I have Searched High, and I have Searched Low, for Evidence of the Existence of God. I Finally Found it Tuesday on the Side of a Highway in Iowa.

I was driving in Iowa, approximately 30 miles east of Des Moines. The central part of the state is currently suffering some of the worst flooding in their history. Both sides of the highway, as far as the eye could see, was a giant lake where before there was no lake. It seemed all was a loss. And then on the horizon mine eyes beheld a shimmering beacon of dryness. An oasis or island of land and a building stood on that island. It seemed that one sacred place had been saved from the ravages of flood. As I drew nearer I beheld what I always knew in my own heart to be true......God loves porn. Yes, the business that was saved when all others in the area had been destroyed, was the Lion's Den Adult Superstore. The zealots and the chaste have no more argument when their church and their school are destroyed, yet God chose to save the smut. The giver of life hath spaketh, my children, and the message is clear: Go forth and masturbate furiously without danger of having to use your own imagination.

Now I am still puzzled as to why God chooses to "save" people or things from the disasters he himself creates. Like instead of saving the Lion's Den from the flood and trashing everything else around it, why not just skip the flood altogether? Why this duality of being where you need to create situations of great misery, suffering and death so that you can then rescue one soul from the abyss and then hail yourself as a savior? I guess I never jump on the bandwagon of hailing God for saving the one German boy on the crashed flight, because I am too caught up in wondering why he crashed the fucking plane in the first place, thus necessitating the rescue of the one kid. Kind of a dick move if you ask me. I guess I'm just not that bright, because the whole "infinite wisdom" thing I cannot grasp for the life of me. If you can cradle the child in twisted steel and keep him from harm (which is a pretty fucking cool trick if you ask me), then certainly you can prevent seagulls from flying into the engine, right? It would be like Michael Jordan being able to dunk from the free-throw line, but not being able to throw a bounce-pass. Anyhoo, they're running 50% off deal on once-used dildos at the Lion's Den, so make your way to Iowa post-haste. And if you encounter standing water on the road on the way there, don't try to drive through it.