Davis Love III New Ryder Cup Captain MUTHERFUCKERS!!!

Got the opening of AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" turned up to 11 in my dome right now and I ain't turning down the dial until the UnitedfuckingStates of Fuck You wins the Ryder Cup. You see that pants tent I'm pitchin'? Been there since I saw the glorious announcement that my main shit stain D-Love Triple accepted the captain post for the U.S. Ryder Cup team. Mark my words: You haven't seen a North Carolinian kick this much ass since Andrew Jackson torched Seminole villages to the fucking ground in Florida 1817. That is what DL3 is about to unleash on those effete Europeans. This is just like W.T. Sherman heading into Atlanta. Only instead of hardened Union soldiers bent on destruction, this is out-of-shape golf pussies bent on winning a trophy only dorks care about. I've already purchased an entire golf-watching ensemble: pleated Nike golf pants; polo shirt; United States windbreaker; Titleist visor; Foot Joy golf spikes. And you better fucking bet I'll be polishing those spikes every single day between now and when I'm firmly planted on the margins of a fairway via my spikes at the Ryder Cup screaming "You Da Man!!!" as DL3 studies the direction of grass growth. THUNDER...NA-NA-NA, NA-NA, NA-NA!

The Fat, Pan-Handling Asshole is Back on my Corner Again

This fat bastard has been on the corner of Adams and LaSalle, in front of the Brooks Brothers in the Rookery building, for yonks. His manual of operation, during the years I've had the honor to pass by him and not contribute dick to his GDP, is always being on his knees (on concrete), holding out a hat and with a fake tear or two streaming down his face. I am not a heartless person who has no compassion for poor and starving people. There are starving people all over the world that I feel quite terrible for. However, all of these starving people have a couple of things in common:

1) They are not wearing a brand new Allen Iverson3 football jersey
2) They are not 125lbs overweight

I am not going to delve into the subject of why you would ever buy the jersey of a player in a sport they don't play. This is a black cultural thing that I am not meant to understand. Sort of like how spectators at a golf tournament who are there to watch and not play golf, wear their fucking golf spikes, is a white cultural thing that black people are not meant to understand. But I digress. You've got to sell it to me buddy. Don't cry to me about how you are starving and need some food when you're sitting flush with AI3 gear and have eaten yourself into type 2 diabetes.

The Ryder Cup is Over, Now What the Fuck do I do?

Probably jump off a bridge or try and shoot my weight in black tar heroin. The Ryder Cup is over, America lost again, and now all I have is NFL football, college football, MLB playoffs, English Premier League soccer and the basketball season about to start. Who fucking cares? Nothing else can stiffen a dick like America's best privileged arrogant country club assholes versus Europe's best privileged arrogant country club assholes in a winner takes nothing contest of Lets Go Hit a Stationary Ball and Walk Slowly Behind It. The pageantry, the mystique, the raw athleticism, the complete and utter lack of comprehension of the theory of "team". If you give even one flying fuck about the Ryder Cup and root vehemently for the United States to win, then you probably also rooted for Judge Smails and Dr. Beeper to beat Danny Noonan and Ty Webb. So take your USA Ryder Cup hat, your horizontal striped polo shirt with the fill-in-the-blank dickhole golf tournament emblem on the chest, your golf tournament watching spikes, and go fuck yourself.