An Age-Old Question will be Answered this November

And that question is: Who do fundamentalist bible-thumping dipshits hate more; black people or people who don't believe in the same Jesus they believe in?  It is going to be a fascinating election in that we will know once and for all who the Jesus-loving, but black, Mexican, Jew, "liberal", equality hating bible-belt dislikes the most.  Who will their God tell them to go hate?  This is so exciting!  We're talking about a crowd who actually sent their menfolk to die for the right to enslave and beat the shit out of black people, but who also enslaved the blacks and killed the Indians because God told them it was cool if they did so.  The debate around the Baptist and Pentecostal dinner tables this fall should be absolutely electrifying.     

What is my gut telling me?  Well, here is my prediction: While they will no doubt be quite upset about the fact that Mitt believes in something that they have no concept of, but are pretty sure is some weird Northeasterer liberal-tainted horseshit, at the end of the day he believes in what they likely presume to be some sort of white, blue-eyed God somewhere.  And that might count for something to them.  And of course, he ain't "some Muslim fuckin' N%@#&R".  That is my bold prognostication.  There is just no way that a guy who is fighting to reform health care for the poorest people in the country, most notably bible-belt Southerners, can be trusted, when the guy in question is a fucking Muslim black guy whose name is obviously just a derivative of Osama bin Laden.  No fucking way.  They'll cast their lot with the weirdo religious freak they don't understand, know absolutely nothing about, and whose agenda is in direct opposition with anything that might make their lives even one cunt hair better, because hey, at least he's white.  That counts for something.  It is so damn sad for them that Santorum couldn't pull it out.  That is just the kind of low-IQ "family values" (family values of intolerance and hatred, of course) mutherfucker they would have loved to rally behind against this modern day Saladin. 

What Sucks Now Uber Alles!!!!! (Suck it, Komen)

In case you aren't multilingual like me (The extent of my German is basicaly "Ich sprechen ein bisschen Deutsche", which means I speak a little German.  But joke is on you, Nazi, because that is the only sentence I know), "Uber Alles" means "Over All", like we own you, bitch.  My last German instructor told us, however, that this phrase is not uttered in Germany anymore as its connotation is one of "Germany is the ethnic master of all on earth, and will bomb, shoot, gas, and inject you to prove the point".  Apparently that isn't kosher any more for some reason.  Other than a few neo-Nazi underground bars on Hitler's birthday, I guess you don't hear this.  But today you hear it from on high because WSN has struck a monumental blow for women's rights in America with it's latest coup.  That's right, WSN fucking killed Komen.  The twit who convinced Komen to become one of the most pathetic, hypocritical organizations in America has just decided to "Step down".  Apparently the shitstorm from this very blog, the same that has 26 followers globally, was too much for Komen to bear and someone's head had to roll.  And I'm pretty sure we are all bright enough to see through "step down".  There was no stepping down.  The brass called a meeting and told Karen Handel's Nazi ass to grab an empty printer paper box, put the pictures of her kids at Jesus Camp in it, and get the fuck out before they released the hounds.  As stated in the previous submission on this topic, in no way does this make me respect SGK.  They wanted to pull the plug on Planned Parenthood.  It was hypocrisy and stupidity of the highest order, but at least they stood for something.  Well, they supposedly stood for preventing/curing breast cancer.  But I guess by standing for pulling funding from an organization that tries to prevent--or detect early--breast cancer, I'm a bit confused as to what they actually stand for.  The flip-flop shows they have a yellow streak a mile wide and will do whatever the most loudly yelling group tells them.  But I digress as I'm wont to do.  The point is that Karen Handel now has plenty of free time to devote to her intolerant, angry moral agenda.  Forcing your own version of morality on others is a time-consuming endeavor so this might be a welcome reprieve for this harpy bitch.  I think the most confusing part of the ideology of the militantly pro-life is that they are also very likely to support other forms of death.  What I'm saying is that if polled (and they have been polled), there is an EXTREMELY high correllation between people who are willing to stand in the freezing fucking cold holding placards of aborted fetuses on them, and who also support the death penalty, vote for political candidates most likely to go to war for something noble like oil, and shout down war protesters as being "un-American" and not supporting the troops.  So they are absolutely FOR killing adults who commit crimes, some of them borderline to fully retarded (GO TEXAS!).  They are most assuredly FOR killing tons of adults in another country, a high percentage of whom are innocent non-combatants.  However, they are without reservation AGAINST people who are against killing adults in foreign countries.  And Goddamnit, they are not about to stand for people being killed before they ever breathe oxygen.  Terminating something before it has any experiences or consciousness = BAD.  Teminating something after years of collective experiences and multiple emotional attachments with other human beings = GOOD.  As you can see, the logic is crystal clear.

The most infuriating part of this shithouse rat crazy pro-life cult is that they have no understanding of Jesus, depite screaming from on high that they are doing his bidding and being "Christian".  Are you joking?  Rallying outside of women's health clinics and shouting down people who are already miserable does not seem like something Jesus would condone.  I admit that I do not believe Jesus was the son of a divine being.  That doesn't mean I don't know Jesus.  I've studied him enough to know a few things.  First, Jesus enjoyed hallucinagenic plants.  I'm not joking.  Do your research.  It will lead you to the undeniable fact that Jesus had a "Me Gusta Black Lotus" tattoo on his shoulder blade.  Jesus was also about love, tolerance, understanding others, and forgiveness.  How can you overlook the last?  He was a hip, hip dude who liked to get stoned sometimes and wax eloquent about love.  Sort of like Barry White.  If you think he is about hazing mostly poor and young women for making what will hopefully be the most difficult decision of their entire life, then you are an asshole.  And on the off chance that is what he is about, then fuck him.  I have no earthly desire to be a part of that.  I can't fathom that Jesus would be presented with women who got drunk for the first time at age 16 and got pregnant, or were raped by some esses, or just made a terrible judgment call that will saddle them with a child they cannot support nor are mature enough to care for, and say, "Well bitch, you're wearing that one....4EVA!".  He'd be the first to hug the person walking into or out of PP and tell them everything will be all right.  To stand up straight and don't let others tell you who you are.  Tell them while he may not 100% agree, he understands.  Then he'd look over his shoulder at the seething mass of protesters and radio in an air strike to the command center in the clouds.  "Dad, Jesus here.  Corner of Main and Elm Streets.  Send in the duck-a-duck." 

Gotten away from the point, per usual.  Bottom line, WSN causes shake-up at SGK corporate headquarters.  Go get your boobies goosed ladies, we here at the World Wide Web are making the world safe for early cancer detection. 

Iran, Please Shut the Fuck Up. Pretty Please

This Iran saber-rattling is going nowhere, fast.  The end result is bad for all of us.  But probably worse for you, Iran.  You see, what the These Colors Don't Run, Fox News segment of the American populace--which unfortunately is not a small segment--don't understand is this: While someone like you, or Iraq, may have nuclear weapons, or are in the ballpark of figuring them out, you do not have the ability to do a whole hell of a lot with them.  What I mean is, and what you know outside of all your dick-waving, you can't really get them anywhere.  People are only told, or only want to hear, that Iraq is "Making nuclear weapons".  They could care less that Iraq was at least 10 YEARS AWAY from being able to get a nuke to Tehran.  Let alone New York City.  They didn't have the technology, nor were they close.  And neither are you.  So the morons are going to fall hook, line and sinker for "They are a nuclear threat".  And guess what that means?  Shock and Awe, bitch.  I don't want that.  I fucking hate Shock and Awe.  But you are just begging for it like a little slut.  Please don't be a little slut.  I don't want one more American terrorist attack on a country half a world away that I have to be associated with.  Despite the fact that we have intelligent leaders (not counting GW Bush of course), they are susceptible to dick-waving.  They see you telling us your dick is bigger than ours, and they can't take it.  They have to whip out their dicks and show you it is an inch longer.  In the form of missiles you don't want to know about, fired from shit you can't even see.  If you keep running your stupid fucking mouth, all the "You wanna go?  You wanna fuckin' go?", you will leave the military-industrial machine no choice but to masturbate furiously in their little war rooms in Quantico, VA as the angry birds shit so much fire on Iran that the chorus of 1,000 wailing Iranian ladies will haunt my dreams. And then the leaders will heroically order our young men and women, a high percentage of which are poor and perfect percentage of whom are not related to them, into your country to occupy a populace that they can't even hope to understand the culture of.  Why the hell do you want that?  Do you really think you'd put up even a half-assed fight?  I highly doubt you'll play any better defense than Iraq.  It will be a slaughter, and in the end we'll all lose.  The United States has no choice--no choice at all--but to make the world safe for big oil profits.

And really, we're the least of your worries.  Your biggest concern, along with Syria and any other country full of testosterone-crazed men like it, who have so much rage because you can't bang, beat off, look at porn or drink a fucking beer, is that someone makes the mistake of letting the dog off the chain.  And then you are all FUCKED.  I mean glass parking lot, nuked to hell and back, gonezo FUBAR.  What dog?  Israel, that's who.  Shit escalates one day to the point of some American leader making the mistake of diplomatically telling Israel "It's On", and that is end-game.  They'll nuke your shit so fast it will make Hiroshima's head spin.  I'm not saying I agree with Zionism, or that I disagree with it.  But the fact is they've been pulling at their chains for yonks, and only the U.S. stands between them and your quick, fiery death.  They hate you, you hate them, and it doesn't even matter anymore who is wrong, if anyone.  What does matter is that they have the weapons and the technology and the I Don't Give a Fuck.  I really think you are getting lulled into a sense of false confidence by China.  But unless you are willing to start buying several billion dollars per year of their bullshit shoes, buttons, knick-knacks and fireworks, when shit hits the fan they are going to sit quietly and watch you burn.

So I'm asking you, from the bottom of my heart, please shut your stupid, obnoxious fucking mouth before it starts writing checks your military can't possibly hope to cash.  America has fallen into a chasm of military spending and lobbyists that it can't ever hope to climb out of.  Don't become the next practice ground and money dump for the Pentagon.  Though sad, the ball is entirely in your court.  You have to understand that the United States came to drink some beer and kick some fucking ass.  And they're just about all out of beer.  So quit bending over, pull your panties back up, and smooth your skirt down.    

If You Practice Witchcraft, May Want to Cancel Your Trip to Saudi Arabia

Consider this a public service announcement for all the young ladies considering a nice relaxing vacation in Saudi Arabia.  Leave your Necromancy books at home and do not make any public jokes which involve straddling a broom handle.  Apparently the Saudis don't have a laissez faire attitude on that sort of shit, given that they very recently beheaded some chick for practicing witchcraft and sorcery.  Who knew?  When I think of Saudis, the words which come to mind are "moderate", "reasonable", "tolerant" and "Bob Marley".  But I guess Salem Witch Trial jokes don't go over so well in Riyadh.  Check your luggage, and if there is anything, anything at all, in your toiletries bag which contains newt in any form, leave that shit at home.  Even if it is synthetic newt derivative and no newts were actually harmed in the manufacture of, just to be safe don't bring it to Saudi Arabia.  I would also advise anyone with a wart on their nose to consider the removal of said wart prior to leaving for Saudi Arabia.  If you own a tall, black conical hat, I would also suggest not packing it.  If your skin is greenish you may want to give up on your dream of seeing this mysterious, flat desert scape.  It just isn't worth it.  Because while the Saudis may tolerate blowing things containing numerous human beings to hell, they sure as shit don't fucking tolerate putting a hex on your neighbor because his dog shits in your sand.  It is well known that a Saudi death sentence for "Witchcraft" is actually their way of silencing political dissent.  But are we splitting fucking hairs here or what?  "Political dissent" and "Sorcery" are basically the same thing.  Can you explain the difference between the two Larry Liberal?  Didn't think so.  No one tells you how to wear your Teva sandals, so quit trying to tell the Saudis the best way to get people to shut their fucking mouths.  If you ask me, dragging a person into a public square and having a masked man force them to their knees and chop their fucking head off with a goddamn sword is a pretty good deterrent to suggesting that women be allowed to show some ankle or wrist at a restaurant.    

Public Service Announcement: Please Remember 9/11 Responsibly

I'll put this right up front instead of weaving it into the larger quilt of sarcasm and bile: I hate the yearly "Remember 9/11" manufactured bullshit.  It stinks and it hurts and it tries to make fools of us all.  There are two pieces of literature that I highly recommend everyone read, both of which play out in eerie exactitude each year at this time:

"Manufacturing Consent" by Noam Chomsky
"1984" by George Orwell

Both are relevant now in that they describe exactly what is behind all the "We will not forget" hullabaloo.  You know that you feel patronized to hell and back as the TV and the rest of the media world remind you to "Never Forget".  Why do you need to be reminded?  Who in their right fucking mind is going to forget that miserable day?  Go ask your great grandma what she was doing when she heard about Pearl Harbor.  Ask one of your parents if they remember the day Kennedy was shot.  Ask me or anyone else 32 or older if they can recall the Challenger explosion.  We're not going to forget, and they fucking well know that.  They don't care if you forget or not.  What they do care about is that they cram 10 megatons of American flags and crying fire fighters' children up your ass so you feel guilty and tune into some dramatized retelling of the day.  And this is exactly what Orwell and Chomsky are talking about.  In "1984", the citizens of Oceania must participate daily in the "Two Minute Hate", as images of their enemies attacking Oceania with heroic Oceanian citizens defending it are flashed across a screen.  They are whipped into a froth of hate at their enemies and love for their leader, "Big Brother".  This is also the focus of "Manufacturing Consent".  Chomsky brilliantly proves beyond a reasonable doubt how the government of a nation can use the media to "manufacture" the "consent" they need to let the military-industrial complex run amok and test out all its new shit on some undeserving group of brown people, e.g. "Shock and Awe".  When Cheney, Rummy and the gang were running this playbook to perfection 9 years ago, Chomsky spoke up and said, "Wait, why the fuck are we going to turn Iraq into a glass parking lot of sectarian violence?  What they fuck did they have to do with any of this?"  He didn't use those words exactly.  In fact Chomsky is one of the world's preeminent linguistics scholars and as such, his writings are difficult to read, to say the least.  I don't know if it is because Chomsky is so impressed with his own intelligence that he'd prefer his books are inaccessible to most, he doesn't know any other way to write, or he just loves the smell of his own farts.  Probably a combination of all of the above.  But he is telling the brutal truth, regardless if people want to accept it or not.  You watch enough images of smoldering NYC buildings, flashed images of Muhammed Atta, crying policemen, Osama bin Laden in front of a bookcase holding a Kalashnikov, the American flag, and guess what?  Pretty soon you're going to say, "Well Earl, probably bout time we go kick some feckin' A-Rabb ass!"  Chomsky was run out of town on a fucking rail by the "These Colors Don't Run" crowd sent to do their bidding by Cheney and Rummy, who are brilliantly evil and knew Chomsky was dead balls correct.

And this is exactly how the government can keep you sorta/kinda on board with the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, whatever the fuck they are claiming the oil heist in Libya is all about, etc, etc.  "What, you want to leave Afghanistan before the 'job is done'?  Ummmm, are you forgetting 9/11 comrade?  Are you with the terrorists?  Why don't you step away from the security line and come into this office.  Have you ever been to Guantanamo Bay?"  I'm not some commie red fucking bum who "Hates Merika" and "Don't support the troops", and I'm certainly not some pathetic bleeding heart liberal.  I love America, at least what it philosophically stands for.  And not the philosophy of enslaving blacks and only allowing wealthy, white, land-owning males to vote.  But the America of Neil Diamond.  The America of the Grateful Dead's "American Beauty".  The America of butt-fucking Adolf Hitler, not because we're gay, but because fuck him (and if they'd just listened to General Patton and not let the Reds win the race to Berlin, shit would've been a lot cooler).  The America of little league baseball, high school football, unprotected sex with the homecoming queen in her dad's Buick, of Kansas and it's infinite fields of utter fucking boredom.  The America of Teddy M.F. Ballgame Williams.  The America of bible belt hillbillies who love God and hate gays and blacks.  The America of Texas's right to be a state full of giant assholes.  The America of Arnold Schwarzenegger going from poor, steroid-injecting womanizer to rich, womanizing governor of California.  You need to ask yourself during the "Never Forget" marathon this weekend: What has been done in our name as a result of this despicable act?  If the goal of attacking Afghanistan was to hunt down Osama bin Laden and his minions, and he is now murdered and his minions largely murdered or in a Turkish prison having their ball sack gnawed on by rats, then why exactly are we still in Afghanistan with a helicopter full of young handsome Navy Seals being killed?  Read the goddamn history books.  The French thought they could tame Vietnam.  How'd that work out?  The Soviets thought they could tame Afghanistan.  How'd that work out? 

I'm not saying don't remember.  The families and friends of this tragedy have endured hardship that I personally cannot fathom.  I wish them the best that is possible in life going forward.  I will remember that day vividly, probably until I die, or at least until I'm shitting my pants in an assisted living facility and talking to a house plant about the pretty birds outside.  I will remember that scores of first responders whipped out their gigantic brass balls and went sprinting into fires to try and save people's lives.  I will remember spending that day in Joe's American Bar on Newbury Street in Boston because we were sent home from work and the public transit shut down for about 10 hours.  I will remember that people's lives were irreversibly set on a course of grief and misery.  And I bet if you asked any one of the thousands who died, or the tens of thousands whose lives are affected as a result, how they wished to be remembered or supported, very few of them would respond: "We want you to let the pentagon test out previously non-combat tested weapons of mass destruction out on two countries which had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks.  We want you to obliterate entire wedding parties of local peasants with accidental drone bombings.  We want you to drag our military women and men across the globe to the middle of a fucking desert and a high mountain desert and have them dodge improvised explosive devices until they lose their shit and commit suicide.  We want you to devote entire days every year to plastering the television with American flags and pictures of our children crying at Ground Zero so the media execs can make millions off of our heroism and our collective grief.  But more than anything, we want yellow ribbons.  Lots and lots of yellow ribbons."

Don't let the money-grubbing assholes in the media world win this weekend.  Please don't let that happen.  Don't let yourself get whipped into a Toby Keith soundtracked patriotic froth this weekend that the pentagon lobbyists can use to convince the government to prolong a meaningless, expensive and destructive war of occupation.  Don't sit inside watching the stars and stripes fly across images of smoldering steel until you have a seizure.  Do what the dead and grieving would want you to do in order to honor their memory: Go live your lives and live them well.  I understand what you are doing, but unfortunately a Facebook profile status of "America Will Never Forget 9/11" isn't going to alter history, nor will it set us on a positive path in the future.  Play with your kids outside.  Go to the beach.  Get hammered watching NFL football.  Smoke meth in a trailer next to a cow pasture.  Just don't get tricked into sitting about and feeling sorry for a bunch of people who would never want others sitting around and feeling sorry for them.  That isn't very American.   

Dear Obama: What the World Needs Now is a GANGSTER

Barack, this is fucking serious.  This is 4th and 19, down 6, with 37 seconds to go in the Super Bowl.  You have before you a unique moment in world history, and you are the quarterback of the best team.  This is your chance to be Churchill laying on top of buildings in London screaming "Fuck you!" at the Waffen S.S. as they rained bombs on the capital, or FDR telling everyone to get fucked while he handled bidness.  The United States just had it's credit rating dropped because everyone with half a dick knows we're all but fucked.  Europe is at the precipice of monumental financial disaster which will result in them fracturing back into the nationalistic aggression which brought us Napoleon, Bismarck, WWI and WWII.  There is a goddamned mob running amok in London for Christ's sake.  We're in the middle of two useless tit wars that are fucking killing us financially and bankrupting us morally.  And the straw that broke the camel's back....a fucking hurricane just waltzed into New York Fucking City and shut down the subway system.  20 years ago a hurricane tries to invade New York City, it probably gets stabbed, a gang-beating minimum.  The world hungers for Mad Max.  America thirsts for Braveheart (Gibson hates playing heroes, doesn't he?).  And who are you giving them?  Fucking Carlton Banks, thats who.  Please, for the love of Crom, snap out of your goddamned "Change" coma and go straight gangstah on all these mutherfuckers right now!!!  Not next month, not after the election, but tomorrow.  You are home from vacation and it is time to put heads to bed.  These political parties, which are barely discernible from one another at this point, are the biggest bullshit in China dude.  Useless fucks, all of them.  No interest in getting anything done, at all.  Nothing but bitching, whining, and blaming each other for the problems they are paid to solve.  If you listen Obama, and listen right now, there is still time to act.  This is what you can, and most certainly should, do:

Drop your pussy-assed Carlton Banks "let's compromise" bullshit that is designed only to get you reelected.  Everyone sees through the ruse, so just let it go.  Drop the suit and tie, and show up to Capitol Hill tomorrow in a Sean Jean sweatceudo and a bandana with a sideways, straight-billed Raiders hat over it, sporting Air Force Ones.  Channel your inner O-Dog from "Menace II Society".  Walk into that Capitol Building with an an entourage blaring the most aggressive Tupac you can find from a boom box, with a fucking gangster lean and yell, "Break yo self bitches, O-Bomb bout to preach!"  Walk up to John Boehner, pull out a gat, and shoot him directly in the orange fucking head.  As an Ohioan, I am deeply embarrassed by this pussy.  He tans, he cries, he is a moron.  No one will lament his necessary death.  I would then recite Clint Eastwood's speech from the brothel at the end of Unforgiven.  Tell everyone in the building that if they don't want to die, to turn around and leave out the back door.  Tell them they are all gonna pay for what they done to Ned.  Turn around and find John Kerry.  Grab him by the collar and pistol-whip him right in the horse face.  Don't even offer an explanation.  Tell him if the next words out of his mouth are not "Whatever you say O-Bomb", he's getting capped.  A pistol-whipping can only improve that mug.  After this business is completed, I'd call Nancy Pelosi out onto center stage.  Make it seem like you are going to say something nice about her.  Then pull out a bottle of Dom, shake it up and start spraying it all over her face.  Shoot the floor around her feet and scream "Dance for us bitch!".  The first person who says something other than "Yessir!", walk up to them and stick the gun in their mouth.  Just start yelling "What the fuck you say bout my momma?!"  Now you've got everyone's attention.  You've left your Kansas behind my friend.  You've shed Carlton Banks and become Denzel Washington in "Man on Fire".  Killing for sport.  Now that you are calling the shots, you've got to make the hard decisions that none of these pussies and sleazebags are willing to make because it might get them unelected.  This is what G-Dubbyah did.  He just did whatever the fuck he wanted.  Unfortunately every decision he made was absolutely terrible and detrimental to the future of the nation and the world.  You've got to reverse all that shit.  Bring everyone home from Iraq and Afghanistan.  Put them to work rebuilding at home.  Trust me, plenty of shit is broken or about to break.  They are going to call you a socialist or say you are acting like a king.  But do you know who else they said that about?  Franklin Delanor Fucking Ballgame Roosevelt, that's who.  Do you think FDR cared?  He was too busy getting more ass than a fucking toilet seat, from a wheel chair mind you.  When times are darkest you do not need your leaders sitting around arguing over who fucked whose boyfriend back in '93 or who stiffed who for a $1,700 lap dance tab at The Titanium Titty in Tampa during the Young Democrats Convention in '01.  They need a warrior, a Kenyan Masai tribesman if you will, to start kicking ass and taking some fucking names.  Who gives a shit if the Tea Party calls you a socialist?  80% of them are racist, and I doubt 20% of them could correctly answer "What is socialism?" on a multiple choice exam, even if the other 3 choices are A) Ocean B) Tree and C) Car.  Just to be safe, I'd have them all rounded up and imprisoned in a labor camp in Nevada somewhere.  The GOP and the Democrats may be useless, but this rag tag army of unemployed, racist, xenophobic, jingoist, uninformed, tax-evading morons are NOT the answer.  I'd gladly trade any 10 of these assholes "guarding" the border for just 1 hardworking Mexican that wants to cross it.

What do you need Obama to make you realize where we are and what is needed?  Opportunity to go down as one of the all time greats is bending over in front of you, with it's skirt hiked up and undies on the floor.  Just. Stick. It. In. Brah.  Crom help us all if you keep pussy-footing around and we end up with some Bachmann'esque dipshit taking over in '13.  Where is the guy who voted against invading Iraq a decade ago?  Fucking find him, and find him fast. 

The Debt Ceiling Debate Explained for the Non-Child Molesting Politician Segment of the Population

It may seem complicated, but it isn't.  For anyone who has been unsuccessfully trying to avoid seeing these Washington fucktards playing dick-slap with each other over this recent hot-button issue, and not really grasping what is going on, this post is for you.  And don't feel bad that you don't get it.  It isn't you--it's them.  If you take away anything from this article, it should be that you've voted tits, on a bull, into government.  Here is the main problem, in a nutshell:

The United States was drunk as shit at an outdoor music festival.  It was hot as all fuck, and all the U.S. brought to wear was a tank top and shorts.  There was a big tent at the festival where shifty fucks on cocaine and failure were giving away "free" fisherman's caps and little water bottles with miniature fan attachments that blew a mist onto your face.  So the U.S. did what any responsible drunk person would do, and signed up for a Visa, a Master Card, an Amex, a Diner's Club, and yes, even a Discover Card.  Then when the U.S. woke up hungover the next day, they went to the mall to make themselves feel better.  They bought some jeans and a fall jacket and some perfume and a Coach purse and some Manolo Blahniks and got a mani-pedi.  That night they treated their friends to dinner and drinks, then hit the strip clubs and went wild in the champagne room.  Later on they ended up at Suzy Kim's Massage Parlor and since it was on the plastic, everyone answered "Happy Ending" when one of Suzy's minions asked "So whah airse ya wan baby?".  Some time went by and all seemed well.  They continued to shop online and eat dinners they couldn't afford, all the while making the minimum payments on the credit cards.  Then the housing market rationalized and suddenly they weren't selling 97 mortgages each month, and income began to dry up.  Suddenly the minimum credit card payments became their entire disposable income.  And guess what, next month money in is going to be < money out, and they can't meet the minimum payment on the revolving credit card debt anymore.  What to do??????

And here is what they do:

They call a huge circle-jerk party with all their most degenerate, lying, cheating, stealing, molesting, DUI'ing, racketeering, dick pic texting, intern-raping, sexual harassing, cross-dressing friends and do the most responsible, fiscally sound thing they can think of.....open up a new credit card to pay the minimum monthly balances on all the other credit cards, at the very handsome APR of 39.99%.

And that folks, is all she wrote.  We all have a line-blowing friend with a blow-out haircut that is doing the same, and it is no different with the U.S. Government.  I'm not passing any judgment on the decision to open the new credit card.  It is either file bankruptcy now with Peter Francis Geraci, or file bankruptcy later with one of PFG's esteemed colleagues after Peter Francis Geraci tragically dies in a Red Roof Inn under a highway overpass when a game of erotic asphyxiation with a prostitute goes awry.  It is only a matter of delaying the inevitable.  Just like when Bush & Bros brought us the bailout that has (as I predicted before he even won the election) now been blamed entirely on the Black Guy who had nothing to do with it.  I guess there is a chance our 4th and 88 with 0:02 on the clock Hail Mary hook and lateral play somehow goes Stanford vs. Cal and we avoid having to call the debt consolidation 1-800 number at 2 a.m. with an empty bottle of scotch next to our sofa and an aborted straight-razor cut on our wrist.  I mean why not?  Anything is possible, with God.  And once the Tea Party comes to power, we're going to have a straight flush to the God.  

Could Someone Please Tell Maria Shriver to Quit being such a Pussy

Your husband fathered a child with an employee behind your back. WAAAAHHHHH! Shut the fuck up already. Who did you think you married, A.C. Green? You married Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger. Do you think he made himself look like this so he could be a one-snatch kind of guy? You knew what you were getting into; you're a Kennedy for Christ's sake. The Kennedy's invented spousal infidelity. Your uncles are like the Michelangelo and DaVinci of cheating on women. Now granted, your uncles were not plowing appalingly ugly common field hands like your Austrian beaux, but they were widely dispersing their seed none-the-less. So save all of us the feigned shock and horror and move on with your $500,000,000 and start getting nailed by your 19 year old Brazilian pool boy such as your birthright entitles you. I guess the daytime TV crowd will probably feel sorry for you, but that is only because Oprah tells them to. No one else gives a shit. Would you ask the sun not to shine Maria? Would you ask the bee not to sting? Of course you wouldn't. So why would you ask Arnold to quit chasing tail?

Dear The Donald: You Might Want to Remove Obama's Balls from your Chin before you try to Talk Again

In an utterly stunning turn of events, The Donald's surprising streak of successful assholery came to a screeching halt this past weekend. Obama first drops the birth certificate on his ass. Which by the way, if you are a "Birther", you should be taken out behind the tool shed and raped to death with an old 2x4. No sense in wasting a bullet on your retarded ass; those cost money. The Donald did a decent job of spinning this as doing a great turn for the American people, proving their president has the right to be president. Great job Toupee, because he hasn't already been president for 2+ years. Then we fast-forward to Saturday night where Obama takes a giant Mexican food and Tequila dump right on The Donald's Chevy Chase. Roasted that asshat into the Bronze Age. Less than 24 hours later Obama is giving the green light on icing the world's #1 most wanted. Say what you will about this whole bin Laden affair, and I've said plenty. But you have to recognize the marbles it took for Obama to make this call. He could have dropped in a bunker bomb and obliterated everything close to Osama. But we would have never had the proof. So he goes with the summer action flick scenario with the Seals repelling in and shooting mutherfuckers at point blank. If that fails and Osama escapes, Barack is a GOAT. So what does The Donald do now? Hopefully shuts the fuck up. This asshole has never done anything in his life. He is a Trustafarian run amok. He took a huge inheritance and pissed it away as only a privileged assclown could. He gets by on arrogance and self-promotion. Unfortunately that is good enough in this era of bread and circus, but it doesn't make him any less a human parasite. If I'm Obama I would complete this hat trick and go +1 by pulling off a menage-a-trois with The Donald's wife and daughter. Obama is at that point where he is standing over The Donald as the The Toupee is in a death circle, and the Mortal Kombat announcer is yelling "FINISH HIM!". Banging his wife and/or daughter would ensure this fuckstick can't open his mouth in public ever again.

Its Official: Obama can go and Fuck Right Off

I'm so done with this mutherfucker. And it hurts. It really hurts. I bought the whole package, hook, line and fucking sinker. The charismatic, intellectual black man with the progressive agenda to navigate this American ship away from stormy seas and back onto a course of being Numero Uno. And not the kind of #1 by default because everyone else sucks. But the kind of #1 where a Kennedy brother shows up in your country, comes to your palace, drinks your scotch, and bangs the ever-living shit out of your trophy wife in the wine cellar while you sit in the drawing room smoking cigars and bragging about your U.S. Ivy League education with the other heads of powerless states. But alas, he's nothing more than a public speaking dynamo who is no less of a whore to big oil than is Daniel Day Lewis's character in There Will Be Blood. He had everything for me: A) Amazing public speaker. After 8 years of nails-on-chalkboard speeches from the dumbest, I mean the DUMBEST mutherfucker to ever take regular dumps at the White House, I was salivating for this silver-tongued, big-eared angel. Because ultimately what is the job of U.S. President? It is to basically be the Tony Robbins for America. And few speak more eloquently than Obama. B)He's black. Well, kind of. I have a very deep-seeded feeling of white guilt regarding the black man's place in the United States. I am sick to my stomach about the circumstances under which they were brought here. The fucking European savages sailing them to the western hemisphere to engage in forced slave labor on one hand while they shit from the mouths about their hypocritical "God" and the equality this new land they stole from Native Americans would afford to all....except of course the Indians, the poor, the blacks, the women, the Chinese, the Irish, and everyone else save wealthy, aristocratic, land-owning, protestant white males. I was excited for someone of color to finally be elected to the position of Head Honcho. Was I playing a bit of make-believe in thinking this to be the case? Absolutely. It wasn't like we elected Malcolm X. He has an African father who fucked off shortly after he was born. He was raised, in Hawai'i, by white people from Kansas. I was raised by white people from Ohio, in Ohio. I'm not sure he is much blacker than I am. But he did significantly raise his street cred by marrying a black woman........ C) Which brings me to my third point; his wife is kind of hot. An Amazon yes, but bangable to the max. D) He had a progressive agenda in line with many of my own beliefs. E) The other ticket featured a stupid old white guy with no ideas and a history of cancer coupled with a bitch so fucking stupid, she makes every one of those bitches from Jersey Shore sound like Stephen Hawking. And it isn't even close. So I was also voting as much to keep these ass clowns out of office as I was voting to get anyone else into office. I swear to you, if Sarah Palin were to become president we'd all be sewing buttons onto khaki pants in a Chinese sweat shop so fast your goddamn head would spin. F) He is brilliant. At the end of the day you want the guy representing you to be smarter than you. I personally am not that bright. But if you looked at the podiums at the end of a game of Jeopardy with the contestants being Obama, me and G.W. Bush, the scores would be: Obama 27,500; Me 9,400; Dubbyah -97,200.

G) He rips dogs. In this day and age, it was refreshing to see Barizzle smoking butts right in everyone's face. Pissing in the face of lung cancer.

But alas Obama betrayed me. The only way I'm showing up to the polls next year is if the Republican voting base is utterly retarded enough to vote Tits McGhee back onto the ballot. Then it is everyone with a brain's civic, no not civic but rather duty to humanity as a whole to show up and ensure she doesn't win. Because make no mistake, the Republican voting base is so colossally fucking stupid right now that if they showed up to a WalMart in West Virginia on a Saturday night, they would significantly LOWER the overall I.Q. of the joint. So this is possible. But if that doesn't occur, I'm officially done. He's bombing Libya one day, and talking about how his goal for the upcoming election is to raise $1,000,000,000. Yes, 1 Billion. Fuck you man. He doesn't give a flying fuck about any of us. He cares about keeping his job. He cares about campaign contributions. He cares about the defense lobby. He does not care about Sudanese. He does not care about North Koreans. He does not care about anyone else lacking oil. My politics are most closely aligned with Noam Chomsky, Howard Zinn and Rage Against the Machine. As RATM stated at Lollapalooza in 2008: "We are supporting Obama.....but if he doesn't get out of Iraq and Afghanistan immediately, then fuck him too!". Preach it Brother de la Rocha, preach it. My fantasy of someone storming into office and rolling some fucking heads is just that, a fantasy. The pathetic plans people are proposing are nothing but red herrings to divert our collective attention from the real business of American government, which is getting paid and keeping your job. These plans are to throw deck chairs off the Titanic while what we really need is someone below deck bawling the shit out of Kate Winslet. So congratulations Barack, you got me. Hope you are enjoying bombing Libya. If you need me on election day, I'll be in the shitter. All day. PS--RATM did a killer rendition of "Testify" at the 2008 Lollapalooza. And if you weren't there for it, well, you weren't there, man.

Dear Darfur: Find Some Oil or Shut the Fuck Up

In case you didn't notice, 6 people in Libya got a headache, 4 people turned their ankles, 3 people got diarrhea, 2 people pulled a hamstring, and 1 chick broke a newly manicured nail. And what happened? Tomahawk missiles up the ass of their oppressors.

What did you get in Darfur? Lets see, hundreds of thousands dead, famine, rape, torture, just a general ass kicking.....and I think you got some t-shirts, maybe a couple of shitty folk songs, a few righteous Hollywood assholes giving an overly dramatic Oscar acceptance speech not because they cared about you, but because they cared about everyone thinking they cared about something outside of their own giant head.

North Korea, Rwanda, Indonesia, Cambodia, Zimbabwe......cry us a fucking river. The USA and the "Allies", which always appear to consist of the USA, France for 36 hours of the operation, and England until their citizens start asking why they're killing people with their tax money, are the World Police. But not for you sorry sons of bitches. The World Police only police areas which sit on top of a shitload of Texas Tea, Liquid Gold, Oil that is. So until one of you goes out shootin' for some food and happens upon about 10,000,000 barrels of crude per month.....get fucked. Mugabe, Idi Amin, Janjaweed militia, Kim Jong Izzle can do whatever they want, all day baby. And unless you find some Tomahawks and a few F-14s out behind your dung huts, or better yet an assload of oil, you're hating life. So quit whining. We're too busy Tomahawking Tripoli back to a day when Hannibal would still recognize it, to listen to you.

We will bomb the McMutherfuck out of anyone starting trouble in a crude-pumping mecca. But if you start makin' trouble in your neighborhood, and your 'hood ain't oil-rich, eeehhhh, we'll say something really pointed about it at the next U.N. General Assembly. Right before we all head out to eat, drink and whore on the money our governments pledge to pretend to help people like you. It is what it is; lower your expectations to zero and fucking deal with it.

Afghanistan, You Just got your Ass Kicked!

In your face Afghanistan! U.S. forces acting within NATO fired from a gunship on March 1st, ultimately killing 9 Afghan children who were collecting firewood. Take that Afghanistan! Not so fucking cocky now, are you? You want to step to the United States? You get children slaughtered. Plain and simple. You don't even have to step to the United States to get your shit packed. Some crazy assholes that you don't pay attention to can take over your country, then provide a safe haven for some even crazier assholes who blow up some buildings in the United States, and you'll still get your ass kicked and your children blown up. U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, you ugly! And we're doing this shit on your home court. How embaaaarrrrassing. Think of how many kids we'd blow up if this was in our gym.

I can't believe these people have the audacity to bitch about some measly hillbilly children to begin with. Look at all we've done for them. Since we showed up there have been some election-type thingys that have occurred. Even better, if the person the U.S. doesn't want to win, happens to win, one of these election-style happenings, we declare it illegal and have other electionesque events until the guy we want to win, wins. It is all in your best interest, trust us. Sometimes some kids get blown the fuck to hell. Instead of sitting around bitching about it, come up with a better game plan next time. If you don't like getting your ass kicked in front of your own fans, then play better. It isn't our job to stop ourselves from scoring, it is the defense's job to stop us.

What is Everyone in Egypt so Pissed Off About?

Seriously, can everyone over there rip a hookah and chill the fuck out. Some dictator-like dude, Mubarak, runs your country and treats you like shit. Big fucking deal. You want democracy, and you want the United States to intervene and make it happen for you, because the United States is the global champion of peoples fighting for democracy. Well guess what? If you believe that, then I have a bag full of rabbit turds, I mean magic beans, that I'd like to sell to you at a once-in-a-lifetime price. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Actually it shouldn't be a secret to anyone because the U.S. policy makers are so friggin' obvious with their actions, regardless of their bullshit rhetoric, that no one should be in doubt anymore: The U.S. does not give one half of one shit what type of government you have, so long as you do exactly what the fuck we tell you to do. And this is the heart of the problem with your little quagmire in northeast Africa. Sure Mubarak is a dickhole of the highest order. Sure he treats you like shit and wipes his ass with human rights. Sure you're making $400 a month even though you hold two doctorates. Go cry us a river Muhammad bin Muhammad. When the U.S. says "Jump!", Mubarak bends over and says "Just stick it in my ass". At the end of the day, that is all we care about. After 5 p.m. he can go home, take whiskey straight to the face, remove his belt and beat the shit out of his people all goddamn night. The U.S. Embassy Cairo will just pretend the noise we hear is a really loud movie being watched in the next apartment, not violent domestic abuse. If you don't believe me, just ask Mr. Joe Blow Iraqi. Back in the early 80's, we could not sip enough champagne, snort enough blow, or bang enough Kazak whores with Saddam Hussein. Just look at the photo above of Donald Rumsfeld kicking it with Sadizzle at his HQ back in 1983. At that time everyone in America (including me, and I was about 5 years old) knew that Saddam was using weapons of mass destruction (WMD) on not only the Iranians he was at war with, but also on his own people. We didn't give one fuck. Why not? Because we hated Iran. We got huge boners every time he indiscriminately launched a warhead into Iran filled with mustard gas. We whacked off furiously if it hit a crowd of women and children. And why wouldn't we??? One dude in that country decided to kidnap a few of our citizens. So guess what, fuck 'em all. He could dine on raw skewered virgins every night for all we cared, so long as he did our bidding. But Saddam fucked up.....he quit following orders. And you know what happened? The U.S. blew into Iraq, and they brought hell with them. Daisy Cutters. Have Nap bombs. Cluster bombs. Juiced up marines with flame throwers. All that shit, bitch. And why? Because we said he was considering making some weapons of mass destruction. No mention of all the WMDs he already used cooking your parents, aunts & uncles. He was still in line back then. But not now. And you might think, Egypt, that the U.S. wouldn't unleash a shit storm of weapons of mass destruction on a populace who can barely defend themselves, all to teach them not to use WMDs. Well guess what, you'd be a dead-assed wrong turkey. Just ask a retard sitting on death row right now in Texas. So I implore you Egypt, lest one day you huddle in your concrete basement as F-15s rain down the fury upon you and your family, to understand what the U.S. is all about. We're all about democracy, if the non-democratic government in charge of your country doesn't do exactly what we tell them to do, and thank us for it. If it isn't convenient for us, then, eh......best wishes. Although it might not even be best wishes. If we like your leader, ummm dictator, enough, then we might just help put your little insurrection to bed, with much prejudice. Wait what? You think we don't have the moral ground to do something like that? Hah! What if your entire little pro-democracy panty raid was actually a front for a hostile take-over attempt by the sinister Muslim Brotherhood? That's preposterous you say? As soon as that little unsubstantiated rumor is leaked to CNN, Fox News and MSNBC, well then it becomes fact.

I know this is a bit of a shock. But seriously, calm down and go about your business like none of this happened. You seem like nice folks and I wouldn't want to see your grandmas on BBC wailing over your body lying underneath a pile of rubble. I really wouldn't. So let's do this. We'll send over a massive stereo system that you can put up around the pyramids. Pump some "Walk Like an Egyptian", loud as fuck. Everyone will start doing that 90-degree wrist bend dance, front and back, and everything's cool. It's a lot better than listening to our politicians pretend like they care about you.

In Your Face America!

The rest of America can swing from Chicago's ample nuts. Highest gas prices in the country, bitches! $3.35 a gallon to a national average of $3.08. Salt Lake City is chock full of Mormon pussies who only pay $2.73, the lowest of any U.S. metropolitan area. So you fucking creeps can plan some extra trips to the Tabernacle. Chicago is dominating the United States in all sorts of desirable categories such as: Most school shootings; Most gang violence; Most gun crimes; Shittiest weather; Most corrupt political system; And now highest gas prices. Texas still has the fattest people on lockdown, but if Chicago gets one more goddamned pork-centric restaurant, we might be coming for Texas's ass too. I'm going to fill up my SUV right now, before the prices have a chance to fall.

Former Illinois Governor George Ryan may not get to See his Wife Die

Boo-fucking-hoo. Do you know, George, who gets to see their wives die? People who don't commit a shitload of fucking crimes, that's who. When you are elected to office by the citizens of the state, and then you wait until those citizens aren't looking and stick your dick in their ass....guess what fuck-o? You don't get to be at your wife's bedside as she expires. You get to be in an orange jump suit sitting at a metal table in a cafeteria with lots of neon lighting as a guard walks up to you and tells you that your wife died, and then you get to finish your "Grade D But Still Edible" salisbury steak and mashed peas. So do us all a favor and tell your fat dork son to quit displaying his bullshit moral indignation for the cameras and cry yourself to sleep on your shitty mattress. If you wanted to be amongst loved ones in times of family crisis, then maybe you shouldn't have treated the State of Illinois as your personal bank account. No one gives one fuck about you anymore. There is only one guy in Illinois allowed to lie, cheat and steal with his cronies to line his own coffers, and that man's name is Richard M. Daley. So if your name isn't Richard M. Daley, go eat a bag of dicks.

BREAKING NEWS: We Got Bin Laden!!!

Oh wait, no we didn't. My bad. He is still kicking it in a cave in Peshwar, balls-deep in virgins, washing down fresh opium with some tea you've never even heard of. There is a silver lining to this cloud however, which is:

Since Bin Laden and his associates took full responsibility for the master-minding and financial support of the 9/11 World Trade Center attacks, the United States has.....

-Had a full meltdown of our stock market

-Obliterated parts of Afghanistan, which were already fucked to begin with

-Made up an utterly and completely horseshit story about Iraq. We used to party with Iraq, but they quit following orders and someone needed to pay for thinking independently

-Used the horseshit story to launch a multi-billion dollar terrorist attack of our own against a country that had nothing to do with 9/11, killing scores of their completely innocent non-combatant civilians

-Tested out some pretty neat weapons of mass destruction on the innocent civilians of the country we were punishing for supposedly having weapons of mass destruction

-Showed that Colin Powell was one of the only people in the American government with a shred of honor

-Killed a bunch of fucking people NOT named Osama bin Laden

-Had the effects of trying to support two separate occupying forces ultimately lead to our economy collapsing

-Even though he was one of the only people with big enough balls to call bullshit on the wars in the first place, we blamed the black guy for the wars and bailing out the banks that were already bailed out before he ever set foot in the White House

-Turned Iraq from a country where a terrorist would be summarily executed if he stopped to take a piss in the desert there; to a country that is now the MTV Spring Break Cancun of international terrorism

-Spent combined more than 1 trillion dollars to completely re-fuck two countries that were already well-fucked to begin with

So obviously we fell into a pile of shit and came out smelling like roses. The really awesome part is that I guarangoddamntee you that if 2 days after 9/11 the U.S. had sent 2 dozen of our best special forces Navy Seal kill-you-twice-before-you-know-you're-dead badasses to Afghanistan with a blank check to sign over to some local Afghan poppy-field baron warlords, Osama would have been all kinds of dead a fortnight later. I bet it wouldn't have exceeded 250 million bucks, tops. But no, we'd prefer to handle it the Texas way and spend all sorts of money to still fail. So here's to you Osama bin Fuckface, you orchestrated one of the most successful attacks in the history of earth from a fuckin' cave on the other side of the planet. Colonel Kurtz could have used a man like you in 'Nam.

God Ain't Gonna do us Like That

Run, don't walk, to your local car dealership and buy yourself the biggest SUV or truck you can find. Climate change is the bullshit of all bullshits. It is the biggest bullshit in China. And why you ask? Because John Mutherfuckin Ballgame Shimkus says so. But who the fuck is John Shimkus, and why are we invalidating millions of hours of scientific experiments showing that Climate Change is real? John Shimkus is the Illinois 19th District Republican Congressman, that's the fuck who. But it isn't so much who John Shimkus is as much as who is validating his claims that Climate change is a steaming pile of monkey jizz: God. That swashbuckling, fire and brimstoning, pillar of salt turning, certified badass sumamabitch God. Argue with that Mr. Save The Earth fucking pussy. Go ahead, argue with God. "Well, I think we have to accept the completely logical fact that as a 3 dimensional object with proven, existing boundaries, thus finite and not infinite resources, if we wish to not exhaust those resources and destroy the planet we live on, we should consider some conservation strategies." Shimkus, just ready to bury this mutherfucker in a goddamned Mt. Everest worth of logic: "BULLSHIT!!! God says this isn't going to happen!"

And this is of course splitting hairs, but God he/her/itself (and lets be honest, we know its a dude, why else would guys have these cool dicks?) didn't actually say that. Rather it was written down in the official book of God, the Bible, by some dudes that wrote about God, but never met God. Nor did they really even know the guy claiming to be his son. But they heard some shit he might have said once upon a time at this fucking awesome kegger rage-on over at Zebbeciah's parent's Dead Sea house when they on vacation in Italy. I don't know where they got the rest of the information. Maybe microfiche in the Jerusalem Public Library? Maybe it was written on the wall of the men's room at the Damascus-to-Cairo donkey cart stop. It doesn't fucking well matter, because God said it, and that is endy fookin' storry, lad.

So live it up and quit sweating this natural resources and climate change fairy tale that liberals and science PHDs are trying to blow up your ass with their water bongs. God promised Noah, after the flood, that he would never end the earth through natural disaster again. Even though he (or the dudes espousing his wisdom even though they never talked to him) made no reference to human beings in their consumptive excesses exhausting the earth's resources, the fact that he vaguely mentioned in the book he never wrote or authorized that he wouldn't destroy the earth through natural'y type devices again is good enough for Johnny Ballgame Shimkus, and it is damn well good enough for me.

So if you think God isn't creative enough to come up with a new earth-ending strategy, then fuck you. And secondly, fuck you.

America Proves to the World Once More that We're a Nation of Impatient Morons

If that black guy can't fix everything that ails our country in less than 2 years, then fuck him right to hell, we'll vote in a bunch of other people with no ideas on how to do it. Take that bitch!!! We fucking showed him, and everyone else, man! Inherit one the top 5 worst financial disasters of all time, 2 wars of incomprehensible aggression, massive bailouts, staggering unemployment, infrastructure in ruins and a housing sector that looks like Beirut in the 1980's, well we don't care about any of that shit. Fucking fix all of it and get me and my cousin Denny a goddamned job, and do it in one year or less. If you can't, well then we're going to vote an entirely new group of fucktards into the office with the sole intent of telling you to fuck off. We don't even care that we don't know them or that they have presented not one idea on how to fix a single problem. All we know is that they said for the past 6 months that you suck, and that is all we need. So fuck you, you commie red bum. We don't really know what communism is, other than that guy Rocky fought in Rocky IV--the asshole that killed Apollo Creed, but Fox News says you are one and we're pretty sure from the contextual inferences in the movie, that it is something pretty bad. And we don't want that goddamn shit in our country man! So you better watch out Barack bin Laden, cuz the mutherfuckin' Republicans are comin' for your pinko commie ass! All your ideas on improving education and trying to bring health care to all Americans, that shit ain't happening now dick. Who the hell was that supposed to help anyway? I've got a G.E.D, my kids are gettin' er done with D's in school usin' the same fuckin' books I used when I was there, and I'm payin' $350 a month for COBRA policy so I'm pretty sure I don't need your goddamned health care handout you fucking ni............now c'mon, you know we ain't racist, don't try painting us into that corner you sneaky, fast-talking son-of-a-bitch. Tea Party bitches! Just like the one they did in Washington D.C. back in like 1876 when we told those Brits where to shove it!

Both Candidates for Illinois Senate Have Such Great Ideas on how to Fix Illinois, that I Have No Idea Who to Vote For

I've been watching television ads lately and I have to say picking a candidate in this race is going to be tough. They both present such phenomenal ideas on how they will solve Illinois's problems.

Alexi Giannoulias has, in my humble opinion, a great strategy for cleaning up corruption in Illinois, getting out of debt and becoming profitable again, and bringing Illinois back to respectability: Mark Kirk Fucking Sucks. There it is folks, all problems solved. Mark Kirk is a complete and utter turd, he spends like a drunken sailor at a Thai brothel, and he will without a doubt cram a giant black rubber cock into the unsuspecting asses of average Illinois citizens if you give him opportunity.

Mark Kirk has a different, but still compelling, message stating his plans to medicate and ultimately fix our great state: Alexi Giannoulias is a Fucking Asshole. I was barking up all the wrong trees such as fiscal responsibility, ending graft, increasing manufacturing, etc. I didn't realize that all we might need is to point out what a fucking scumbag Alexi Giannoulias is. Kirk's ads are quite clear. If we vote Alexi into office he is going to steal all your money in Ponzi schemes, let your chickens out of the barn, and steal off into the night with your daughters where he plans to annihilate their cherries in a most aggressive and unloving manner, only to return them the next day with his demon seed growing in their bellies.

I've stewed over this for weeks. Alexi Giannoulias is an asshole versus Mark Kirk sucks. Each plan has its merits and could ultimately save Illinois from collapse. These guys are both running a great campaign. Keep it simple and stick to the main points. In the end it will probably come down to which commercial I watch before leaving for the voting polls.