Seriously, can everyone over there rip a hookah and chill the fuck out. Some dictator-like dude, Mubarak, runs your country and treats you like shit. Big fucking deal. You want democracy, and you want the United States to intervene and make it happen for you, because the United States is the global champion of peoples fighting for democracy. Well guess what? If you believe that, then I have a bag full of rabbit turds, I mean magic beans, that I'd like to sell to you at a once-in-a-lifetime price. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Actually it shouldn't be a secret to anyone because the U.S. policy makers are so friggin' obvious with their actions, regardless of their bullshit rhetoric, that no one should be in doubt anymore: The U.S. does not give one half of one shit what type of government you have, so long as you do exactly what the fuck we tell you to do. And this is the heart of the problem with your little quagmire in northeast Africa. Sure Mubarak is a dickhole of the highest order. Sure he treats you like shit and wipes his ass with human rights. Sure you're making $400 a month even though you hold two doctorates. Go cry us a river Muhammad bin Muhammad. When the U.S. says "Jump!", Mubarak bends over and says "Just stick it in my ass". At the end of the day, that is all we care about. After 5 p.m. he can go home, take whiskey straight to the face, remove his belt and beat the shit out of his people all goddamn night. The U.S. Embassy Cairo will just pretend the noise we hear is a really loud movie being watched in the next apartment, not violent domestic abuse. If you don't believe me, just ask Mr. Joe Blow Iraqi. Back in the early 80's, we could not sip enough champagne, snort enough blow, or bang enough Kazak whores with Saddam Hussein. Just look at the photo above of Donald Rumsfeld kicking it with Sadizzle at his HQ back in 1983. At that time everyone in America (including me, and I was about 5 years old) knew that Saddam was using weapons of mass destruction (WMD) on not only the Iranians he was at war with, but also on his own people. We didn't give one fuck. Why not? Because we hated Iran. We got huge boners every time he indiscriminately launched a warhead into Iran filled with mustard gas. We whacked off furiously if it hit a crowd of women and children. And why wouldn't we??? One dude in that country decided to kidnap a few of our citizens. So guess what, fuck 'em all. He could dine on raw skewered virgins every night for all we cared, so long as he did our bidding. But Saddam fucked up.....he quit following orders. And you know what happened? The U.S. blew into Iraq, and they brought hell with them. Daisy Cutters. Have Nap bombs. Cluster bombs. Juiced up marines with flame throwers. All that shit, bitch. And why? Because we said he was considering making some weapons of mass destruction. No mention of all the WMDs he already used cooking your parents, aunts & uncles. He was still in line back then. But not now. And you might think, Egypt, that the U.S. wouldn't unleash a shit storm of weapons of mass destruction on a populace who can barely defend themselves, all to teach them not to use WMDs. Well guess what, you'd be a dead-assed wrong turkey. Just ask a retard sitting on death row right now in Texas. So I implore you Egypt, lest one day you huddle in your concrete basement as F-15s rain down the fury upon you and your family, to understand what the U.S. is all about. We're all about democracy, if the non-democratic government in charge of your country doesn't do exactly what we tell them to do, and thank us for it. If it isn't convenient for us, then, eh......best wishes. Although it might not even be best wishes. If we like your leader, ummm dictator, enough, then we might just help put your little insurrection to bed, with much prejudice. Wait what? You think we don't have the moral ground to do something like that? Hah! What if your entire little pro-democracy panty raid was actually a front for a hostile take-over attempt by the sinister Muslim Brotherhood? That's preposterous you say? As soon as that little unsubstantiated rumor is leaked to CNN, Fox News and MSNBC, well then it becomes fact.
I know this is a bit of a shock. But seriously, calm down and go about your business like none of this happened. You seem like nice folks and I wouldn't want to see your grandmas on BBC wailing over your body lying underneath a pile of rubble. I really wouldn't. So let's do this. We'll send over a massive stereo system that you can put up around the pyramids. Pump some "Walk Like an Egyptian", loud as fuck. Everyone will start doing that 90-degree wrist bend dance, front and back, and everything's cool. It's a lot better than listening to our politicians pretend like they care about you.
nicely put
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