What Sucks Now Uber Alles!!!!! (Suck it, Komen)

In case you aren't multilingual like me (The extent of my German is basicaly "Ich sprechen ein bisschen Deutsche", which means I speak a little German.  But joke is on you, Nazi, because that is the only sentence I know), "Uber Alles" means "Over All", like we own you, bitch.  My last German instructor told us, however, that this phrase is not uttered in Germany anymore as its connotation is one of "Germany is the ethnic master of all on earth, and will bomb, shoot, gas, and inject you to prove the point".  Apparently that isn't kosher any more for some reason.  Other than a few neo-Nazi underground bars on Hitler's birthday, I guess you don't hear this.  But today you hear it from on high because WSN has struck a monumental blow for women's rights in America with it's latest coup.  That's right, WSN fucking killed Komen.  The twit who convinced Komen to become one of the most pathetic, hypocritical organizations in America has just decided to "Step down".  Apparently the shitstorm from this very blog, the same that has 26 followers globally, was too much for Komen to bear and someone's head had to roll.  And I'm pretty sure we are all bright enough to see through "step down".  There was no stepping down.  The brass called a meeting and told Karen Handel's Nazi ass to grab an empty printer paper box, put the pictures of her kids at Jesus Camp in it, and get the fuck out before they released the hounds.  As stated in the previous submission on this topic, in no way does this make me respect SGK.  They wanted to pull the plug on Planned Parenthood.  It was hypocrisy and stupidity of the highest order, but at least they stood for something.  Well, they supposedly stood for preventing/curing breast cancer.  But I guess by standing for pulling funding from an organization that tries to prevent--or detect early--breast cancer, I'm a bit confused as to what they actually stand for.  The flip-flop shows they have a yellow streak a mile wide and will do whatever the most loudly yelling group tells them.  But I digress as I'm wont to do.  The point is that Karen Handel now has plenty of free time to devote to her intolerant, angry moral agenda.  Forcing your own version of morality on others is a time-consuming endeavor so this might be a welcome reprieve for this harpy bitch.  I think the most confusing part of the ideology of the militantly pro-life is that they are also very likely to support other forms of death.  What I'm saying is that if polled (and they have been polled), there is an EXTREMELY high correllation between people who are willing to stand in the freezing fucking cold holding placards of aborted fetuses on them, and who also support the death penalty, vote for political candidates most likely to go to war for something noble like oil, and shout down war protesters as being "un-American" and not supporting the troops.  So they are absolutely FOR killing adults who commit crimes, some of them borderline to fully retarded (GO TEXAS!).  They are most assuredly FOR killing tons of adults in another country, a high percentage of whom are innocent non-combatants.  However, they are without reservation AGAINST people who are against killing adults in foreign countries.  And Goddamnit, they are not about to stand for people being killed before they ever breathe oxygen.  Terminating something before it has any experiences or consciousness = BAD.  Teminating something after years of collective experiences and multiple emotional attachments with other human beings = GOOD.  As you can see, the logic is crystal clear.

The most infuriating part of this shithouse rat crazy pro-life cult is that they have no understanding of Jesus, depite screaming from on high that they are doing his bidding and being "Christian".  Are you joking?  Rallying outside of women's health clinics and shouting down people who are already miserable does not seem like something Jesus would condone.  I admit that I do not believe Jesus was the son of a divine being.  That doesn't mean I don't know Jesus.  I've studied him enough to know a few things.  First, Jesus enjoyed hallucinagenic plants.  I'm not joking.  Do your research.  It will lead you to the undeniable fact that Jesus had a "Me Gusta Black Lotus" tattoo on his shoulder blade.  Jesus was also about love, tolerance, understanding others, and forgiveness.  How can you overlook the last?  He was a hip, hip dude who liked to get stoned sometimes and wax eloquent about love.  Sort of like Barry White.  If you think he is about hazing mostly poor and young women for making what will hopefully be the most difficult decision of their entire life, then you are an asshole.  And on the off chance that is what he is about, then fuck him.  I have no earthly desire to be a part of that.  I can't fathom that Jesus would be presented with women who got drunk for the first time at age 16 and got pregnant, or were raped by some esses, or just made a terrible judgment call that will saddle them with a child they cannot support nor are mature enough to care for, and say, "Well bitch, you're wearing that one....4EVA!".  He'd be the first to hug the person walking into or out of PP and tell them everything will be all right.  To stand up straight and don't let others tell you who you are.  Tell them while he may not 100% agree, he understands.  Then he'd look over his shoulder at the seething mass of protesters and radio in an air strike to the command center in the clouds.  "Dad, Jesus here.  Corner of Main and Elm Streets.  Send in the duck-a-duck." 

Gotten away from the point, per usual.  Bottom line, WSN causes shake-up at SGK corporate headquarters.  Go get your boobies goosed ladies, we here at the World Wide Web are making the world safe for early cancer detection. 

Susan G Komen Just Threw Up All Over Herself in Her Grave

I actually want to throw up all over myself too for having run in two of these dickhole's races in Chicago.  I want my name removed from the historical data, this despite one of them being the best race I've ever run in my life.  Due to pressure from completely right-wing hard-line religious wing nuts, Komen has pulled all funding from Planned Parenthood.  For breast cancer screenings.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Susan G Komen doesn't want PP screening women for breast cancer anymore, at least not on their dime.  Are you fucking kidding me?  It is barely complicated, but I'll take even the barely out for you here.  Group of marginally literate fucktards hijack the message in a 2,000 year old fiction novel with about 25 different authors writing off memory, many writing off memory of events they never even attended or were alive for.  Being they can barely read themselves, and have such pitifully awful fucking useless tit lives, they decide to take their interpretation of this novel to extremes and put heat on people.  Like these soulless pussies over at SGK.  So SGK agrees to pull it's $750K in funding to Planned Parenthood, because PP also does abortions.  And in classic PUSSY fashion, they are claiming it is because of some meaningless investigation going on about something unrelated.  Do you know who gets their breast cancer screenings done at PP?  It ain't Michelle Obama or Martha Fucking Stewart.  Which is to say if you can easily afford to get your breast cancer screening done at Northwestern University Hospital or the Mayo Clinic or the Cleveland Clinic, etc, you don't say, "Well, fuck it, Planned Parenthood is a little closer to my house, I'll just have it done there".  So not only is Komen cowardly denying women preventative cancer screening, they are denying it to those most in need of affordability.  Well played you sanctimonious twats.  You have shitloads of credibility now.  You know what is the most awesome part of this?  Abortions are 3% of PP's operation.  Yes, 3% OF THEIR BUSINESS IS ABORTIONS.  That is it.  We aren't talking about PP being the fucking McDonald's of fetus sucks here.  It is a small part of their extremely socially valuable operation.  And you are going to punish them for it.  Listen, I don't even give a half of one shit anymore about the abortion argument.  I just don't care.  Pro-life, Pro-choice, who is dead balls right and who is dead balls wrong?  It doesn't fucking matter.  It is a gray area and no one will ever be 100% right or wrong.  In actuality it is nothing more than a red herring thrown in front of people so they will get all red in the neck and miss the bigger picture issues that actually affect a lot of people.  I won't waste time with what side I'm on and why, because who gives a shit anyway?  Kudos to you "charity".  This doesn't mean poor women or really young women will stop having abortions.  It just means they will have them done in black market type facilities, or Tijuana, and they will have a lot more deaths and infections and complications. 

BREAKING NEWS (Reported by my wife): Komen has decided to reverse the decision to pull funding from PP!  Guess what, it doesn't change my opinion of your scumbag fucking organization, other than making me disrespect you even more.  Now I just think you are even bigger pussies who do whatever you are told by public opinion, even if you don't believe in it.  Please don't ever send me another request to participate in your shitheel race.

Also, how about Michael Bloomberg stepping up like a total fucking BOSS and pledging to fill some of the gap in funding left by the SGK void?  BOOM Mike B!  That is how it is done.  Yeah, I know he only pledged $250K per year, which for him is like me losing a dime out of my wallet.  But whatever.  That is how a baller rolls.       

Save the Date: May 21st, 2011

Its a RAPTURE mutherfuckers!!! Jesus and God and the Apostles and Baby Jesus and Mary and Peter and Mother Theresa and Michael Jackson and all those hard-chargin' sons of bitches swooping down out of Heaven like a fucking shitstorm, zapping the fuck out of the sinners and non-believers and Muslims and murderers and blacks and Mexicans and Lindsay Lohan and everyone else that is getting their shit fucked 7 kinds of up in the Armageddon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hoooyahhhh!!!! In case you are some kind of goddamned idiot and weren't aware, this May 21st is the Martha Fockering Rapture. It is Biblically proven (which is about 10,000 times more serious than scientifically proven) that Jesus will come again on 5/21/11 and lay waste to the Jews, Buddhists, Catholics, immigrants, secular humanists, animals, people who believe in dinosaurs and all the other total fucktard assholes who think that the Earth is older than 6,000 years. I am going to bathe in the tears of new mothers whose children have yet to be baptized on 5/21/11. I am going to piss upon the faces of Jewish people who run soup kitchens and Catholics who volunteer at the Big Brothers, Big Sisters centers, as the warriors of Heaven skewer them with white-hot spears. I will inhale the smoke of smoldering children who have no souls because they are 2 weeks old and have not been baptized unto the One True God, the One I believe in who is obviously the only fucking One and all others are poseur pieces of shit who will sit idly by with their dicks in their collective hands as Team Jesus liquefies the bodies of their misguided followers. I am going to place jugs of wine and loaves of bread on my roof for Jesus when he comes on Rapture Eve. I will leave hay and water for his flying camels. I will have cognac and skunk weed for Jesus and Mary Magdalene so better to help them get their freak on in the guest room of my house, on the futon. I will be laughing my fucking balls off at all the Athiests as I ride the Evangelical Express straight up to Heaven and they sit there on Earth with that "Oh shit, the creepy assed Jesus-lickers were right" look plastered all over their Chevy Chases. "The world is not going to suddenly end on May 21st 2011 based on a few wing-nuts indecipherable interpretation of a collection of fiction writings 2,000 years ago." HAH! Fucking laughable mein! Have fun hanging out here on Earth, the piece of shit place you've lived your whole existence, while me and all the other borderline state-issued retards and ugly, social misfit creepoids that make your stomach turn every time you pass us on the street are going to be together partying our fucking tits off. Eat your hearts out morons!

God Ain't Gonna do us Like That

Run, don't walk, to your local car dealership and buy yourself the biggest SUV or truck you can find. Climate change is the bullshit of all bullshits. It is the biggest bullshit in China. And why you ask? Because John Mutherfuckin Ballgame Shimkus says so. But who the fuck is John Shimkus, and why are we invalidating millions of hours of scientific experiments showing that Climate Change is real? John Shimkus is the Illinois 19th District Republican Congressman, that's the fuck who. But it isn't so much who John Shimkus is as much as who is validating his claims that Climate change is a steaming pile of monkey jizz: God. That swashbuckling, fire and brimstoning, pillar of salt turning, certified badass sumamabitch God. Argue with that Mr. Save The Earth fucking pussy. Go ahead, argue with God. "Well, I think we have to accept the completely logical fact that as a 3 dimensional object with proven, existing boundaries, thus finite and not infinite resources, if we wish to not exhaust those resources and destroy the planet we live on, we should consider some conservation strategies." Shimkus, just ready to bury this mutherfucker in a goddamned Mt. Everest worth of logic: "BULLSHIT!!! God says this isn't going to happen!"

And this is of course splitting hairs, but God he/her/itself (and lets be honest, we know its a dude, why else would guys have these cool dicks?) didn't actually say that. Rather it was written down in the official book of God, the Bible, by some dudes that wrote about God, but never met God. Nor did they really even know the guy claiming to be his son. But they heard some shit he might have said once upon a time at this fucking awesome kegger rage-on over at Zebbeciah's parent's Dead Sea house when they on vacation in Italy. I don't know where they got the rest of the information. Maybe microfiche in the Jerusalem Public Library? Maybe it was written on the wall of the men's room at the Damascus-to-Cairo donkey cart stop. It doesn't fucking well matter, because God said it, and that is endy fookin' storry, lad.

So live it up and quit sweating this natural resources and climate change fairy tale that liberals and science PHDs are trying to blow up your ass with their water bongs. God promised Noah, after the flood, that he would never end the earth through natural disaster again. Even though he (or the dudes espousing his wisdom even though they never talked to him) made no reference to human beings in their consumptive excesses exhausting the earth's resources, the fact that he vaguely mentioned in the book he never wrote or authorized that he wouldn't destroy the earth through natural'y type devices again is good enough for Johnny Ballgame Shimkus, and it is damn well good enough for me.

So if you think God isn't creative enough to come up with a new earth-ending strategy, then fuck you. And secondly, fuck you.

There is Only One Way to Teach People to Respect the Value of Human Life: Kill Some Mutherfuckers

Two weeks ago the corner where I get dropped off by the bus each day after work was shut down for the entire night by Chicago Police, Fire Department, Bomb Squad, Traffic Wardens, Garbage Men, Vagrants, you name it and they were on the scene for over 5 hours. Why you ask? Because someone left a suspicious suitcase in front of the Planned Parenthood (aka Oopsie Fixing Clinic) at the corner of LaSalle and Division on Chicago's near north side. Authorities are speculating it was done by a fundamentalist religious group (i.e. pro-life cult) to send a "message" to the facility which houses an abortion clinic. I see these pro life wastes of space most Saturdays if I happen by the PP, singing songs of stupidity and generally haranguing the staff. And you know what, I get it. I think there is only one effective way to teach people to respect life in all its cycles, whether post-uterus human or zygote. And that way is to kill the fuck out of them. What better way to force people to cherish human life than to indiscriminately blow them to hell? That will teach rape victims, impoverished young women, hungover and semen-stained sorority girls, Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton, and anyone else who is choosing to not burden society with a life they can't support, to fucking think again. Same goes for those that work at these types of operations. You want to be able to go to work each day and not worry about being blown up or snipered by a person who is 2 I.Q. points north of an official "State Certified Retarded" stamp on their resume? Well you'd better just change careers and work out of your house from now on asshole. If you want to continue to do Satan's work by assisting a 16 year old black girl who tried alcohol for the first time and made a bad decision to have a second chance to finish school, get a job, find someone she loves and start a family she can support on her terms, that's fine. But you need to be prepared for some blond-haired, pink-eyed albino from deep in the bowels of Salt Lake City to murder the ever-living shit out of you. That's the trade off, bandejo.

Same goes for convicted murderers. How we gonna teach puppies not to bite? Bite them. How you gonna teach the kids not to murder people? Murder people, that's how. Oh, you are mentally retarded and don't understand the fundamental differences between right/wrong, alive/dead? BooFuckingHoo. I guess you shouldn't have been born then, and especially not in Texas.

I'm with the fruit-loops on this one. Sometimes you have to murder a few humans to make an omelet. And I think I'll start getting off the bus one stop early and walking it on in.