These are my many 2012 New Years Resolutions:
1. Keep being fucking awesome, day-in, day-out.
2. I promise to not lose any weight or get in shape in 2012. You know why? Because I don't eat like a fucking sow with no pride in myself, and I work harder to warm up than you do in 60 minutes of reading "Us Weekly" on an elliptical machine.
3. I will continue to be an asshole.
4. I will look at the glass as half-empty.
5. I will drink more than the surgeon general recommends.
6. I will prepare my 9 month old child for the new reality of post-US dominated Earth by teaching her valuable life skills such as cheating, stealing, making other people look bad to get ahead, growing potatoes, ditching bread lines, running from irrational angry mobs, stabbing people with improvised knives, grifting, making stew from leather goods, fighting for her supper, and speaking Mandarin Chinese.
7. I will give the dirtiest looks I can summon to all people at the gym who are there for 6 weeks as part of their resolutions.
8. I absolutely will continue to think about my goals yet do absolutely nothing towards achieving them.
9. I hope to start the process of thinking my kid is better looking, smarter, and more talented than her peers.
10. I won't help people unless there is something of equal or greater value in it for me.
11. Develop new conspiracy theories to explain how "I'm getting fucked over".
12. I might actually turn this into a web site, but probably not.
13. Continue to dominate in every way imaginable, up to and including increasing my running pace--without breathing hard--past people on the bike path who are struggling mightily and breathing hard.
These are my promises to you, the people. Have a lovely fucking New Years. Don't drink and drive. When you are making the decision at 3am "I don't really want to sleep on Dave's sofa with the jizz stains and crotch whiff, I'm just gonna drive home", try to think of this: Is getting one night of miserable, hungover sleep in your own bed worth getting a giant dong stuffed up your ass against your will for 5 years in the joint because you crossed the center line and killed a family of 5 coming home from a nerd New Year playing Scrabble sober at their grandma's house? Is it worth it? Be safe and feel secure that I will be dominating in 2012.
Suck it 2011, I owned you.
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