Nice Orange Face Asshole

Its been 14 degrees and cloudy for the past 3 months in Chicago, and your fucking face is orange. Were you on vacation? Oh really, you were? It must have been at a beach resort on the planet Alderon, in the Dagoba System. Because here, on Earth, our largest star (we call it the sun) is only capable of turning your skin two colors: brown or red. It doesn't have an orange setting.

What is it you think is appealing to others--and I presume you are trying to appeal to the opposite sex--about having unnaturally orange skin? Are you trying to score some Oompa Loompa cock/pussy? If you are that is totally cool. You just may consider moving to Loompaland, because I haven't seen any of those creepy little fuckers running around here lately. Everyone gets it; you're Caucasian. They know how it works. If you are outdoors frequently in months where the sun's orbit is closest the earth, and for our region this is May-September, your skin can become a tan color. When the sun's orbit is far from our earth, your skin is its normal hue: white. No one is surprised by white skin in January. Least of all other white people. In contrast, everyone is surprised by orange skin: white people, black people, Asian people, Mexicans, everyone. When your skin is chemical orange, all peoples come together and agree you look like an assclown of the highest order.

So please, do everyone a favor, yourself included: If you have so little to offer that you are considering turning your skin fake-tan orange....just kill yourself. That way everyone wins.

Brett Favre Douche-O-Meter

Has broken foot/ankle. Wants to play this week, not to help team, but rather to continue consecutive games started streak that only he and John Madden care about. Insistence on playing will have direct negative effect on team. Recent quote: "I've played through injuries that most people wouldn't even attempt."

THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

Expect "Gunslinging", Brett Favre passes completed to people NOT wearing Vikings jerseys, limping off field as though amongst wounded at Verdun, pained "warrior" faces on sideline sans helmet, general assclown behavior.