Thursday, July 1, 2010

Swedish Scientists Prove American Men Who Love Golf and Say Soccer is Boring Also Masturbate to Anime Porn

Guys like this fucking suck, and now we have irrefutable, hard Norwegian science to back it up. I'm not here to argue whether or not soccer is boring or exciting, macho or pussy. I'm here to tell you why your fat nerdy ass sucks. The upper echelon of golf's elite is crushing it in life and only a fucktard would deny that. They roll bank, they land hot wives (as Phil Mickelson's man-tits prove beyond a reasonable doubt), they crush skenk-ass white pussy while their 9.9 wife raises their Norblasian kids back home. But athletes they most assuredly are not. They are the best of the best in a country club parlor game that happens to be played outdoors. Golf has mass appeal because literally any asshat with disposable income can play it, and play it well. No great athlete chooses golf. Great athletes play golf when they are too old to be great athletes anymore, but they don't choose it in high school. If Tiger Woods could throw a football and run a 4.32 40, he'd be denying knowledge of a shooting outside a strip club alongside Michael Vick this very night. If you are sporting a rager right now in anticipation of waking up Saturday morning, pulling a horizontal-striped polo over your disgusting fat-body gut, tucking it into some pleated khaki shorts and heading out to the links to argue with your boyz all day about who can get up-and-down in 2 AND you tell people how boring and gay soccer is...you're a Class 1AA Douche Bag. If you want to escape your miserable domestic responsibilities for a few hours each weekend, then rock the fuck on. But don't have the marbles to call a sport where blazing fast athletes with 0.002% body fat run a controlled sprint and kick something for 90 straight minutes boring. You love watching dudes walk slowly through a meadow following a small ball that they periodically hit with a stick while a Sherpa carries their shit for them and a comatose old white guy whispers about the majesty of it all, yet call soccer boring. Sure soccer players take dives and fake injuries which is pretty pansyfied, but at least they don't throw a hissy-fucking-fit every time someone in the crowd has the audacity to snap a picture or sneeze. You should absolutely continue to impress that cute intern in marketing with stories of how long you hit your drives and the quantity of beer you drink on the course, but don't malign soccer just because you were too fat and uncoordinated to play.

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