Chicago Festival Review: Seward Park Crack Fest 2011

This summer festival totally flew under the radar, but it was a smashing success.  What this festival lacked in turnout, concessions, music, kid's entertainment, officialdom, food or beverage, it totally made up for in solid attendance by myriad crackheads.  When I took Scout to the park on Sunday night to sniff at the ground and roll in goose shit, the party was still raging at 9:30.  As far as the eye could see crack heads were dancing by themselves in shadowy corners of the park, singing Michael Jackson diddies out of key, and giving the moon a stern talking-to.  The Jumbos that the Candyman was selling this weekend must have been the shiznit!  There was one couple in between the bushes, on the ground, trying to fight.  It sounded like some lost language had been unearthed; only these two beautiful souls understood it.  Given what I could decipher from contextual clues, it would seem the gentleman had spent the last of the treasure chest on something frivolous, like food, and the young lass was none-too-pleased about how this tangible foodstuff had directly reduced the supply of consumable crack rock.  Some swings were had, but land they did not.  Perhaps I misunderstood, and this was actually some avant-garde theater in the park production of Julius Caesar.  Either way the fight eventually moved into a better lit area where our star-crossed Romeo & Juliet of Freebase continued to fight disjointedly and with unnecessary bodily convulsions until the gentleman began an interpretive dance and quit paying attention to the increasingly agitated young lady.  Sensing that she'd lost her audience, she took her goddamned roller-suitcase and stormed into the middle of traffic in Division street.  As she walked down the center of the street shouting to no one, she left the festival with one last piece of eternal wisdom, "Mutherfucker done put in what they taked out!  Fuck you Sheryl, I telled them mutherfuckers anyway!".  Words which ring true now, and throughout perpetuity my friends.  The festival had been too much for one reveler, seen above having a siesta next to the Seward Park fountain.  And who amongst us has not consumed too much funnel cakes and crack and passed out next to a fountain on a hot summer's night?  Come one, come all to Seward Park Crack Fest 2012, it will not disappoint!