HOLY SHIT! My "How Can I Meaningfully Support Our Troops" Conundrum Has Been Solved!!!

All this time the answer was right in front of my fucking nose and I didn't even see it: Put a yellow ribbon sticker on the back of my SUV!!! It was that goddamned easy. Who cares if the troops are in harm's way in order to steal the very oil that my gas-guzzling SUV so desperately needs. Slapping the yellow ribbon on the back totally negates all harm and in fact supports those troops. If you put 2+ stickers on the back, well you have basically flown to Iraq, grabbed a gun and single-handedly obliterated a swarm of "insurgents" that had one of our platoons caught in a hopeless crossfire. This can't be any easier: Yellow Ribbon Sticker + Your Car = Happy, Smiling, Living Troops. The proof is right on the sticker: "Support our Troops". I can't even believe all of the meaningless, valueless strategies I've employed recently to support the troops, all a complete and utter waste. First of all I only voted for candidates I thought were going to actually remove the troops from harm's way (I know, joke's on me. But the theory seemed to make sense.). I'm such a dumbfuck. Secondly, I make an effort to only drive my car when completely necessary-such as occasions when I have to retrieve large quantities of groceries-in order to limit the amount of gas I consume. Just a class 1AA dipshit. My teeth hurt when I think of how much time I've wasted on that useless bullshit. I could have been 1 million times more effective by simply going to my local WalMart, buying 2 yellow ribbon stickers, sticking those sons of bitches prominently to the back of my SUV, and driving like a complete fucking asshole. Once you've got the yellow ribbons on the back of your car, you have to drive everywhere. If you continue to walk or ride your bike, then no one will know that you are supporting the troops, thus nullifying the vital ribbon support. So keep filling that pig up with gas and drive everywhere so you can maximize your support of the troops. If you leave the car with the yellow ribbon stickers parked at home, then you don't use the very gas which keeps the troops at war, and you don't support shit. In fact, if you aren't going to drive the car with the ribbon support, then you may as well catch a flight to Baghdad and stuff C-4 and rusty nails up the ass of dead dogs and detonate them as troop convoys pass, because that is exactly what you are doing by not flaunting your yellow ribbons. So in summary the only real patriots out there are those that vote for war-mongers, drive everywhere, and have yellow ribbon stickers on the back of their cars. They are voting for the continuance of war with their dollars and at the ballot, all the while supporting the shit out of the troops. The rest of you can change your fucking name to Mohammad and go blow up a school bus full of attractive children.

I just can't believe how duped I was. Why waste so much time and money on sending fresh socks, food stuffs, letters of encouragement, porn mags, alcohol, or tobacco to the troops? Why vote for douchebags committed to ending conflict? Just buy a goddamned ribbon already, would ya. Oh, and pray. Praying produces huge results as well.