My Favorite Time to Field Difficult Questions at Work is when I First Walk in, Before Sitting Down or Even Turning my Computer Monitors on

I leave the elevator and walk briskly to my desk every morning, carrying hot liquid and my personal effects, hoping beyond hope that someone will start firing away questions about a dicey issue before I have a chance to even sit down. It literally makes my fucking day.

"What should we be telling clients in regards to the overnight system error we experienced? Is there a resolution yet?"

"Hmmmm, based on the door man at our building asking me 2 minutes ago how I'm swinging my clubs this summer, even though this is 27th time I've told him I don't golf and positively despise the game, I'm going to say that I don't have a single solitary fucking clue what system error you're speaking of, and I sure as fucking shit don't have any idea when the glitch I was completely unaware of will be fixed. I do have a couple of very abstract ideas for people you could ask. Now try and keep an open mind because this is going to require a non-linear, exploratory mind-set to think through this:

1. Any number of people who arrived today prior to me. There are plenty of them. You know that, because you are one of them. They have been addressing the same issues as you. It has been this way for some time, possibly years.

2. Our European office. They've been here for 5 hours prior to your arrival, minimum. They've primarily been addressing this issue because it began on their watch. They've been there since the inception of the organization. You're fully aware of this.

3. Our manager. I know this is a stretch, but since this person is in charge of managing these problems, maybe that person is a good resource.

4. The Polish lady that works for building services. At least she was here cleaning overnight, which makes her more current on the situation than I am."

But please, hover over my desk while I set the coffee down. Then my bag. Then stare impatiently while I turn on my monitors and go through the process of logging into all the systems. Look increasingly more nervous about the person you've got on hold as I research the same memos and notices you were sent. I thrive on this shit so you're actually doing me a favor.