This is the bullshit of all bullshits! It is snowing like a goddamned son-of-a-bitch outside. And what is Scout doing? Sitting in this fucking condo with two infants and the chick who is in charge of wiping their asses all day, with my dick in my paw like a sap. Staring out the window at Seward Park just watching the snow pile up. To those who aren't in the know--Scout is a snowhound. Love to roll in it. Love to eat it. Love to run in it. Love to chase snowballs. Love to growl at and/or snap at any other dog who comes close to me while I eat a snowball. I just fucking love snow; bottom line. And here I sit all broken hearted, tried to shit but barely farted. Evolution really crammed it in ol' Scouter's ass with the not having opposable thumbs bullshit. This is key, and here's why. The front door to this condo--I absolutely know how to open it. Stand on my hind legs, put my front paws on the handle, let gravity take it down. Effectively door is open. But fuck you Darwin! Scout has nothing with which to hold the door handle while he walks backward. Oh woe is me! If I had opposable thumbs, I'm out that door before the babies or their minder can even yell "Scout, NO!". I'm down the hall, and the next step is a piece of cake; jump up and paw the down button on the elevator. Hit 1 once inside (and fuck you to anyone who says dogs can't read numbers. you know what they can do? hit every single fucking button and then wait to get out of the elevator once it opens on the one that looks like where I exit the building to go shit). The inside door in the Lobby, as well as the front door to get to the vestibule.....easy breezy Japanesey y'all. Just a push button and the doors swing out. Scout is tearing up snow and barking at mutherfuckers that get close so fast your head will spin. But since the humanoids have the thumbs I have to wait for their stupid asses to get home, make stupid ass faces at my sister, read about how many times she ate liquid food or took a dump throughout the day, pretend like they don't see the Scoutmeister, and then maybe....maybe I get to go outside and start pounding snow. C'mon fate, can a brotha get a thumb? Just one thumb. I'm not even asking for two. With one lousy, ugly, fat fucking thumb, just think what Scout could do. Open the door and go out in the snow and do whatever the fuck I want without dad's stupid ass yelling "NO!" when I eat goose shit (delectable btw). Open the treat cupboard and crush the sweet potato treats. Open the drawers they stick the bones and elk antlers in once they feel it has reached the point Scout might bite a mutherfucker over it. The sky is the limit. But without the biological key to this puzzle, Scout lays on his memory foam bed with his postcard view of the world he is locked out of. FML.
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