BREAKING NEWS: We Got Bin Laden!!!

Oh wait, no we didn't. My bad. He is still kicking it in a cave in Peshwar, balls-deep in virgins, washing down fresh opium with some tea you've never even heard of. There is a silver lining to this cloud however, which is:

Since Bin Laden and his associates took full responsibility for the master-minding and financial support of the 9/11 World Trade Center attacks, the United States has.....

-Had a full meltdown of our stock market

-Obliterated parts of Afghanistan, which were already fucked to begin with

-Made up an utterly and completely horseshit story about Iraq. We used to party with Iraq, but they quit following orders and someone needed to pay for thinking independently

-Used the horseshit story to launch a multi-billion dollar terrorist attack of our own against a country that had nothing to do with 9/11, killing scores of their completely innocent non-combatant civilians

-Tested out some pretty neat weapons of mass destruction on the innocent civilians of the country we were punishing for supposedly having weapons of mass destruction

-Showed that Colin Powell was one of the only people in the American government with a shred of honor

-Killed a bunch of fucking people NOT named Osama bin Laden

-Had the effects of trying to support two separate occupying forces ultimately lead to our economy collapsing

-Even though he was one of the only people with big enough balls to call bullshit on the wars in the first place, we blamed the black guy for the wars and bailing out the banks that were already bailed out before he ever set foot in the White House

-Turned Iraq from a country where a terrorist would be summarily executed if he stopped to take a piss in the desert there; to a country that is now the MTV Spring Break Cancun of international terrorism

-Spent combined more than 1 trillion dollars to completely re-fuck two countries that were already well-fucked to begin with

So obviously we fell into a pile of shit and came out smelling like roses. The really awesome part is that I guarangoddamntee you that if 2 days after 9/11 the U.S. had sent 2 dozen of our best special forces Navy Seal kill-you-twice-before-you-know-you're-dead badasses to Afghanistan with a blank check to sign over to some local Afghan poppy-field baron warlords, Osama would have been all kinds of dead a fortnight later. I bet it wouldn't have exceeded 250 million bucks, tops. But no, we'd prefer to handle it the Texas way and spend all sorts of money to still fail. So here's to you Osama bin Fuckface, you orchestrated one of the most successful attacks in the history of earth from a fuckin' cave on the other side of the planet. Colonel Kurtz could have used a man like you in 'Nam.