Could Somone Please Buy Me the Brett Favre "The Streak 297 Starts" Autographed Football for Christmas....

.....So that I can punch you right in your fucking stupid face.

And then de-friend you on Facebook. Then block all of your email addresses. Then erase your phone number from my cell. Then call your parents and tell them I saw you making out with a gay dude at a bar, in the corner behind the jukebox, to an Elton John song, and your hand was in his pants. Then break into your house when you aren't there and download "Hardcore Elementary School Orgy" onto your hard drive with a shortcut on the desktop called "Sand Storm". Then call the Department of Homeland Security anonymously from a pay phone and tell them I overheard you talking to a Jihad'ish looking dude at the WalMart, about "Operation Sand Storm" and that all the plans are on your hard drive. Then give them your address. Then the week before you go to prison I throw you a "Going Away to Prison" party. At the party I slip a shitload of roofies into your drinks. When you are passed out from the roofies I pay a tattoo artist to come over and tattoo a giant set of awesome tits on your back, so that when you get to prison dudes will want to rape you more. Then while you are in prison getting bitched out to the Mexican gang by your cell-mate Big Ronnie, I get your sister and your mom addicted to heroin. Then I turn them out to start tricking, in the neighborhood of an ethnic group you don't like. At the end of their long day of tricking I give them a cheeseburger and take all the money they made, possibly a slap in the face. Then I show up to all your parole hearings and tell them you send mail to me from the joint talking about how you are going to get out of prison and trick out a white van with window-black, beaded curtains and track lighting and start hanging out at local elementary schools and "show all the kids what they've been missing". At some point during this time I killed your dog with antifreeze.

Brett Favre Douche-O-Meter

Brett Favre was injured in Sunday’s action, a sprained throwing arm shoulder. Brett Favre has been telling the media this week that it hurts in the only way Brett Favre tells the media that he is hurt: By sounding very mellow-dramatic and making sure it seems that although the situation is dire and Brett Favre could die at any moment, Brett Favre could very well get up and take the American flag from a fallen comrade and lead the colored 54th Infantry into Fort Wagner ala Matthew Broderick in Glory. Or in Favre's case, throw 3 interceptions, lose one fumble, and come hobbling off the field as though Brett Favre won the game by merely showing up. Brett Favre told the media that it "Hurts to put socks on".

Threat Level: SEVERE

Expect: Ed Werder hourly tweets that "Brett Favre still day-to-day"; Brett Favre hinting that Brett Favre doesn't know if he can do this anymore; Brett Favre convincing himself that if Brett Favre had been in command of the German army at Stalingrad they could have overcome the Soviet winter and accomplished the dream of German lebensraum; Brett Favre saying that Brett Favre is going to be the lead actor in Something About Mary 2; Announcers blaming Brett Favre interceptions on Brett Favre pain.

Urban Meyer Boldly Attempts to Out-Douche Bag Brett Favre

Urban, you've got a long row to hoe if you want to supplant Bayou Brett as sports' most egomaniacal, narcissistic douche bag. But brother, you're well on your way. Last December you lost the SEC Title game to fellow It's All About Me asshole extraordinaire Nick Saban. You were undefeated going in, and had you won you would have been in the national title game and everyone would be talkin' Urban all the time, and not the dude Nicole Kidman is fucking. But you lost, and no one was talking about you. Like Hitler you couldn't fucking stand it, so you invaded Poland. Actually you just held a self-press conference to announce you died of a heart attack or got AIDs or were in love with Tim Tebow, or whatever, you said you couldn't handle it and were walking away. You got more than you could have ever hoped for when ESPN fell all over itself like only ESPN can do, and started fellating you around the clock. Once everyone was talkin' Urban again, you had a miraculous comeback 48 hours after you walked away. The fawning went into hyperdrive. You used your Jesus-rising-from-the-dead story to steal a recruit from Ohio State by texting him that God told you he should come to Florida. Fast forward one December later and we've got deja vu. Urban the family man is walking away again to be with his family. Last year he needed less than two days to be with his family. How long this year? It was interesting that last year's retirement coincided with losing the SEC Title game to Saban and not getting what you wanted. Just as interesting is how this year's retirement coincides with a bad year for Florida leading to playing in the Toilet Bowl where no one is going to talk about you because the other coach is 83 year old Joe Paterno. I'm pretty sure you won't be with your family for very long this year either. Type-A egotistical assholes don't care much for their families because although they are a part of you, unfortunately they aren't actually you. You might unretire from Florida again. You might take the Miami job. You may even go fill the coaching vacancy in Denver so you and your life partner Tim Tebow can take long hikes in the Front Range and fill each other's "vacancies". Whatever it is, you are a douche bag. Keep your nose to the quit and unquit grindstone and one day soon you might get to fly in the same rarefied assclown air as your mentor Brett Favre.

P.S. Your daughter is hot.

Brett Favre Douche-O-Meter

Held mid-week press conference to explain that he is "hurting". Made sure to emphasize that it wasn't a big deal. He is a warrior and is playing through it. It doesn't affect him. It is an excuse for his brilliant 4 turnover (3 INTs, 1 fumble) performance previous week versus Bears, but it doesn't affect him. Brett Favre IS responsible for absorbing massive amounts of pain that would have the rest of us mere mortals lying in the fetal position drinking from a bottle of morphine. Brett Favre is NOT responsible for the turnovers that Brett Favre's body commits. The injuries and the "hurting" are responsible for those. Brett Favre the man and body is only responsible for playing through the "hurting" and being a warrior. Brett Favre the man and body has never committed turnovers and lost games. Only the "hurting" commits turnovers and loses games.

Threat Level: MODERATE

Expect more interceptions to be thrown by the "hurting", Turkey Bowl game in which everyone wears Wrangler jeans and no cleats, sexting dick pics to your mom and sister, hanging out in hot tubs with teenage babysitters and Mark Chmura while Mrs. Favre and Mrs. Chmura pray to Jesus. With the Brett Favre Threat Level at Moderate, holiday travel should not be impacted.

Brett Favre Douche-O-Meter

Has broken foot/ankle. Wants to play this week, not to help team, but rather to continue consecutive games started streak that only he and John Madden care about. Insistence on playing will have direct negative effect on team. Recent quote: "I've played through injuries that most people wouldn't even attempt."

THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

Expect "Gunslinging", Brett Favre passes completed to people NOT wearing Vikings jerseys, limping off field as though amongst wounded at Verdun, pained "warrior" faces on sideline sans helmet, general assclown behavior.