Who in the Hell is still Wearing Jock Straps?

I was in the locker room at the gym yesterday and as I turned to go into the small area which housed my particular locker, I was shocked to see a near-naked, fat man clad in nothing other than a jock strap. As horrifying a sight as that was, it raised a very serious and thought-provoking question: Who in the mcmutherfuck still wears a jock strap? Didn't those go extinct around 1987 or so? I'll tell you who still wears a jock strap: Crazy assed summabitches, that's who. The last person I actually knew personally that wore a jock strap was my friend Bill from high school. 60 guys on the football team, he's the only one in a jock strap. He also led an Ohio Division I (That is the biggest division, in one of the biggest football states in the country) conference in tackles as a 5'9", 170lb middle linebacker. Now Bill sprints through kicked-in doors in the Peshawar region with special forces teams and screams at the Jihadists in their native tongue. And it doesn't matter what their native tongue is, because Bill speaks all of them. The point of this story-within-the-pointless-story is that Bill isn't what you'd call plain vanilla. And he is the last dude I knew on a personal level wearing a jock strap. They are small and uncomfortable. And as every man who has played sports knows, your chances of receiving a blinding pain nutsack injury increase exponentially when you are wearing a jock strap and a cup. The only person who should ever wear one are baseball catchers and hockey goalies. And maybe lacrosse goalies as well. Basically if your main function is to repeatedly stop a small, hard object launched at you at 80-200mph, then yes, strap one on. But I don't see too many baseball, hockey or lacrosse games breaking off inside of XSport Fitness. I know enough to give such a person a VERY wide berth. So I cowered in an adjoining cubby until this dinosaur had fully clothed and vacated the premises. Modern science has given us numerous comfortable and highly superior products for family jewel security such as compression shorts, active briefs, and nearly all athletic shorts manufactured with some sort of support insert such as brief or boxer brief. So why, other than to prove some sort of point to no one, would you ever choose a jock strap which leaves your ass cheeks exposed like you're some goddamn gay cowboy in the porn movie "Brokebutt Mountain VII: The Revenge of Billy McButtfuck"??? You are either insane, or you've been in a coma since 1971 and think that jock straps are still standard issue for 6th grade gym class. Either way, please stay home when you are wearing a jock strap and play "light sabers" or "Harry Potter" with your imaginary friends and leave us normals at the gym the fuck alone.