Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Would Someone Please get these Fucking Skinny Jeans Out of my Face Already?

This fashion trend has been mildly annoying for some time now, but I reached my breaking point this past Sunday at Whole Foods. I was minding my own business in the check-out line when I noticed two lines over a fat fuck hipster of EPIC proportions in a pair of skin tight black skinny jeans. His feet had to be purple given how tight these fucking things were at the ankle. I'm not even going to attempt to describe this asshole in full. If I did the World Wide Web might explode. At minimum I'd have a seizure. Suffice it to say just the sight of this fucktard was enough to ruin even the sunniest of days. Whoever came up with the idea to sell skinny jeans to fat people should be sacked immediately, with much aggression. The highest waist size these things should be sold in for men is 28. If you are bigger than that, fuck off and wear some goddamn pants. Ultimately no one could legally buy these abominations unless they were in a band or could prove Swedish citizenship, if I had my way.
This virus initially started, as do all malignant fashion diseases, in Europe and spread to New York, America's most densely populated assclown hipster den. It should have died there but the virus went airborne and escaped the island to take root in the mainland. As I have a natural immunity to this pandemic I ignored the problem as people were suffering all around me. After my harrowing experience with the Hippo Hipster at Whole Foods I can no longer sit idly by as grotesque people over the age of 25 with stick-out-guts butter their hips so they can stretch these prepubescent trousers over their ample flesh. I haven't the foggiest idea how they get into or out of these pants. My best guess is that they have to jump into them from several stories above to apply the pants, while calling for the Jaws of Life to remove them at night.
My "Surf's Up!" SoCal buddy has informed this contagion has infested the greater Los Angeles area as well. I thought everyone in L.A. wanted loose-fitting, comfortable clothing that didn't impede their ability to be far-out? I guess I was wrong. And when I say "L.A." I am obviously not including the greater Hollywood area, which doesn't count as part of Earth.
I think these jeans are very practical if you are between the ages of 16-24, in a modern punk band, less than 140lbs, are addicted to herion, and have tiny feet. Everyone not in that demographic, please do the right thing and quit wearing them.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I've Heard there are People who don't Like "The Town"

Those people should really be spending their time trying to erase the encyclopedia of kiddie porn they have stored on their hard drive (and please remember to empty the recycle bin) before the Feds arrive with a warrant. Unless you are Pete Townsend and are just doing research to try and find a way to stop child pornography, they'll put your ass in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for that shit. Trying to convince people to be joyless losers who do nothing but bitch like 14 year old girls such as yourself, and not appreciate the wicked awesomeness of this movie is a sad waste of time. This movie is ball-rattlingly good, and this is why:

-Afflek is back. Believe it.
-Jeremy Renner is proving himself a very convincing crazy and bad mutherfucker.
-Blake Lively is hot. Even as a drug-addled whore with a Charlestown accent.
-Gratuitous use of a David Ortiz RBI highlight
-Fenway Park
-Over-the-top Bahston accents
-Lack of Jack Nicholson running around playing a bad parody of himself and ruining an otherwise brilliant movie
-Car chases up your ass
-Loud assed fucking machine guns
-Did I mention Blake Lively?

So if someone tells you this movie sucks, just say, "Hey, I understand your dad didn't take it well when you told him you were gay. But that has nothing to do with Ben Afflek or The Town. He'll come around eventually."

Thursday, September 23, 2010

EMERGENCY BROADCAST: Katy Perry Shows Some Cleavage on Seasame Street....Pick up the Red Phone and Call Fucking Batman!

That is the last straw, I'm packing up the wife and kids and moving to fucking Iran. I will not sit idly by and tolerate my children or anyone else's children being exposed to evil, dirty, vulgar, partially-exposed breasts. If you expose a child to this sort of pornography rest assured they will be face-down on a urine-soaked sofa in the basement of an abandoned home with a heroin needle dangling from their arm, the only sign of life being the festering herpes sores in their nether regions, by the time they are 19. Sesame Street, along with their harlot Ms. Perry, have brought great shame and bad tidings to our nation this day. I just don't know how you can ask children, resilient though they may be, to recover from briefly viewing the upper 35% of a set of breasts? For the love of God, someone please find us an army of psychologists to try and work the children through this heinous event.

I do have one small thing I'd like to point out to all the mentally-challenged people who are up in arms about this: ALL KIDS SUCK ON TITS. How do you think you were nourished the first 1-9 months of your life you sanctimonious cunt? Was it "Immaculate Feeding"? One of the most indelible images burned into the brains of babies is staring for large periods of time, multiple times per day, at a set of tits. Seeing a pair now is not going to cause them to torch their daycare to the ground or collapse into the fetal position quaking with fear. I'm sure they are probably wondering "Where are the nipples?", but I think they're going to get through this just fine. Instead of worrying about Sesame Street having the audacity to not hide nature from nature's children, instead get your fucking kid out from in front of the TV and have them run around or read a book. And then fuck off, asshole.
*In this picture, doesn't it look like Elmo is saying "Daaammnnn! Look at them titties!"

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Mark My Words: "The Braylon Edwards Story" will End in Tears

Braylon Edwards is an egomaniacal, selfish asshole whose brain is incapable of processing abstract concepts such as "Others" or "Consequences". He cannot compute simple mathematical calculations like "This action + this action could = negative outcome". In today's professional sports environment people like him are a dime a dozen. But I have a gut feeling on this one. He's going to cause some very serious emotional distress for someone, a group of people, possibly even an entire team's fan base. He is big and strong and fast and could be an elite receiver. He never will be though, because he has zero heart, doesn't give a shit about anyone outside of himself and loves to drop passes. He was out drinking with Donte Stallworth in 2009 the night before Stallworth ran over a guy while driving drunk, and killed him. Most of us would look at that experience and say "Wow, I'm a rich guy with plenty of options outside of driving drunk and killing an innocent dude". Not this Class 1AA Asshole. Take a cab, dick. Hire a fucking driver. Also in the car when Edwards was pulled over were Jets players D'Brickashaw Ferguson and Vernon Gholston. Together these three morons are probably worth about a quarter of a billion dollars. They could have hired David Hasselhoff to drive them around in Kitt all night if they wanted (Assuming they were paying in cash, not sure the Hoff has any bank accounts left). I'm worth about a quarter of a thousand dollars and I know to call a cab if I'm hammered. Not Braylon. He's gonna drive. And if he kills someone, he doesn't give a fuck. That's their problem.

As a side note I was thoroughly disappointed when the Browns drafted this dickhole. I told everyone I talked to about it that I hoped they didn't. I was in attendance at the Ohio State versus Michigan game in 2004 in Columbus. Michigan had a highly ranked team which included Edwards. Ohio State was in the midst of a bad season and was starting a lot of young players. Edwards was considered one of the best WRs in the country at the time. I watched him get shut the fuck down by Ashton Youboty who was a sophomore corner back. He dropped balls and sulked like a little bitch. He didn't rise to anything and instead sat on the bench between series with an "I don't give a flying fuck" look on his face. I thought he was a pussy then, and he is a confirmed pussy now.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Season Premier of "The Biggest Loser" Tonight!

And it doesn't matter who wins, because you're all still fucking losers. These are truly some of the most miserable pieces of shit our planet has to offer. I would love the shit out of this show if they got these heifers together and force-marched them through the deep south, depriving them of food and encouragement. March until everyone is dead save one. Then that person gets locked in a cage next to a river subsisting on reeds and rat meat until they have an acceptable BMI. Everyone has some goddamned crybaby story that supposedly justifies their selfishness and lack of will. "My dad was an alcoholic so I ate to cope. Wahhhhhh". "My family was poor and I had to go with my mom to local fraternity houses on the weekend nights and watch her suck frat dick so we could make ends meet. I ate food to forget the laughter of the frat bros as they came. Sniff, snort, blubber, sniff, tears". You have no excuse piggy. You look like a bean bag with eyes because you are weak and lazy. Begin your path to redemption by telling the truth: "I am a fat disgusting fucking pig because I eat like a fat disgusting fucking pig". The only worthwhile person on this show is Jillian because she sees through these piles of fluffer nutter's bullshit and tells them everything they don't want to hear: "You are fat because you are a coward." "Your personality is repellent and people despise you." "You can finish the mile out because I have the treadmill set to 4.5 and you aren't a quadriplegic." I do not watch this show for stories of personal triumph. Rather I watch for the same reason Nascar fans watch the race. I want to see a hideous 11-car pile-up with much mutilation.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The NFL is a Pile of Shit

I can't fucking take it anymore. I haven't wanted to give voice to what I've known in my heart for several years: The NFL absolutely fucking sucks. In my youth, during college and throughout most of my 20's it was appointment television. Even after that fat cunt of a jackal Art Modell ripped my heart out and moved the Browns to Baltimore. The New Browns have been a laughing stock ever since and still I watched NFL Football. But I just can't do it anymore. I don't know how it could get any more boring. It doesn't matter how goddamn pedestrian the play you just saw was, you're gonna see it 20 more times via replay. And just pray they don't have to review it, that's another 7 minutes. The commercial breaks are beyond excessive. This is now the actual sequence of commercials:
Come back from commercial.
Offense goes three and out.
Offense punts.
Return team fields ball and is tackled.
Offense begins series.
How is this entertaining? You have to drink like a sorority girl trying to forget last night's "Eiffel Tower" just to make this fun. And a lot of people can't do that on a Sunday. Add in brutally painful announcers--and don't forget there are 20 of them per game now, and 40 per pre-game show--who shit from the mouth for 3+ hours, and you need xanax, minimum, to get through this drivel. The action is still entertaining, but there are too many breaks in the action coupled with players needing to insert their individualism into games by doing an asshole celebration after every play. These are the plays worth celebrating:
Fumble Recovery
That is it. Only assholes celebrate first downs, catching a ball, tackling someone, breaking up a pass, etc. I saw a Miami Hurricane linebacker celebrate and do an interpretive dance last Saturday after tackling an Ohio State running back. However the tailback just got a first down, on Miami's 10 yard line, and they were ahead two scores (I realize this is a collegiate example but the assholery has trickled down).
The final death blow occurred on opening night when the Vikings played at the Saints. This was truly a shitshow to behold. For America's "tough guy", macho sport, the opening musical act was Taylor Swift. Yes, you read that correctly, Taylor Swift. The chick with the legions of fans in the 9-17 year old girl demographic. I've listened to her "music" before, and it sounds like an elephant being put to sleep with a fucking razor blade. What could get you more fired up to watch some dudes go smash heads than a chick crooning out-of-key about the emotional fallout from an under-bleachers finger-blasting? This sorry-assed pansified display was followed by the coat hanger abortion that is Brett Favre. Once that suck fest ended it was time to PLAY SOME FUCKING FOOTBALL!!! Oh wait, no it wasn't. It was time for a Dave Matthews Band concert. Dave Fucking Matthews. They've sucked, aggressively, for a solid 12 years now. My freshman year roommate played the song "Crash" 275,000 times during our first semester at the University of Maryland, and I've had a special place in my heart for those assholes ever since. Listen, I only worked for 1 year in marketing, and it was for college textbooks. But I know that the first rule of marketing is "know your target". If your target was a large group of stoned University of Virginia undergrads, then DMB was a great choice. But it wasn't. Epic fail. If the NFL was really striving for this queer of a kickoff party, why not save a lot of time and money and just pay two dudes to smoke each other's poles on a stage outside the Superdome? Once we FINALLY got to the game, it was a commercial and unnecessary superlative-filled night with some football mixed in. It was okay. It was better than being at work, but it wasn't as entertaining as reading a good book.
I understand that dudes don't want to admit that the NFL fucking sucks high shit. I didn't either. But there are in life certain realizations that must be acknowledged lest you live your life in denial. And this is one of them. RIP NFL, you had a good run.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Where is Guy Fawkes when you Need Him?

In case you aren't familiar with my main shit stain Guy Fawkes, he was the mastermind behind the Gunpowder Plot of 1605 in England. Keeping a long story short, Guy dug a tunnel underneath Parliament and filled it with kegs of gunpowder with the intention of igniting it during a parliamentary session. Fast-forward 400 years, and this is the best idea I can think of to save America from itself. To say the American government is currently a clusterfuck is like saying World War II was a donnybrook. If you honestly think that one of these two parties full of utter and complete ass clowns is the "answer", then you are either batshit insane or your I.Q. is < 85. Bush had the White House and both houses of Congress for years, and guess what they accomplished.........bitching profusely that Democrats were obstructionists. Obizzle has the White House and has had both houses of Congress since he's been there. Guess what they've accomplished.......bitching profusely that Republicans are obstructionists. Fuck 'em all, I'm done. I just hope that when I'm old and gray and rocking my porch swing on the front deck of the retirement home, that I still have enough heart left to shout obscenities at all the Chinese backpackers and exchange students who are here to "soak up our quaint culture".

I hate nothing more than when people respond "We will not lose our place of international prominence, this is America". I'm sure no one ever said that in Mesopotamia. Or Egypt. Or in Ancient Greece. Or any Romans. Or Spaniards. Or the French. And I know the sun never actually set on the British Empire either.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I Can't Remember what Arizona used to be Called Before it was Called Arizona?

Was it...hmmmmm.....Oh wait, I know! It was called MEXICO. I cannot for the life of me figure out what these xenophobic red neck assholes think gives them the right to tell Mexicans they can't come back into their historic land and clean their toilets. Please tell us, Monsignor Patriot, if your skin is currently the color of burnt siena, your hair is long, black and shiny, is your name Flies with Eagles, are you currently whiskey drunk, and do you wear dream catcher earrings your grandmother fashioned from coyote teeth and spider webs? If the answer is no to all these questions then guess what? Your ancestors arrived here the same fucking way these people are now arriving: Packed like sardines into some unpleasant means of transport across dangerous natural features to work long hours at menial jobs and be ridiculed and despised by dumb shits like you. They wanted a few days a year to honor their local traditions and festivals and be left the fuck alone so they could get black-out drunk and fuck like rabbits. And that is all these Mexicans want, so take your These Colors Don't Run flags back to your house and blow your miserable fucking head off...no one will miss you.

These fucktards never want to consider for one second, or they are too stupid to wrap their meager brains around the concept of trying, how it is they are living in the desert southwest and how that area came to currently be known as the U.S.A. I'm not going to delve into the full shadowy history of how this came to be, but lets just say the most benign word I can think of is "Squatting". More accurate terms would be Aggression, Rape, Pillage, Theft and Murder. It was the equivalent of you sending your alcoholic brother-in-law into a restaurant you coveted every day until eventually someone got so offended by his bawdy behavior that they kicked his ass and threw him out. Only then you went back into the restaurant and beat and murdered everyone and then crossed out the name of the proprietor on the deed and signed yours next to it. And when one of the people you beat up and threw out of the restaurant comes back in 20 years and tries to mop the jiz off your bathroom floor, you tell him, "Fuck you Beaner, this here's Mare-eh-kuh!". And why are you trying to live in a desert anyway? I'm sick of spending money to get shit from places that can sustain growth of shit to you so that you can hang out and be not-so-bright in a place that can't sustain the growth of shit.

While you're at it Arizona, pass legislation that requires yourselves and your wanna-be Valley Kids to go work as fry cooks, janitors, landscapers and roofers. You sure as shit aren't going to do those jobs of your own volition.

Is the WNBA Fucking Serious with these Playoff Commercials?

Slo-mo art house black-and-white shit meant to incite fervor amongst the fan base and exaggerate the excitement of the sport.....oh wait, this would imply there is a fan base. I 100% think women should be entitled to careers in sports just like men. However when that sports league is losing money hand-over-fist every year of its existence someone should pull the plug. Same goes for men's sports. If truth in advertising means anything to anyone, then lets make these commercials a little more realistic. Show us locker room scenes of players engaging in a game of "Disappearing Knuckles" or footage of Lisa Leslie trying to find a pair of high heels in her size. Whatever it is, lets quit showing scenes from games where the camera angle hides the fact that there is no one in the arena past the first 8 rows.

Friday, September 10, 2010

If this Terry Jones Nutbag in Florida doesn't Burn the Quran Tomorrow, then he's a Fucking Pussy

What's done is done. You went out on the balcony of the nuthouse with your eyeglasses that have one lens missing and the other is a broken spiderweb of a lens, your foil helmet and embarrassing facial hair and announced to the world that you were going to burn the Quran. Not burning it will not take that back. You are crazier than a rat in a tin shithouse and are far more loathsome than those batshit religious fundamentalists you are trying to send a message to. And you know why? Because when they say they are going to do some shit, they do some shit. While I do agree with you that maybe the only way to fight crazy is with crazy, no one agrees with you that the best way to fight crazy is to talk crazy and then wuss out like a giant hatchet-wound of a vagina. The wingnuts which exist and claim Islam as their banner are already going to torch some American flags and probably torture some America soldiers based on your incoherent rambling. Now you are going to puss-out and only strengthen their resolve because they'll think we're all a bunch of blowhards who don't make good on their word. So you're already a total cunt that everyone globally despises. If you don't make good on your threat then you're also a colossal pussy.

And yes, I'm well aware this is just a huge publicity/marketing stunt to get people to buy his shitbagging books. I'm just jealous that I didn't think up this Quran burning bullshit first to try and get someone to actually read my insane ramblings.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Let's Spend a Shitload of Money to Retry Rod Blagojevich

Prosecution went above and beyond the call of duty to fail miserably on the first attempt. I see no reason to not give them a blank check to see if they can fail a second time, albeit differently. Why the fuck not? We've got piles of cash of burn in the state of Illinois. I say we set the crippling debt and massive budget shortfalls aside, along with the exploding gang violence and youth murders problem, and go balls out to fry this goofy fucker and his luxurious hair.

I've got an idea: Just let it go. Trust me, I'd like to see this guy in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison just for being the staggering asshat that he is, as much as the next guy. But if you let it go at this point, another type of justice is going to play out. It is well known that this cock-chugger owes money all over town, and, well, he's gotta, you know, feed the monkey, man. So call off the dogs. If you do, then he's out of the news. If he's out of the news, he isn't selling books and the Today Show isn't paying him money for interviews. He becomes an irrelevant douche bag that owes massive sums of money. He is a career politician that will never see another day in any office. He'll go bust and eventually someone will see him in an alley next to a 7/11 taking a $5er from a closet homosexual to allow him to suck his dick. The problem solves itself. Sure Fitzgerald never gets to say "I got 'em!", but in the end he kinda did.

Why does anyone want to clean up Illinois politics anyway? Everyone in the country knows Illinois is dirtier than a hooker's jiz rag on Nickel Night, and they all love it. Its fun, its hilarious, it provides entertainment. The Fates will sort this salad-tosser out in the end, lets spend our tax dollars on something more productive, like giant shiny beans in the park.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Notre Dame Versus Michigan Saturday!

GO AL QUEDA!!! I love watching this game each year in eager anticipation of watching a 747 careening into the 50 yard line at several hundred mph. I don't know of two groups of more obnoxious, sense of entitlement having, condescending ass hats in college sports. They make Dukies seem incredibly humble. There are many differences but in the end they both suck equally. At least Michigan fans have gotten the memo, read it, and are putting cover letters on their TPS Reports which read "Michigan Football Currently Irrelevant". If I were to take an Eastern European exchange student who knows nothing of college football and send him to a Notre Dame party and then ask him upon leaving "When did Notre Dame last win the championship?" he would say "It must have been last year, now can we go to disco?" Domers are convinced that denial is exclusively a river in Egypt. They live under the illusion that Notre Dame's mystique somehow still matters to the types of athlete that wins championships. It is a sad, sad illusion. Big corn-fed white catholic mules ruled college football for many years, but their reign ended several decades ago. These days you need Kodiak bears which are not only huge, but can run 35mph in short bursts. And those bears want to eat fried fish on Fridays because fried fish is fucking delicious, and not because they have to. Domers can keep on ignoring modernity just like they ignored legions of pedophiles with their greasy hands inside the robes of altar boys, and drink like hell when they start adding more Hawai'i Bowl trophies to the case. Michigan fans on the other hand understand reality, but it doesn't stop them from being first-rate wine-and-cheese tailgate party assholes none-the-less. They can take their Princeton Review approved degrees, untuck their sweatshirts from their dork jeans, and cram them right up their smug asses. Although they are cognisant of where they currently stand this does not prevent them from watching a win at home against historical powerhouse UCONN in the first game of the season and yelling to any and all, "Michigan is back!". R-Rod is a good coach. A pure scumbag as well, but show me a relevant program without a scumbag coach. Anyway, he recruits undersized speed demons and nothing else. This strategy can work with a spread offense in the Big East, the WAC, maybe even on occasion in the Pac-10. You can surprise some teams with this but what you cannot do is run the table in the conference if you are in the Big-10, the Big-12 or the SEC. The Kodiak bears will eventually tear you limb from limb.

Big Ben Rothlisberger's Suspension Reduced from 6 to 3 Games

Rape away my friends, rape away! The message is very clear: If you are a big stupid gorilla and you play "No means Yes" with a young girl who is currently blowing a 0.32 in a bathroom while you are wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Satan emblazoned on the front, AND you are smart enough to pay her $10 million to stay out of court, your punishment is that you aren't allowed to work for 3 days. If that is the downside to raping, then tell me what's the point of using your fame and fortune to have consensual sex?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I Dominated my Fantasy Draft

Here's a recap of what I picked (you are all straight fucked):

Black Wizard
Sword of Saranon
Power Crystals
Forest Elves
Sea of Woe
Hills of Theodora
7 Trolls
Intimidating Shout
Samnai the Swordsman

As you can see this fantasy season is mine. First game of the year and you've got Peyton Manning? Yawn. I have Black Wizard in that game, and he has death-touch ability. Lets see how many passes Peyton completes after Black Wizard walks up and touches him on the neck and he crumples into a little dead ball on the field. Who gives a shit that you have the Jets defense. Sword of Saranon penetrates that like black NFL players penetrate Kim Kardashian. Think you're awesome because you drafted Chris Johnson? Lets see how many yards he runs for with a pack of Forest Elves chasing his ass. Those fuckers can run a 3.1 40yd. Just trust me, I'm unbeatable. Week 7 versus the Saints and you've got Drew Brees......Lets see him try and throw passes over the Hills of Theodora. Week 4 against Tom Brady you say? I'm not sure how his offense is going to hear him calling audibles when I'm hitting Intimidating Shout and their ears are bleeding. I don't even care if Samnai the Swordsman tears his ACL because I've also got Power Crystals and they can heal torn ACLs in like 30 seconds.

You guys may as well go do something gay like join a flag football league or play outside with your kids this fall, because obviously fake life fantasy world league is over before it even begins.