If My 3 Month Old Daugther Doesn't Start Sleeping Through the Night Really Soon, She'd Best Be VERY WARY of any Family "Vacations" to Florida

Because guess what sweetie, you can kill the fuck out of your babies in Florida, and don't nobody care. As of now she isn't sleeping so long at night. And if I decide my lack of rest is really cramping my party style, I might be planning a trip to "Disney World". Only on this particular vacation, Disney World is a no-tell motel operating on cash only basis in a little-known corner of the Everglades, next to a very dark and remote swamp frequented by big assed chompin' gators. So you might want to start rethinking waking up twice every night. Just saying. Daddy will be out sweatily dry-humping Casey Anthony on a dance floor, laughing our asses off at the Florida judicial system.

Seriously dude, Not Guilty? OJ Simpson is tipping a 40oz to these defense attorneys as we speak. And by "tipping a 40oz", I mean "being forcibly sodomized by Latin Kings". Just tell me why the "accidentally drowned" corpse was duct taped on the mouth? Because that is what you do when someone you really care about dies accidentally. You put duct tape over the mouth of the corpse, then hide it somewhere. I understand if you are sick and tired of the kid fucking crying all the time. But in case you were asleep during the frog dissection lab in high school biology, let me clue you in on one very important fact: Corpses can't fucking talk. So you wasted a strip of perfectly good duct tape there. But hey, what the fuck do you want? You get 12 people together, all of whom aren't cerebral enough to figure out how to get out of jury duty, and all bets are off.

If/When Casey is sprung from jail, I would not want to be a penis anywhere in a 5 mile radius of that batshit broad. She is going to go on a drunken skenk streak that would make Lindsay Lohan blush. Mark my words.

Is there any Integrity Left in Journalism?

Is there any point whatever in monitoring mainstream media? Is it a total joke? A complete and utter lost cause? Is there a shining beacon of truth and transparency in this murky quagmire of liars and corporate ball-washers? I may have seen the straw that broke my own camel's back on Friday night. I was watching Dateline NBC, with Anne Curry and gang "reporting" on the Kaylee/Casey Anthony white trash carnival. To quickly review the circumstances for those not up on this most important of international news:

-Casey Anthony gets knocked up young, by parties unknown

-Brings innocent child into world of her own white trash insanity

-After realizing she could not wantonly get wasted and chug cock with small child at home....

-She duct tapes the 2 year old's mouth shut, kills her, either chops up or tapes into a ball (honestly wasn't paying close attention to this detail)

-In fit of brilliance, buries the body in a very shallow grave right by her home

-Fakes a disappearing child story

-During which time she goes on a Girls Gone Wild esque rampage of getting bombed out of her fucking tree and letting dudes run a train on her

-Someone finds her car somewhere, reeking of decaying human

-Casey is still MIA, most likely playing pin cushion for local drug dealers

-They find the dead kid's remains

-They arrest Casey Anthony

-She's seen laughing like a deranged hyena in jail

-Casey's lawyer is throwing out the 'ol "The kid accidentally drowned in the pool and everyone was too innocent of any crime to call 911 and tell them the kid accidentally drowned, so instead we duct taped her mouth shut post mortem and buried the body in a shallow grave in the woods next to the house" defense

So now this is a full-on white trash extravaganza like only the state of Florida (America's wang) can produce. Fist fights between trailer park residents clamoring to get into the courthouse, sign waving, Kaylee Anthony oversized buttons on tank tops, the works. But this isn't what I'm furious about. I'm upset about the fact that no one in the mainstream media these days has even a shred of integrity, dignity, or professionalism. In a most irresponsible manner, Dateline NBC reported that during the time Casey was reporting Kaylee as missing, she was seen at a local bar/club competing as a contestant in a "Hot Body" contest. They have numerous photos of Casey scantily clad and grinding her crotch and tits all over some other scantily clad trollops on some sort of impromptu stage, huge drug and alcohol fueled smiles all over her face. She had that "I just savagely murdered my only pain-in-the-goddamn-ass child so I could finally be free to blow lines, shake my ass in public for strangers, and fuck the first guy that buys me an appletini" look plastered all over her. Apparently Dateline NBC was trying to imply/convey some sort of moral outrage the public should feel that this mother was pulling a low-rent Lindsay Lohan while her child was supposedly missing. But then, in most puzzling and unprofessional manner, they just moved on. Started discussing other aspects of the case. Speculated on cause of death. Showed expert witness testimony. Footage of Casey crying in court. Etc, etc. Can you believe this??? Sort of skipped a pretty serious and pertinent detail here Dateline. WHO FUCKING WON THE HOT BODY CONTEST?!?!?! It certainly didn't win itself. Those harlots were out there making sweaty aggressive love to that stage, and you don't even so much as do them the service of reporting who won? "A Super Bowl occurred this year between Green Bay and Pittsburgh. Now moving on to other news....". Give me a break Dateline! Did you think you were just going to throw that grapefruit by me for strike 3? No such luck assholes. I was fully invested in that entire show Friday night, as were millions of others, and you bend us collectively over and cram it in our asses. For shame. William Randolph Hearst is rolling in his grave. You are blackballed from the Pulitzer competition for life. I'm so disillusioned that I don't even know what to believe in anymore. I mean, I see these photos of Casey on stage looking rather bangin', am told it is a hot body contest......and that's it. I want answers! I want an investigation launched! I want heads at NBC to fucking roll! This will not stand, man. Congressional inquiries, Zapruder film, angry townspeople in front of Dateline studios with pitchforks, torches and Anne Curry effigies. Casey Anthony is certain to be crispy-fried by the state of Florida. But before she becomes human Kentucky Fried Chicken, the world deserves to know if she was Ms. Ray's Rum Shack Hot Body September 17 2008, or fucking not. And if not, then who was? If I have to come down there and report the fucking news for them, I will. But I shouldn't have to. How about doing your friggin' jobs for once and bring us the fair, balanced and accurate news we deserve. What is this, China? I know it will be soon, but until that time let's at least pretend we're still a free, capitalist country.

Tonight We Gonna Rapture Like Its 1999!!!

Tomorrow night, 18:00 EST (and you have to love not only that the bible can predict the rapture's exact date, but it is time-zone specific as well, centered on a time zone that at the time of bible writing, no one in Europe or the Middle East even knew fucking existed!), I am on my way to Heaven for the rest of eternity. All of you Jews, Native Americans, Atheists, Hippies, Catholics, Gays, Cats, Dogs, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, non-evangelical do-gooders, Democrats, Progressives, Mexicans, Blacks, Puerto Ricans, and especially you goddamned Muslims, can collectively kiss my hairy fucking beanbag. I'm off to Heaven like a fat girl to Shoney's. And tonight we doin' it, and we doin' it big! We are going to nail so much evangelical box shut that we're gonna have to join the gravedigger's guild. I'm talking crazy Jonas Brother's ass. I'm a bit new to this party game, given I've spent most of my life in either my parent's basement or at the Moody Bible Church, but I've got every detail taken care of. I've got every horse carriage in Chicago rented out for transportation. We're starting out with reso's at Pizzeria Mutherfucking Uno! Sorry, but Cheesecake factory was too full. Apparently a tour bus full of senior citizens from Iowa have 80% of the joint taken already. Fuck 'em, we've got 2 pitchers of Bud Light draft beer for each table of 12 people, two extra large meat lover's, and bottomless glasses of Pepsi. After we're done closing Pizzeria Uno down (actually we can't close it down, the North Chicago Youth Soccer League champions have reserved after us, so we need to be cleared out by 7:30), we're off to Joe's on Weed Street. I've heard this is where hardcore Chicagoans go when they want to get down. I've got an entire corner blocked off with balloons, crosses, Jesus Christ blow up dolls, boat loads of party hats, about a thousand cupcakes, and of course novelty bibles. And don't worry, we also have an all-you-can-drink Bud Light deal as well. Unless of course you are a sinful alcoholic and can drink more than 2 Bud Lights, because that is the limit per person. I'm sure as our party gains steam, other people in the bar will be begging to jump over the construction paper streamers which Shelly so Christfully made to block off our corner. So long as they have their own 2-per-person Bud Light deal in place as well, it is alllllll goooood. And just in case they've got this thing pegged one day late, everyone better wear purple Nikes and a track suit, just to be safe. You're all on your own for the after-party. I need to get home and log into my World of Warcraft game. I have not been able to determine if post-Rapture Heaven will have internet access, and if they do, if it will be dial-up or high speed.

Bad boys, bad boys...what'cha gonna do? What'cha gonna do when the Rapture comes for you?

P.S. SPEC is going to be there, with fucking bells on.

Save the Date: May 21st, 2011

Its a RAPTURE mutherfuckers!!! Jesus and God and the Apostles and Baby Jesus and Mary and Peter and Mother Theresa and Michael Jackson and all those hard-chargin' sons of bitches swooping down out of Heaven like a fucking shitstorm, zapping the fuck out of the sinners and non-believers and Muslims and murderers and blacks and Mexicans and Lindsay Lohan and everyone else that is getting their shit fucked 7 kinds of up in the Armageddon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hoooyahhhh!!!! In case you are some kind of goddamned idiot and weren't aware, this May 21st is the Martha Fockering Rapture. It is Biblically proven (which is about 10,000 times more serious than scientifically proven) that Jesus will come again on 5/21/11 and lay waste to the Jews, Buddhists, Catholics, immigrants, secular humanists, animals, people who believe in dinosaurs and all the other total fucktard assholes who think that the Earth is older than 6,000 years. I am going to bathe in the tears of new mothers whose children have yet to be baptized on 5/21/11. I am going to piss upon the faces of Jewish people who run soup kitchens and Catholics who volunteer at the Big Brothers, Big Sisters centers, as the warriors of Heaven skewer them with white-hot spears. I will inhale the smoke of smoldering children who have no souls because they are 2 weeks old and have not been baptized unto the One True God, the One I believe in who is obviously the only fucking One and all others are poseur pieces of shit who will sit idly by with their dicks in their collective hands as Team Jesus liquefies the bodies of their misguided followers. I am going to place jugs of wine and loaves of bread on my roof for Jesus when he comes on Rapture Eve. I will leave hay and water for his flying camels. I will have cognac and skunk weed for Jesus and Mary Magdalene so better to help them get their freak on in the guest room of my house, on the futon. I will be laughing my fucking balls off at all the Athiests as I ride the Evangelical Express straight up to Heaven and they sit there on Earth with that "Oh shit, the creepy assed Jesus-lickers were right" look plastered all over their Chevy Chases. "The world is not going to suddenly end on May 21st 2011 based on a few wing-nuts indecipherable interpretation of a collection of fiction writings 2,000 years ago." HAH! Fucking laughable mein! Have fun hanging out here on Earth, the piece of shit place you've lived your whole existence, while me and all the other borderline state-issued retards and ugly, social misfit creepoids that make your stomach turn every time you pass us on the street are going to be together partying our fucking tits off. Eat your hearts out morons!

Could Everyone Quit Fucking "Checking In" Already

The Internet giveth, and the Internet taketh away. We as humans cannot blame the Creator for the sharks or the influenza or the cockroaches or The View or any of the Kardashians. We can only praise him for the good things in the world. He is not to be held responsible for anything negative which exists in the universe he/she/it(we can't rule out that a creator who created RuPaul is a Boston-Batwanger itself) created. In much the same way we cannot hold Al Gore responsible for any negative spectres which have materialized in the Internet world he created. Al Gore is to be praised only for YouTube groin injury videos, pornography, anonymous character attacks and The Star Wars Kid. Al Gore is not responsible for Perez Hilton, Trojan Horse viruses, Graigslist rapes, and he sure as goddamned shit isn't responsible for this insidious "Checking In" suckfest on Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg is responsible for that atrocity, and may he be damned all the way to hell and back for it. No one cares what new fair-trade coffee shop/Hello Kitty vintage schwag store in Brooklyn you and your iPad-toting hipster douchebag friends just walked into. No one is impressed that you checked into the just opened Rockit Ranch bar du jour in Chicago, when in reality you are standing outside freezing your dick off with your brahs behind a velvet rope with visions of cherry bombs dancing in your head. Rather than sit here and bitch while offering no resolutions per usual, here are some ideas I have for check in destinations that someone might actually care about:
-John Doe checking in @ some pussy
-Mike Hunt checking in @ blacked out drunk
-Hung Low checking in @ my coke dealer's car
-Jane Hoe checking in @ office bathroom, 3rd stall, masturbating vigorously
-Seymour Butts checking in @ Ray's Big 'Ol Titties and Chicken Wing Shack
-Joe Blow checking in @ Lindsay Lohan's box
-Anthony Cooker checking in @ alley behind liquor store, stabbing vagrant to death to see if they bleed real blood
-Ima Tweeker checking in @ Red Roof Inn, shooting meth under toenails
-Michael Jackson checking in @ little boy's booty
-Paul Cook checking in @ strangling hooker
-Missy Urcock checking in @ methadone clinic
-Ron Awesomeheir checking in @ fucking your sister. no seriously, fucking your sister, hard
-Oprah Winfrey checking in @ in the closet
-Sandra Lovesdik checking in @ welfare office
These are some places we might actually want to show up and watch what you are doing. But so long as you are "checking in @ Golden Gate Bridge", go ahead and disable this feature in Facebook. Unless of course you are jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Then by all means, let us know.