the brains in the world, he let the little brain ruin everything.  But like my man Bernie Mac said in "Bad Santa", "Likes to fuck big women.  So what?"  Preach it Bernie, preach it!  So what?  Herman Cain is a straight up playaz playa, so what?  If you like his politics, if you think he would be a great leader, don't pay attention to that noise.  It is meaningless.  If you hate his politics and think he would be a shit leader, you still shouldn't care if he is a pimp.  Listen, if you were in WWII, and about to be launched into an offensive in Italy under the command of General Patton, and you thought he was a stone cold badass, and your balls were absolutely throbbing to kill some fascists in his name, would it matter to you if someone said "Hey, did you know Patton has been tearing up prostitutes all over Marrakech during leave?  AND he has a wife at home!"  Hell no you wouldn't care.  In fact if it was me, I'd be all the more bloodthirsty knowing my commander was not only a badass, but was also crushing ass all over town. 

I also love how when something like this occurs, the skeletons just come marching out of the closet with a whole drum corps and horn section and everything.  Ugly bitches from here to Timbuktu who never said shit in real time, but are suddenly all up in arms about it 20 years later.  Not coincidental at all that the bank is about to foreclose on their home and they are addicted to painkillers.  It was just the "right time" to finally address this long time grievance they've been harboring.  No, I'm not advocating sexual misconduct.  I'm just bashing opportunism. 

*I don't hate Republicans, for the record.  At least not all of them.  I have many close friends and relatives who fall on the rational end of the Republican spectrum.  And just like my Democrat friends and relatives who fall on the rational end of that spectrum, they are dandy by me.  However, when good, competent, smart, decent people go out and vote for a useless tit like, say, GW Bush en masse, all in the name of the "the party", that is when you know your political system is Straight. Up.  Fucked. 

End of chat.  Jesus, I intended this to be about 1-2 paragraphs.  Just a quick zinger.  This is what happens when you drink too much caffeine on a Friday.  Let that be a lesson to you kids: Coffee makes you opinionated.