Blue Pill or Red Pill?

So I'm trying to legitimize this pig by moving over to a URL, which I've now procured.  Wait until you get a load of the domain name, a blockbuster of epic proportions.  On the recommendation of a friend I'm currently scanning "Word Press Themes".  After scanning about 150 of these fuckers, I came to a bit of an epiphany.....I have no earthly fucking clue what Word Press is, and I sure as shit don't know what a theme is all about.  So I do what any razor-sharp Internet baron does, I Google-searched "What is a Word Press Theme".  Christ on a fucking bike.  If I'm not in the Matrix, then I don't know who the fuck is.  These explanatory web sites are popping off at the mouth about overlaying "graphical interfaces", "underlying unifying design", "customized template files", and "skinning my weblog".  Fuck. Right. Off.  Skinning my weblog.  Listen here nerd, I know a little bit about skinning my log, and it has nothing to do with the fucking Internet.  Well, I take that back, since about '96 it has had everything to do with the Internet.  But go fuck yourself just the same.  How deep does the rabbit hole have to go?  I feel like comets and asteroids and math equations are flying past my head at light speed and I'm all like:  "WHHHHOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHH   BRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"  Can we slow shit down for just a hot second and get a nerd over to my living quarters, post haste?  I bought the goddamn domain name, and to my horror I find out I've got to go take C++ at the local community college and watch "Tron" like 20 times before I can proceed with using it.  Of all the kicks in the balls.  All I want is for some web'ish person to come over to my crib and build this shit, pro bono.  I know exactly how I want it to appear: Like Bitchin' and Badass banged out and had a kid, and that kid snorted about 6 lines of Fuck Yeah, then started grinding on chicks at a club.  And the chicks are vampires.  But not goth weirdo vampires, rather hot sexy vampires ala Kate Beckinsale in "Underworld".  Is that too much to ask goddamn it???  So if anyone is looking for me this week I'll be in my condo throwing a computer around like Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller in "Zoolander".  And to sweeten the deal I've got a new Mac that I haven't the foggiest how to use and have made zero effort to learn.  At least a sleep-depriving 5 month old baby doesn't also live in my condo.  Oh wait, shit.    

Internet "Security Checks" Suck

I don't get it.  Like if your cpu is hacked, and someone is trying to buy some tickets to a monster truck rally on Ticketmaster, or post the blog you just wrote to your Facebook page, this is going to stop them dead in their tracks?  Are you telling me that if some computer programmer cum internet wizard has the skills to intercept your internet session, they are going to see this and scream, "Fuck!  I can't read!  Or type!"  And the words/symbols they use....are you fucking kidding me?  Our example to the left is actually an outlier in that it comes within a mile of rational.  I guess I understand a Gnarled Ambassador.  I'm pretty sure when Jimmy Carter sent his drunk redneck brother to Africa to represent America, it was as a "Gnarled Ambassador".  However, much more frequently the letters run together and appear so faded and hazy, that you have to make a best efforts guess at what the hell it actually says.  Yesterday afternoon was my breaking point.  I promise you I am not making this up.....There was a barely legible nonsensical word on the left, which is par for the course.  However, on the right were Chinese language characters.  And don't anyone ask, "Was it Mandarin or Cantonese?", because I don't fucking know.  Well guess what Internet, I think I'll go with "Try different words", because last I checked my Mac which I purchased here in the United States, DOESN'T HAVE FUCKING CHINESE CHARACTERS ON IT.  Who knows, it probably does contain a program whereby you can type in Chinese, but given there are about 5,000+ characters in their language, I might have to clear up my schedule for a few days to sort through them all to match with the Security Check.  And I sure as shit am not going to "Try an audio captcha", not now, not fucking ever.  What the shit is an audio captcha?  These programming nerds need to be put in their place, stat.  Quit making up bullshit words like captcha and just call it something that makes sense to those living outside The Matrix, like "audio recording".  Seriously, fuck The Matrix for emboldening these assholes.  Who knows, maybe this was an actual joke, and a couple of dudes named Kushbandalianapoor and Zhiang Qian wearing Teva sandals and navy blue dress socks under their desks in Silicon Valley were watching me get meat-head pissed at a computer through my laptop's camera and IM'ing laughter emoticons to one another, even though they sit next to each other and have no divider wall.  I'm going to laugh my ass off when the Tea Party starts WW III and after the armageddon these dickholes are all back in their mom's basement on public assistance.  Gnarled Ambassador....I'll give you Gnarled Ambassador!      

Could Everyone Quit Fucking "Checking In" Already

The Internet giveth, and the Internet taketh away. We as humans cannot blame the Creator for the sharks or the influenza or the cockroaches or The View or any of the Kardashians. We can only praise him for the good things in the world. He is not to be held responsible for anything negative which exists in the universe he/she/it(we can't rule out that a creator who created RuPaul is a Boston-Batwanger itself) created. In much the same way we cannot hold Al Gore responsible for any negative spectres which have materialized in the Internet world he created. Al Gore is to be praised only for YouTube groin injury videos, pornography, anonymous character attacks and The Star Wars Kid. Al Gore is not responsible for Perez Hilton, Trojan Horse viruses, Graigslist rapes, and he sure as goddamned shit isn't responsible for this insidious "Checking In" suckfest on Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg is responsible for that atrocity, and may he be damned all the way to hell and back for it. No one cares what new fair-trade coffee shop/Hello Kitty vintage schwag store in Brooklyn you and your iPad-toting hipster douchebag friends just walked into. No one is impressed that you checked into the just opened Rockit Ranch bar du jour in Chicago, when in reality you are standing outside freezing your dick off with your brahs behind a velvet rope with visions of cherry bombs dancing in your head. Rather than sit here and bitch while offering no resolutions per usual, here are some ideas I have for check in destinations that someone might actually care about:
-John Doe checking in @ some pussy
-Mike Hunt checking in @ blacked out drunk
-Hung Low checking in @ my coke dealer's car
-Jane Hoe checking in @ office bathroom, 3rd stall, masturbating vigorously
-Seymour Butts checking in @ Ray's Big 'Ol Titties and Chicken Wing Shack
-Joe Blow checking in @ Lindsay Lohan's box
-Anthony Cooker checking in @ alley behind liquor store, stabbing vagrant to death to see if they bleed real blood
-Ima Tweeker checking in @ Red Roof Inn, shooting meth under toenails
-Michael Jackson checking in @ little boy's booty
-Paul Cook checking in @ strangling hooker
-Missy Urcock checking in @ methadone clinic
-Ron Awesomeheir checking in @ fucking your sister. no seriously, fucking your sister, hard
-Oprah Winfrey checking in @ in the closet
-Sandra Lovesdik checking in @ welfare office
These are some places we might actually want to show up and watch what you are doing. But so long as you are "checking in @ Golden Gate Bridge", go ahead and disable this feature in Facebook. Unless of course you are jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Then by all means, let us know.