Dear Obama: What the World Needs Now is a GANGSTER

Barack, this is fucking serious.  This is 4th and 19, down 6, with 37 seconds to go in the Super Bowl.  You have before you a unique moment in world history, and you are the quarterback of the best team.  This is your chance to be Churchill laying on top of buildings in London screaming "Fuck you!" at the Waffen S.S. as they rained bombs on the capital, or FDR telling everyone to get fucked while he handled bidness.  The United States just had it's credit rating dropped because everyone with half a dick knows we're all but fucked.  Europe is at the precipice of monumental financial disaster which will result in them fracturing back into the nationalistic aggression which brought us Napoleon, Bismarck, WWI and WWII.  There is a goddamned mob running amok in London for Christ's sake.  We're in the middle of two useless tit wars that are fucking killing us financially and bankrupting us morally.  And the straw that broke the camel's back....a fucking hurricane just waltzed into New York Fucking City and shut down the subway system.  20 years ago a hurricane tries to invade New York City, it probably gets stabbed, a gang-beating minimum.  The world hungers for Mad Max.  America thirsts for Braveheart (Gibson hates playing heroes, doesn't he?).  And who are you giving them?  Fucking Carlton Banks, thats who.  Please, for the love of Crom, snap out of your goddamned "Change" coma and go straight gangstah on all these mutherfuckers right now!!!  Not next month, not after the election, but tomorrow.  You are home from vacation and it is time to put heads to bed.  These political parties, which are barely discernible from one another at this point, are the biggest bullshit in China dude.  Useless fucks, all of them.  No interest in getting anything done, at all.  Nothing but bitching, whining, and blaming each other for the problems they are paid to solve.  If you listen Obama, and listen right now, there is still time to act.  This is what you can, and most certainly should, do:

Drop your pussy-assed Carlton Banks "let's compromise" bullshit that is designed only to get you reelected.  Everyone sees through the ruse, so just let it go.  Drop the suit and tie, and show up to Capitol Hill tomorrow in a Sean Jean sweatceudo and a bandana with a sideways, straight-billed Raiders hat over it, sporting Air Force Ones.  Channel your inner O-Dog from "Menace II Society".  Walk into that Capitol Building with an an entourage blaring the most aggressive Tupac you can find from a boom box, with a fucking gangster lean and yell, "Break yo self bitches, O-Bomb bout to preach!"  Walk up to John Boehner, pull out a gat, and shoot him directly in the orange fucking head.  As an Ohioan, I am deeply embarrassed by this pussy.  He tans, he cries, he is a moron.  No one will lament his necessary death.  I would then recite Clint Eastwood's speech from the brothel at the end of Unforgiven.  Tell everyone in the building that if they don't want to die, to turn around and leave out the back door.  Tell them they are all gonna pay for what they done to Ned.  Turn around and find John Kerry.  Grab him by the collar and pistol-whip him right in the horse face.  Don't even offer an explanation.  Tell him if the next words out of his mouth are not "Whatever you say O-Bomb", he's getting capped.  A pistol-whipping can only improve that mug.  After this business is completed, I'd call Nancy Pelosi out onto center stage.  Make it seem like you are going to say something nice about her.  Then pull out a bottle of Dom, shake it up and start spraying it all over her face.  Shoot the floor around her feet and scream "Dance for us bitch!".  The first person who says something other than "Yessir!", walk up to them and stick the gun in their mouth.  Just start yelling "What the fuck you say bout my momma?!"  Now you've got everyone's attention.  You've left your Kansas behind my friend.  You've shed Carlton Banks and become Denzel Washington in "Man on Fire".  Killing for sport.  Now that you are calling the shots, you've got to make the hard decisions that none of these pussies and sleazebags are willing to make because it might get them unelected.  This is what G-Dubbyah did.  He just did whatever the fuck he wanted.  Unfortunately every decision he made was absolutely terrible and detrimental to the future of the nation and the world.  You've got to reverse all that shit.  Bring everyone home from Iraq and Afghanistan.  Put them to work rebuilding at home.  Trust me, plenty of shit is broken or about to break.  They are going to call you a socialist or say you are acting like a king.  But do you know who else they said that about?  Franklin Delanor Fucking Ballgame Roosevelt, that's who.  Do you think FDR cared?  He was too busy getting more ass than a fucking toilet seat, from a wheel chair mind you.  When times are darkest you do not need your leaders sitting around arguing over who fucked whose boyfriend back in '93 or who stiffed who for a $1,700 lap dance tab at The Titanium Titty in Tampa during the Young Democrats Convention in '01.  They need a warrior, a Kenyan Masai tribesman if you will, to start kicking ass and taking some fucking names.  Who gives a shit if the Tea Party calls you a socialist?  80% of them are racist, and I doubt 20% of them could correctly answer "What is socialism?" on a multiple choice exam, even if the other 3 choices are A) Ocean B) Tree and C) Car.  Just to be safe, I'd have them all rounded up and imprisoned in a labor camp in Nevada somewhere.  The GOP and the Democrats may be useless, but this rag tag army of unemployed, racist, xenophobic, jingoist, uninformed, tax-evading morons are NOT the answer.  I'd gladly trade any 10 of these assholes "guarding" the border for just 1 hardworking Mexican that wants to cross it.

What do you need Obama to make you realize where we are and what is needed?  Opportunity to go down as one of the all time greats is bending over in front of you, with it's skirt hiked up and undies on the floor.  Just. Stick. It. In. Brah.  Crom help us all if you keep pussy-footing around and we end up with some Bachmann'esque dipshit taking over in '13.  Where is the guy who voted against invading Iraq a decade ago?  Fucking find him, and find him fast. 

What do you Think People's Crotch Smelled Like 700 Years Ago?

Being that I'm an amateur history buff I feel quite strongly that this topic has been grossly under-reported. Being that personal groin hygiene and maintenance is largely a phenomenon of the past 2 decades, I have to imagine the crotch of 1311 was a house of horrors. If you were a young lass of questionable virtue who decided to go down on the knob of a local boy, who had presumably been out carrying rocks to and fro and trying to avoid the plague all day, how would you stifle the stench of onion pube long enough to finish your task? You must recall there was no running water indoors, no morning shower, and to fill a copper tub with fire-heated water being such a Herculean task that it was done but a couple times a year. There were no beard trimming clippers either, so the pube jungle must have been truly breathtaking. And imagine, if you will, you are a randy young country squire attending the Autumn Harvest Lute Dance and get very friendly with a fair maiden on the dance hay during a particularly riveting rendition of "Please Forest Goblins, Don't Steal and Feast on my Baby". You decide to retire to the high weeds for some unprotected sex, but before you set to business you realize you've "got to lick it, before you stick it". Unbeknownst to you our fair maiden has not retired to the babbling brook for a wash-up in more than a fortnight, in addition to a rather yeasty parade through Tuna Town. As you remove the course woolen undergarment of your quarry you are punched directly in the nose by the iron fist of unkempt snatch. What do you do? There is no manual on how to proceed if the wizard's sleeve is full of Limburger cheese.

I heard Gore Vidal was planning to script a tome on this very subject, but he's too old. It is history's great loss that he is unable to do so. We must all be thankful that we live in the golden age of crotch upkeep.