Thursday, April 28, 2011

Should Cleveland Browns Fans (Myself Included) Collectively Jump Off a Bridge?

Whilst checking Facebook, Twitter, the Internet in general, and other media sources the past day I witnessed probably the most depressing thing I've lived through as a life-long Browns fan. Some Browns fans are amped as all fuck because Peyton Hillis was voted onto the cover of the upcoming release of Madden Football. It isn't like he won the MVP or something. Fans voted him onto the cover. Of a video game. Fuck me runnin'. This is ground zero of being a Browns fan. And mind you, I've lived through the following:

-That horse-toothed fuck John Elway and "The Drive". I was about 7 years old at the time, and when it was over my friend Jason Price and I knew enough at that age to go into his bedroom and start launching Tonka trucks all over the place, while crying our fucking tits off. If memory serves, Jason was also an accomplished swear-word artist at the time, though not polished. So I think the shouts went something like "John Elway Fucking Goddamn Hell Shit Ass!" And to be honest, if it happened again today, he might yell the same. PS--That field goal to win the game was fucking wide. Everyone knows it, even Mr. Ed.

-The Browns mounting a thrilling comeback in the second half of an AFC Title Game, again against Mr. Ed and gang, only to see Ernest Byner fumble the ball on the 1 yard line as he was about to score the go-ahead touchdown. That was more sadness than rage.

-Art Modell, one of the worst human beings on earth, like way worse than most child molesters and certainly more vindictive than Hitler, moved the team under cover of darkness and in most cowardly fashion to Baltimore.

-Everything since the team returned to Cleveland. One draft bust after another. One promising season after another ending in a 4-12 record. Just an embarrassment.

Yet this tops it all. People are really excited about this??? We aren't talking about a team kicking tons of ass, and its best player getting on Madden because the ad execs know he is a bad ass that will harden the cocks of the male video-gaming public faster than the Mila Kunis/Natalie Portman sex scene in Black Swan. We are talking about a guy that one of the shittiest, most downtrodden franchises in pro sports traded a former first-round draft pick for, and has only played one season for the Browns. It was a good season. Certainly not historic or worthy of any stories being told ten years from now. It wasn't like they drafted this guy out of Ohio State, and he grew up in fucking Parma or something. I like the way the guy plays, but we probably need to wait a few seasons from now to see if he is worth cranking one off to. And let's be clear about one thing: Look at the guy. The human body doesn't look like his on its own. I'm thinking he has a shelf life of about 5 seasons, tops, in the NFL, given how he runs and the DNA-altering substances he is likely on. If you ask a Cleveland Browns fan about Peyton Hillis, I guarantee you that 40% of those polled will include in their response the following, "....gotta love....white boy..." And the icing on the cake is that he edged out ol' dog-killin' Mike Vick, aka Ron Mexico, to win the cover boy status. Yes Mike Vick. The guy who fucked around on his wife under the alias Ron Mexico and gave his mistress herpes. The guy who used to put dogs he raised as puppies into a tub full of water and then drop a live toaster in with them. The guy who was in prison. And sadly this is the state of the franchise: A large segment of its fan base is harder than a diamond in an ice storm because of this video-game popularity contest "victory". Utterly and completely sickening. Every time I think things cannot get worse for the Cleveland Browns, this happens. And I'm not mad at any of these people. I have to respect that they've found a ray of sunshine in this dark pit of despair. But when you step back for a moment and consider what you are fired up about, it can't get much sadder. The Cleveland Browns have lowered the bar, yet again. :(

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Scout Chronicles: If Anyone is Listening....GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!

This is not a joke. This is a fucking emergency. I'd call 911 but I don't have fucking thumbs. The goddamn iPhones my parents just bought operate on body heat, and guess what? Apparently dog paw nails don't produce any heat. I used to live a pretty charmed life. In bed around 9:30 every night. Up at 6:00 a.m. Uninterrupted, more or less. Everyone loved Scout. "Oh Scout, aren't you a handsome sonuvabitch?". I was left alone most of the sunshine hours to sleep in various places I enjoy sleeping around the condo. Occasionally I'd chew something up to keeps things interesting, see what kind of hilarious interaction would occur between my parents when they came home and tried to decide whose over-thought method of dealing with a chewed US magazine was less traumatizing for an animal that can't speak English. You can say that pretty much everything was coming up Scout. Then about 84 dumps ago (if you are trying to put this into Roman Calendar human terms, think 1 human day = 3 dog dumps, so we're looking at about 28 human days) mom and dad come waltzing the fuck home like it was Armistice Day from whereabouts unknown, carrying this basket with some stinky-assed little humanoid in it. Or at least I think it was a human. The scent spectrum was in the human family, but it was about 1/25 the size of most of them. It was also wrinkly as all hell, has little to no fur, and is about as fun as a trip to Higgins Animal Clinic for my yearly kennel cough vaccine (Which I'm over fucking due for as we speak. I guess no one cares if the Scoutmeister gets canine TB this year). They were standing around with these stupid-assed grins on their face like I was supposed to be impressed by this fucking useless gas bag. It handed me a toy lion immediately, so I feigned that I gave a fuck and retreated to the bedroom to chew this lion and ponder my next move. Needless to say I turned away from the chess board, and when I turned back I was left with my king and one pawn, while the opposition was sitting on a full strength of knights, bishops and their royalty. I have made an honorable effort to play with this thing, but to no avail. From what I've observed its entire repertoire of talents includes: Screaming; Sleeping; Chewing mom's boobs; and Fucking Screaming. Let me tell you what would happen if I even thought about chewing mom's boobs. I mean seriously, bring something to the goddamn table. And why are we trashing the fucking environment all for the sake of hiding this thing's dumps? I'll save serious time and landfill real estate by cluing mom and dad in on this: Wait for it to scream, pick it up, take it outside, and let it shit in the tree-lawn like everyone else. This isn't rocket-science. I haven't had a good night's sleep since this little nightmare showed up. I am 100% serious when I say that if someone is looking for a 2 year old male goldendoodle, my fucking kennel is packed. I can shake, high-five, lay down, and I haven't shit in the house for ages. I'll even go to a white trash family and eat expired BilJac at this point if it gets me the hell out of here.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Save the Date: May 21st, 2011

Its a RAPTURE mutherfuckers!!! Jesus and God and the Apostles and Baby Jesus and Mary and Peter and Mother Theresa and Michael Jackson and all those hard-chargin' sons of bitches swooping down out of Heaven like a fucking shitstorm, zapping the fuck out of the sinners and non-believers and Muslims and murderers and blacks and Mexicans and Lindsay Lohan and everyone else that is getting their shit fucked 7 kinds of up in the Armageddon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hoooyahhhh!!!! In case you are some kind of goddamned idiot and weren't aware, this May 21st is the Martha Fockering Rapture. It is Biblically proven (which is about 10,000 times more serious than scientifically proven) that Jesus will come again on 5/21/11 and lay waste to the Jews, Buddhists, Catholics, immigrants, secular humanists, animals, people who believe in dinosaurs and all the other total fucktard assholes who think that the Earth is older than 6,000 years. I am going to bathe in the tears of new mothers whose children have yet to be baptized on 5/21/11. I am going to piss upon the faces of Jewish people who run soup kitchens and Catholics who volunteer at the Big Brothers, Big Sisters centers, as the warriors of Heaven skewer them with white-hot spears. I will inhale the smoke of smoldering children who have no souls because they are 2 weeks old and have not been baptized unto the One True God, the One I believe in who is obviously the only fucking One and all others are poseur pieces of shit who will sit idly by with their dicks in their collective hands as Team Jesus liquefies the bodies of their misguided followers. I am going to place jugs of wine and loaves of bread on my roof for Jesus when he comes on Rapture Eve. I will leave hay and water for his flying camels. I will have cognac and skunk weed for Jesus and Mary Magdalene so better to help them get their freak on in the guest room of my house, on the futon. I will be laughing my fucking balls off at all the Athiests as I ride the Evangelical Express straight up to Heaven and they sit there on Earth with that "Oh shit, the creepy assed Jesus-lickers were right" look plastered all over their Chevy Chases. "The world is not going to suddenly end on May 21st 2011 based on a few wing-nuts indecipherable interpretation of a collection of fiction writings 2,000 years ago." HAH! Fucking laughable mein! Have fun hanging out here on Earth, the piece of shit place you've lived your whole existence, while me and all the other borderline state-issued retards and ugly, social misfit creepoids that make your stomach turn every time you pass us on the street are going to be together partying our fucking tits off. Eat your hearts out morons!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

This Russian Dude at my Gym Killed You 3 Times Before You Hit the Ground

The explosion in popularity of mixed martial arts has led to a perfectly correlated explosion of complete and utter douche bags in gyms across America. Affliction tee shirts, Tapout shorts, an attempt to cover up a lack of physical fitness through excessive consumption of kidney-destroying energy drinks and frequent assuming of grappling stances. The asshats come in many sizes and appearances, but generally speaking the following are signs that you are dealing with a mixed martial arts wannabe poseur:
Affliction gear
Tapout gear
Being overweight
Drinking furiously from a Monster, Red Line, or other energy drink that is completely detrimental to overall body health
Inability to run a sub 10 minute mile or perform any other indicator of good health
Frequently overheard referencing the "Octagon"
Seen standing in a semi-circle around a heavy bag, awkwardly kicking at it

There assholes are a dime a dozen today. There is, however, a huge exception currently seen "working out" at XSport Fitness Piper's Alley in Chicago's Old Town neighborhood. He is of very average proportions. Approximately 5'10", maybe 175lbs. He keeps the hair short and the gear is minimal. So minimal in fact that he doesn't work out in shoes. Completely barefoot. And I don't mean Vibram 5 Fingers or any other barefoot simulator. I mean he walks around the gym, barefoot. And what lets you know he really means business is that he walks into the gym like I don't know how he gets there, but he walks in the front door sans shoes. He fell out of the Russian tree and hit every fucking branch on the way down. He has sinister scars on his head and body. He doesn't speak frequently, and he would kill you in an instant if you caught him smiling. He doesn't tote energy drinks or water bottles. He does things to the heavy bag that make you recoil in horror. He does not need to wear Affliction tee shirts because he is Affliction. I guarantee that there were certain years during the first decade of this century that this guy killed more Chechens than he ate hot meals. Every time I see him I wait for the inevitable meltdown when he thinks he is deep in Caucasus Mountains, and stabs some unsuspecting gym patron in the lung and whispers "It okay, now you sleeps" in their ear as they bleed out in his arms. That is what I fear. However, what I wish is for him to go completely off the reservation and mistake a group of MMA poseurs at the heavy bag for a group of Chechen terrorists plotting to blow up the Kremlin and murder all of them before the first one can even scream.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Its Official: Obama can go and Fuck Right Off

I'm so done with this mutherfucker. And it hurts. It really hurts. I bought the whole package, hook, line and fucking sinker. The charismatic, intellectual black man with the progressive agenda to navigate this American ship away from stormy seas and back onto a course of being Numero Uno. And not the kind of #1 by default because everyone else sucks. But the kind of #1 where a Kennedy brother shows up in your country, comes to your palace, drinks your scotch, and bangs the ever-living shit out of your trophy wife in the wine cellar while you sit in the drawing room smoking cigars and bragging about your U.S. Ivy League education with the other heads of powerless states. But alas, he's nothing more than a public speaking dynamo who is no less of a whore to big oil than is Daniel Day Lewis's character in There Will Be Blood. He had everything for me: A) Amazing public speaker. After 8 years of nails-on-chalkboard speeches from the dumbest, I mean the DUMBEST mutherfucker to ever take regular dumps at the White House, I was salivating for this silver-tongued, big-eared angel. Because ultimately what is the job of U.S. President? It is to basically be the Tony Robbins for America. And few speak more eloquently than Obama. B)He's black. Well, kind of. I have a very deep-seeded feeling of white guilt regarding the black man's place in the United States. I am sick to my stomach about the circumstances under which they were brought here. The fucking European savages sailing them to the western hemisphere to engage in forced slave labor on one hand while they shit from the mouths about their hypocritical "God" and the equality this new land they stole from Native Americans would afford to all....except of course the Indians, the poor, the blacks, the women, the Chinese, the Irish, and everyone else save wealthy, aristocratic, land-owning, protestant white males. I was excited for someone of color to finally be elected to the position of Head Honcho. Was I playing a bit of make-believe in thinking this to be the case? Absolutely. It wasn't like we elected Malcolm X. He has an African father who fucked off shortly after he was born. He was raised, in Hawai'i, by white people from Kansas. I was raised by white people from Ohio, in Ohio. I'm not sure he is much blacker than I am. But he did significantly raise his street cred by marrying a black woman........ C) Which brings me to my third point; his wife is kind of hot. An Amazon yes, but bangable to the max. D) He had a progressive agenda in line with many of my own beliefs. E) The other ticket featured a stupid old white guy with no ideas and a history of cancer coupled with a bitch so fucking stupid, she makes every one of those bitches from Jersey Shore sound like Stephen Hawking. And it isn't even close. So I was also voting as much to keep these ass clowns out of office as I was voting to get anyone else into office. I swear to you, if Sarah Palin were to become president we'd all be sewing buttons onto khaki pants in a Chinese sweat shop so fast your goddamn head would spin. F) He is brilliant. At the end of the day you want the guy representing you to be smarter than you. I personally am not that bright. But if you looked at the podiums at the end of a game of Jeopardy with the contestants being Obama, me and G.W. Bush, the scores would be: Obama 27,500; Me 9,400; Dubbyah -97,200.

G) He rips dogs. In this day and age, it was refreshing to see Barizzle smoking butts right in everyone's face. Pissing in the face of lung cancer.

But alas Obama betrayed me. The only way I'm showing up to the polls next year is if the Republican voting base is utterly retarded enough to vote Tits McGhee back onto the ballot. Then it is everyone with a brain's civic, no not civic but rather duty to humanity as a whole to show up and ensure she doesn't win. Because make no mistake, the Republican voting base is so colossally fucking stupid right now that if they showed up to a WalMart in West Virginia on a Saturday night, they would significantly LOWER the overall I.Q. of the joint. So this is possible. But if that doesn't occur, I'm officially done. He's bombing Libya one day, and talking about how his goal for the upcoming election is to raise $1,000,000,000. Yes, 1 Billion. Fuck you man. He doesn't give a flying fuck about any of us. He cares about keeping his job. He cares about campaign contributions. He cares about the defense lobby. He does not care about Sudanese. He does not care about North Koreans. He does not care about anyone else lacking oil. My politics are most closely aligned with Noam Chomsky, Howard Zinn and Rage Against the Machine. As RATM stated at Lollapalooza in 2008: "We are supporting Obama.....but if he doesn't get out of Iraq and Afghanistan immediately, then fuck him too!". Preach it Brother de la Rocha, preach it. My fantasy of someone storming into office and rolling some fucking heads is just that, a fantasy. The pathetic plans people are proposing are nothing but red herrings to divert our collective attention from the real business of American government, which is getting paid and keeping your job. These plans are to throw deck chairs off the Titanic while what we really need is someone below deck bawling the shit out of Kate Winslet. So congratulations Barack, you got me. Hope you are enjoying bombing Libya. If you need me on election day, I'll be in the shitter. All day. PS--RATM did a killer rendition of "Testify" at the 2008 Lollapalooza. And if you weren't there for it, well, you weren't there, man.