Could Everyone Quit Fucking "Checking In" Already

The Internet giveth, and the Internet taketh away. We as humans cannot blame the Creator for the sharks or the influenza or the cockroaches or The View or any of the Kardashians. We can only praise him for the good things in the world. He is not to be held responsible for anything negative which exists in the universe he/she/it(we can't rule out that a creator who created RuPaul is a Boston-Batwanger itself) created. In much the same way we cannot hold Al Gore responsible for any negative spectres which have materialized in the Internet world he created. Al Gore is to be praised only for YouTube groin injury videos, pornography, anonymous character attacks and The Star Wars Kid. Al Gore is not responsible for Perez Hilton, Trojan Horse viruses, Graigslist rapes, and he sure as goddamned shit isn't responsible for this insidious "Checking In" suckfest on Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg is responsible for that atrocity, and may he be damned all the way to hell and back for it. No one cares what new fair-trade coffee shop/Hello Kitty vintage schwag store in Brooklyn you and your iPad-toting hipster douchebag friends just walked into. No one is impressed that you checked into the just opened Rockit Ranch bar du jour in Chicago, when in reality you are standing outside freezing your dick off with your brahs behind a velvet rope with visions of cherry bombs dancing in your head. Rather than sit here and bitch while offering no resolutions per usual, here are some ideas I have for check in destinations that someone might actually care about:
-John Doe checking in @ some pussy
-Mike Hunt checking in @ blacked out drunk
-Hung Low checking in @ my coke dealer's car
-Jane Hoe checking in @ office bathroom, 3rd stall, masturbating vigorously
-Seymour Butts checking in @ Ray's Big 'Ol Titties and Chicken Wing Shack
-Joe Blow checking in @ Lindsay Lohan's box
-Anthony Cooker checking in @ alley behind liquor store, stabbing vagrant to death to see if they bleed real blood
-Ima Tweeker checking in @ Red Roof Inn, shooting meth under toenails
-Michael Jackson checking in @ little boy's booty
-Paul Cook checking in @ strangling hooker
-Missy Urcock checking in @ methadone clinic
-Ron Awesomeheir checking in @ fucking your sister. no seriously, fucking your sister, hard
-Oprah Winfrey checking in @ in the closet
-Sandra Lovesdik checking in @ welfare office
These are some places we might actually want to show up and watch what you are doing. But so long as you are "checking in @ Golden Gate Bridge", go ahead and disable this feature in Facebook. Unless of course you are jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Then by all means, let us know.

Could Somone Please Buy Me the Brett Favre "The Streak 297 Starts" Autographed Football for Christmas....

.....So that I can punch you right in your fucking stupid face.

And then de-friend you on Facebook. Then block all of your email addresses. Then erase your phone number from my cell. Then call your parents and tell them I saw you making out with a gay dude at a bar, in the corner behind the jukebox, to an Elton John song, and your hand was in his pants. Then break into your house when you aren't there and download "Hardcore Elementary School Orgy" onto your hard drive with a shortcut on the desktop called "Sand Storm". Then call the Department of Homeland Security anonymously from a pay phone and tell them I overheard you talking to a Jihad'ish looking dude at the WalMart, about "Operation Sand Storm" and that all the plans are on your hard drive. Then give them your address. Then the week before you go to prison I throw you a "Going Away to Prison" party. At the party I slip a shitload of roofies into your drinks. When you are passed out from the roofies I pay a tattoo artist to come over and tattoo a giant set of awesome tits on your back, so that when you get to prison dudes will want to rape you more. Then while you are in prison getting bitched out to the Mexican gang by your cell-mate Big Ronnie, I get your sister and your mom addicted to heroin. Then I turn them out to start tricking, in the neighborhood of an ethnic group you don't like. At the end of their long day of tricking I give them a cheeseburger and take all the money they made, possibly a slap in the face. Then I show up to all your parole hearings and tell them you send mail to me from the joint talking about how you are going to get out of prison and trick out a white van with window-black, beaded curtains and track lighting and start hanging out at local elementary schools and "show all the kids what they've been missing". At some point during this time I killed your dog with antifreeze.

EMERGENCY BROADCAST: Katy Perry Shows Some Cleavage on Seasame Street....Pick up the Red Phone and Call Fucking Batman!

That is the last straw, I'm packing up the wife and kids and moving to fucking Iran. I will not sit idly by and tolerate my children or anyone else's children being exposed to evil, dirty, vulgar, partially-exposed breasts. If you expose a child to this sort of pornography rest assured they will be face-down on a urine-soaked sofa in the basement of an abandoned home with a heroin needle dangling from their arm, the only sign of life being the festering herpes sores in their nether regions, by the time they are 19. Sesame Street, along with their harlot Ms. Perry, have brought great shame and bad tidings to our nation this day. I just don't know how you can ask children, resilient though they may be, to recover from briefly viewing the upper 35% of a set of breasts? For the love of God, someone please find us an army of psychologists to try and work the children through this heinous event.

I do have one small thing I'd like to point out to all the mentally-challenged people who are up in arms about this: ALL KIDS SUCK ON TITS. How do you think you were nourished the first 1-9 months of your life you sanctimonious cunt? Was it "Immaculate Feeding"? One of the most indelible images burned into the brains of babies is staring for large periods of time, multiple times per day, at a set of tits. Seeing a pair now is not going to cause them to torch their daycare to the ground or collapse into the fetal position quaking with fear. I'm sure they are probably wondering "Where are the nipples?", but I think they're going to get through this just fine. Instead of worrying about Sesame Street having the audacity to not hide nature from nature's children, instead get your fucking kid out from in front of the TV and have them run around or read a book. And then fuck off, asshole.

*In this picture, doesn't it look like Elmo is saying "Daaammnnn! Look at them titties!"