Um, no. Actually no fucking good news at all. To be honest, what I got doesn't even qualify as "news" in any way, shape or form. I was taking Scout out for his morning dump today when we were approached by two lovely and pleasant African American ladies. We wished them good day and they reciprocated. Then the most handsome of the two asked if I would like some good news? Well obviously I want some good news. Sign me the fuck up Senora. My mind was spinning at the possibilities. Did they just bake some kick assed cookies and were handing them out? Did one of them just win the lottery? Was my neighborhood being rezoned as a giant sports bar and chicken wing emporium and they were going to compensate us for the trouble and give me a lifetime discount on wings and beer? Come the fuck on lady, I cannot bear the suspense for one more second. And then she dropped a giant, poorly-formed, spinach-green turd in Scout and my morning punchbowl: A fucking Jesus newsletter. Scout tried to lift his leg and piss on her on general principal, but I advised him against it. Why is a pamphlet full of very poorly-written horseshit about a guy I never met, somehow good news for me? That is really fucking far from good news lady. Certainly not horrible news, like someone I love just got maimed or Kriser's discontinued selling Scout's preferred brand of sweet potato treats. But good news it ain't. Here are some examples of good news:
-The more-attractive-than-you girl you went home from the bar with at 2:15 a.m. after your 7th round of tequila shots wakes up in the morning and decides she actually wants to have sex with you again
-The office building you work in burnt down overnight (and no one was injured in any way)
-You just took a huge dump
-"Roadhouse" is going to start on TBS in 3 minutes, and your pizza has already been delivered
-Your team just scored it's 101th point of the game, which ensures you get a free Dunkin Donuts coffee in the morning
-WHAM! is getting back together
Here are some examples of bad news:
-Your HIV test came back "Inconclusive"
-You just sharted, and it is only the top of the first inning
-You are being audited by the IRS
-You find out the morning after a drunken blackout that you agreed to go to a Nickelback concert
-You think someone is about to tell you something really awesome, and instead they hand you a fucking pamphlet about a guy that died 1,979 years ago for your right to go hang out in a cloud village after you die and have ZERO fun because everything fun is outlawed there
Good news my left nut. I felt so damn bad for Scout that I actually gave him some good news shortly thereafter, which was that I was adding a dollop of peanut butter to the top of his whitefish breakfast. I don't want him to be disillusioned as well. I told the ladies that next time they set foot in my fucking hood, they'd better be packing brownies, minimum.
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