Missing/Kidnapped/Abducted-to-join-one-man-religious-sex-cult white children are so fucking hot right now you could fry an egg on their blond hair. If you are under the age of 14, look like Casper, have a trendy name like Madison or Blake and go missing, you are going to be pop-pop-poppin! A champagne supernova of media adulation will light the skies for weeks and a swirling vortex will appear in cyberspace. Matt Lauer will have every white trash relative you've ever seen passed out beneath your 41 year old grandma's Thanksgiving Day dinner table on the Today Show showing off their intellect. The same relative that 96 hours ago threw the Hefty bag containing your remains into a shallow grave next to the Chattahoochee River is sobbing cheap vodka tears into a podium mic begging the fictitious captors to bring you home. White women aged 25-65 are going to speculate their tits off about your fate. Ride the lightning Emma, you're a fucking star!
Now if you go missing and you are a black kid, ummmm, not so much. If anyone finds you it is likely the result of pure dumb luck. Good Morning America will fly correspondents to Oregon to raise the alert on behalf of any honky, but their frequent flier miles exclude inner-city D.C. You'll be lucky if you get a black-and-white Xerox posted on the front door of the Check Exchange.
And worse yet, if little Emilio Conchita Maribella Rodriguez is stolen from his South Bronx apartment by El Chupacabra....lets just say don't make any plans for the "Where Are They Now" episode of Dateline in 10 years. If you think Meredith Vieira is showing up in your barrio to munch churros from a bicycle cart and interview your abuela, well, lo siento amigo. You'd better hope one of those wrestlers in a shiny unitard and mask shows up and gives your kidnappers a proper pile-driver.
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