Chicago Weather Forecast:

Today's Forecast: It is going to be fucking hot today, with a chance of swamp ass.  Wednesday: Hotter than a freshly-raped fox in a forest fire*.  Sport-wipe necessary when you finally get to your office, as swamp-ass is guaranteed.  Thursday: Hotter than a nun's cunt in the African Marathon.  Pack an additional outfit to change into at the office because Thursday's swamp ass laughs maniacally at your sport wipe.  Friday: Who fucking gives a shit anyway?  Chicago's weather is the biggest bullshit in China.  All extremes, all the time.  Never pleasant and comfortable more than a day at a time.  And what really gives me a red ass is the fact that due to these extremes, the weather dick always gets to say "We've had an average _____________ ".  Yeah, because 4 99's and 26 57's statistically average out to a "Normal" June.  Fuck you Skilling.  As soon as someone calls me on the phone out of the blue and offers me a high paying job in San Diego-despite the fact I've never even looked for a job there-I'll move so fast your mom's head will spin.  What I do have is some random floater Coors Lights in the fridge at home.  If I just merely open one, will that frosty cool train barrel through my condo?  Or do I have to actually acquire some paint and draw a tunnel or other access point for the train first?  I'm unsure of proper protocol. 

*My first ever "real job" after college was at an old-timey publishing company in Boston.  This phrase landed me right in the HR office for some reeducation.  I was a total fish out of water in that job.  Freshly out of state school in Ohio where anything goes, I land in a very prim and proper publishing firm with a ton of private/boarding/girl's school types.  Not a great mix.  Don't get me wrong, many of these people were quite to very cool, and I am friends with several to this day.  However, there were many who wouldn't know a good time or a joke if either walked up and took a shit right on their face.  So I'm in this tiny little office "collating" (which means you are NOT a very important person at the company, given this job is now done by copying machines) a shitload of documents with others in my position level, and a slew of temps.  No circulation in there, and we are shagging ass trying to get ready for the national sales meeting.  Without thinking twice, I drop "It's hotter than a freshly raped fox in a forest fire in here".  Record screeches to a halt.  Crickets chirping.  Tumbleweed blew by.  A look from this one private school chick like I'd just been arrested for kiddie porn or something (and I know it was her that dropped the dime on me, I'll swear that to my grave).  Boom, day later and I'm in the HR office being grilled like I just quit my job, sold my house, grew a long beard, started wearing a long robe and moved to Dearborn, Michigan.  My boy Ron (who was a cool guy, just doing his job) starts up with the "So Zachary, tell me in what context you think rape is funny?" and "Do you condone rape?".  I mean shit, I've heard that phrase a half dozen times while working on a roofing job during the summer in central Ohio.  Nobody said bully to anyone uttering that phrase on the roof, so why is it any different at a stodgy publishing firm in the heart of the pretentious Northeast?  Bullshit in my opinion.  No Ron, I don't condone raping people.  However, I do think the idea of a somehow raped fox (by whom or why? that is part of the awesomeness) racing wildly about in the midst of a forest fire is pretty goddamned funny.  Well, I learned that day what is funny on a roof in the Midwest is not necessarily funny at Simmons or Smith College in Boston, MA.  And now I know, and knowing is half the battle.