Eddie Bauer can Eat a Bowl of Shit

I got a perfectly serviceable pair of gloves from my grandma for Christmas. However, I have small hands. Like carnival folk, only my hands don't also smell like crystal meth and 13 year old girls' panties. No big deal, I'll just return them. Well they're all out in Columbus, Ohio. Okay, fuck you, I'll return them at the big megastore on Michigan Ave in Chicago. Only problem being the Chicago store is also sold out, and further they are sold out globally. No big deal. I'll just find a similar pair in my size and be done with it. Well fuck me, because all the other gloves are queer as all fuck. But Johnny sales asshole at Eddie Bauer has a better idea. "We have a much better pair over huhyar.....looksee at these fuckers!" Yep, the Bauer/Whittaker Mountaineering Series First Ascent gloves. All sorts of yellow leather, black space-age material, and scientifically proven pussy-getting features. They even have a goddamned honest-to-god panel on the thumb specifically for wiping snot off your honker. But I'm not quite sold. He did make a good point by telling me that the perfectly good gloves my grandma bought me have a price tag of $30, which when you subtract from the $125 the First Ascents cost, plus Chicago sales tax of course (nearly 11%), that means I'm only paying $108 out-of-pocket to return my Christmas gift. Just in case the promise of being able to beat off on the North Pole with toasty warm hands wasn't enough to sell me, he makes his closing argument: "They used these gloves in the IMAX film where they climbed Mt. Everest". Sir, you had me at "They". Sold. Well guess what? When they got to the top of Mt. Everest they must have had to chop all 10 of their fucking frost-bitten fingers right off their goddamned frozen hands. These things couldn't be more fucking worthless. Your fingers are frozen stiff after 5 minutes in sub-25 degree weather. In fact I was in Vail skiing and lost a pair of different gloves. So pissed off I bought a pair of shitty off-brand gloves from the bargain bin to get me through the trip. Those gloves are like sticking your gasoline-glazed hands into a fucking roaring fire compared to these taint-licking Eddie Bauer gloves. I actually wear the First Ascents to the park when it is wet or muddy to play with my dog, because I don't want to ruin the El Genero brand gloves. Fucking Eddie Bauer. Saw me walking in like a big white whale, ready to bend over and take whatever he gave me. Never saw it coming. If anyone is planning to climb Everest soon let me know and I'll let you borrow them. They'll chopper your ass out of base camp for frost bite before you even start up the mountain.