I Seriously Fucked Up by Not Becoming a Hot Tween Vampire or Werewolf

Those fuckers are knee-deep in hot 15 year old ass right now. Monumental mistake on my part opting for college and a desk job. A much smarter route would have been working out 24/7, removing all my body hair, biting mutherfuckers on the neck and crushing jail-bait tail. Another in a long fucking series of shittily-planned, poorly timed attempts at a gnarley life for me. Edward and that other fucker are at some awesome Sweet-16 pool party in Laguna right now, forcing each other to "Sniff my fingers dude" all the while lauging their ripped pecs off at my shit. Goddamnit.