The Scout Chronicles: I Prefer to Shit on Grass

Or perhaps on some mulch.  Preferably fresh mulch with that heavy forest scent that I love.  I just like the way the dump sounds when it hits the earth.  I don't like the way my dump sounds when it lands on concrete.  A very unnatural "thwack" that is not pleasing to Scout's ears.  Besides, it is so much more civilized to shit in the lawn or the mulch.  It is more difficult for mom and dad to pick out of the grass or mulch than it is the sidewalk.  I like the feeling of making them work harder to be my bitch.  It makes Scout feel like a big man; a 150lb English Mastiff, or maybe a Greyhound.  Those dogs you see shitting on the concrete sidewalk, they are low-bred.  I would not sniff asses with such dogs because it would be beneath me.  Sure, if I've licked the bottom of too many of dad's empty scotch glasses, I might be seen doing the old in-out, in-out, with one of the peasant bitches, but that is just the dog in me.  I would not take such a bitch on a proper date to the park or the dumpster behind Dominick's.  I don't want to be seen in such society.  Sometimes this requires, in a tight spot, for the Scoutmeister to start tugging at the leash in a panicked manner until I find an elevated garden on the periphery of someone's property on which to shit.  But I'd rather be seen panic-pulling a leash than shitting on the sidewalk like a commoner.  Yes, you can accurately point out that given Scout's half Golden Retriever, half Poodle heritage, that I am technically a mutt.  But after this point is made, you could then suck a bag of dicks.  And you know why?  Because I'm hot.  And hot trumps racial purity any day of the week and twice on Sunday.  The Scoutmeister does not eat Bil Jac sausage treats like some moat-digger's hound.  Scout eats dried organic Farmer's Market sweet potato treats in the manor house, next to a roaring fire.  And you don't excrete this sort of upper echelon waste on a fucking sidewalk.  You do it on the grass.  Keep it really nice and civilized.