The Baby Bjorn Carrier is Fun

Do you see how utterly and completely happy everyone in this true photo to the left is? Smiling, content, comfortable, preppy, near some artistic sandstone somewhere? This is a family that plays together, and obviously they are happier for it. ERRONEOUS! Erroneous on all counts! I broke mine out of the box for the first time yesterday. You need a goddamned degree in astro-physics from MIT, with a minor in mechanical engineering, to figure out how to put this thing on. I went from happy as a little lark, to seething with murderous rage, in approximately 3 minutes flat. These happy, handsome Swedes can kiss my fucking ass. Where is the slip-on version? I want to buy that. Had my wife not intervened and showed me how to use it (she already went to hell and back with the users' guide on a previous day), the half-assembled Bjorn would have been in the middle of Division Street yesterday afternoon, you can bet your bottom dollar. And when I finally managed to properly hook up the 42 separate buttons, snaps, clips, pulls, ropes, adjusters, and parachute cord, I can promise you my 6 week old baby looked absofuckinglutely nothing like that little asshole in this picture. She screamed bloody goddamn murder for several minutes while I furiously paced the condo trying to figure out how to unsnap everything my wife already snapped before leaving me to my death. After 5 minutes of a baby screaming at its shrillest volume 4 inches from my right ear, and covered in thick sweat, I finally calmed her and began my journey. She promptly took a dump 2 blocks from our building, so I got to inhale that as it wafted directly into my breathing jet stream for about 40 minutes. All-in-all it was a really great time. I recommend that if you are a first time user, open it up and begin reading the booklet 4 hours prior to your desired leave time. Also, it would not hurt to recruit a nerdy Indian guy from your local institute of technology for assistance.