Movie Review: "Soul Surfer" Gets 4 1/2 Stars

Out of 100,000,000 stars.  The absolute worst movies get 1 star.  The best movies get 100,000,000 stars.  I give this movie 4 1/2 stars. I guess I'm not the target audience.  I'm not sure who is the target audience--maybe really, really, really fucking lame people.  What is amazing about this "film" is how quickly you end up rooting for the shark.  My biggest disappointment was that the shark never came back and killed everyone.  It was the only chance of saving the movie.  And please tell me, what in Sam Holy Hell is Dennis Quaid doing?  He is on heroin, right?  Dennis Quaid has to be feeding a silverback gorilla of a heroin addiction.  It is the only way to explain why he continues to agree to these powerfully shitty movies.  It can't be that he reads the script and says, "Sign me up!".  Dennis, we can get you the help you need.  But the first step is to recognize that you need help.  There was at least one winner in this movie--Helen Hunt's body.  Way to keep it together Helen.  Obviously your career is fucked if you are starring in this movie and you're serious about it.  But at least you've taken care of what you can control.  Kudos for that.  As far as the biggest loser in this movie--and it isn't Dennis Quaid because he can't control himself or this path of unwatchable Disneyesque movies he's starring in because he is a known commodity--is undoubtedly Carrie Underwood.  What a virtuoso performance!  Wait, does "virtuoso" mean "A performance so utterly horrifying that you grabbed a poker from your log fire and immediately smote your own eyes out and could never experience a Carrie Underwood generated boner again in your life"?  If so, then this was a virtuoso performance.  Please, for the love of credibility, can we all agree that Carrie is never in another movie so long as she lives.  Jenna Jameson could have given a far more believable effort.  You have to respect that her Christian Crusader gang she was in charge of maintained that the protagonist's arm being ripped off by a shark was "Part of God's plan".  I have never, and I will never understand this line of reasoning.  Why would God make something horrifically awful happen to you, in order for some other result down the road?  Is he that sadistic?  Is he the guy from "Saw"?  If I was trying to do some big things in my life, and hired a career coach, and he said "First step, we need to paint your arm with chum and have you stick it in this tank full of bull sharks.  After this, we'll change the world, I promise."  I would tell that guy to get fucked so fast you wouldn't even see it.  How can you fall for this shit?  "God needed me to have my spine severed in a freak muskie fishing accident so that I could then see my purpose in life, which is to teach disabled children how to fish."  Makes perfect fucking sense, roll with it brah.  But back to my point...Carrie Underwood, just focus on being cute and performing terrible music.  You couldn't act your way out of a Mary Kate and Ashley film.