How did I Ever Wake Up in the Morning and Breathe Air Without an iPhone?

Now that I have the iPhone 4 on Verizon, I am very puzzled about the following: Prior to having this iPhone, how was I NOT in the fetal position in the corner of an abandoned warehouse fraught with tremors and pissing myself? How the fuck did I find my way around? Street signs? Positioning of the sun? Intuition? Relationship of current location to Lake Michigan? Give me a goddamned break. May have worked for Magellan, but that was the dark ages Jack. This is 2011 bitch. Time to quit thinking and start relying on instant gratification technology. How did I listen to music? Did I just carry a phone around AND an iPod? Christ on a fucking bicycle, what a waste of pocket space! Here I am carrying on archaic human interactions such as talking and making eye contact, like a fucking sucker. May as well take out a piece of paper, a pencil, and write a goddamn letter. No more my friends. My eyes are glued to my iPhone 24/7. You want to exchange some pleasantries huh? Fuck off, I'm Tweeting. I've almost been run over thrice just this past week as I wandered into traffic totally oblivious to the world outside my smart phone. It is so awesome! It has this great stay-in-shape application I downloaded. So instead of working out and eating whole food, I can instead spend all of that time plugging random foods into the app and watching it spit out meaningless information about calories. Who wants to run along the lake when you can just do that? Idiots and assholes, that's who. This whole ADD phenomenon? Solved--Just give people with ADD iPhones; it is much cheaper than recognizing and working to solve the problem. With all the time I'm saving by consolidating my life on iPhone, I'm going to have a shitload of time that I can spend fucking around with my iPhone. And tell grandma I'm sorry. I have been too busy on my iPhone to be able to talk on the phone.