The Scout Chronicles: If that Miniature Poodle at the Corner of Sedgwick & Goethe Looks at me One More Fucking Time.......

......I swear to God we're going to fucking Fist City. I've tried to be the bigger dog and let his bullshit go unchecked for the last fucking time. Little asshole is a savage and has no place in decent society. Someone should leave his back door open and allow him to go run with the coyotes, see how long he lasts. You can push Scout, but only so far. And then the fangs come out, and they are sharp. I'm 50% golden retriever and 50% poodle. However, I'm 110% bad mutherfucker. Just ask dad what happened last time he tried to fuck with me when I was chewing my bone. He felt the wrath of the teeth, that's what. Not one person in the neighborhood likes this asshole. Not one. He once escaped the confines of his wrought iron fenced-in yard and attacked the Scoutmeister. I tried to use techniques I learned from watching The Dog Whisperer, but the fuck if it worked. I tried to purse my muzzle and make that "Ssshhhhtt!" sound, but all that came out was a bark. Unfortunately the bark seemed to escalate the situation. So now I've got this vicious little mouse-fart of a poodle jumping for my neck with teeth bared. Hood-rats across the street doubled-over and laughing their asses off at the Scoutmeister's expense. Mom screaming like it was a pit bull. I don't need any of this shit, you know? I tried to walk away, brush it off, be mature about things. And where did that get me? Street cred, fucked. Now when I walk through Old Town I hear other dogs talking, "Let's kick Scout's ass and take his sweet potato treats", "Oh, here comes that punk bitch Scout, I heard he got worked over by a squirrel", or "Scout pisses like a girl" (I don't lift my leg because I'm self-conscious about my dick, get off my fucking back already!). Now Scout is backed into a corner. Next time that cockroach escapes on Sedgwick, flashes his teeth out on the lane....I'm going to end his fucking day, with extreme prejudice. No more Mr. Nice Scout. My granddaddy was a Mississippi leg hound who used to huff antifreeze and get into fights with junk yard dogs. You wanna go mano-y-mano with the Scoutmeister you fucking poodle piece of shit? Bring it son. I will take you down to Chinatown. And when someone finds a curly blond hair in the dim sum later that night, don't fuckin' look at Scout, that's all I'm sayin'.