Dr. Ji Yan Yhi PHD, of the University of Shanghai, published his findings this week after 2 years of exhaustive research and running advanced algorithmic calculations through his computer program. The findings were published in an obscure mathematical journal, however once astute readers realized how many ass-kickings could be averted globally the equation quickly made its way to news outlets across the globe.
Dr. Yhi thought he was prepared to release what he considered a viable equation last Spring. However, while plugging tester variables his teacher's assistants postulated into some regression analysis models to disprove them, he was shocked to find the following: There is undeniable evidence (99.9% statistical probability) that certain "accelerator variables" exist which can significantly alter the output of ass-kicking from a dude wearing the Affliction shirt. To simplify and save space, for the duration of this article ASW (Affliction Shirt Wearer) will be used to refer to the person who is about to kick your fucking ass.
The variables discovered in the past year of research which are now fixtures in Dr. Yhi's algorithm include the following:
a: where a = how much the ASW bench-presses
b: where b = number of fucking Jager-Bombs ASW has consumed that day
c: where c = number of dudes in ASW's entourage that can intervene should actual altercation ensue
c1: where c1 = number of shots consumed by c
k: where k = number of tattoos visible
x: where x = how overweight ASW is
y: where y = number of UFC fights ASW has watched on TV
z: where z = how many inches less than 6 ASW's penis is
Dr. Yhi was most surprised to discover that actual training in mixed martial arts is completely statistically insignificant.
To say that Dr. Yhi's findings will reduce the level of pub and street violence globally is to make a vast understatement. Dr. Yhi's name is already being circulated as the front-runner to win the Nobel Prize in Applied Mathematics for 2010. The algorithm is as follows:
a + b ((k - x)2) / y * z ((c1 - c)(b + x)) - x/k + zy2 = What the fuck are you lookin' at, Mutherfucker?!?!
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