Blue Pill or Red Pill?

So I'm trying to legitimize this pig by moving over to a URL, which I've now procured.  Wait until you get a load of the domain name, a blockbuster of epic proportions.  On the recommendation of a friend I'm currently scanning "Word Press Themes".  After scanning about 150 of these fuckers, I came to a bit of an epiphany.....I have no earthly fucking clue what Word Press is, and I sure as shit don't know what a theme is all about.  So I do what any razor-sharp Internet baron does, I Google-searched "What is a Word Press Theme".  Christ on a fucking bike.  If I'm not in the Matrix, then I don't know who the fuck is.  These explanatory web sites are popping off at the mouth about overlaying "graphical interfaces", "underlying unifying design", "customized template files", and "skinning my weblog".  Fuck. Right. Off.  Skinning my weblog.  Listen here nerd, I know a little bit about skinning my log, and it has nothing to do with the fucking Internet.  Well, I take that back, since about '96 it has had everything to do with the Internet.  But go fuck yourself just the same.  How deep does the rabbit hole have to go?  I feel like comets and asteroids and math equations are flying past my head at light speed and I'm all like:  "WHHHHOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHH   BRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"  Can we slow shit down for just a hot second and get a nerd over to my living quarters, post haste?  I bought the goddamn domain name, and to my horror I find out I've got to go take C++ at the local community college and watch "Tron" like 20 times before I can proceed with using it.  Of all the kicks in the balls.  All I want is for some web'ish person to come over to my crib and build this shit, pro bono.  I know exactly how I want it to appear: Like Bitchin' and Badass banged out and had a kid, and that kid snorted about 6 lines of Fuck Yeah, then started grinding on chicks at a club.  And the chicks are vampires.  But not goth weirdo vampires, rather hot sexy vampires ala Kate Beckinsale in "Underworld".  Is that too much to ask goddamn it???  So if anyone is looking for me this week I'll be in my condo throwing a computer around like Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller in "Zoolander".  And to sweeten the deal I've got a new Mac that I haven't the foggiest how to use and have made zero effort to learn.  At least a sleep-depriving 5 month old baby doesn't also live in my condo.  Oh wait, shit.