Tis the Season for Bubble Talk Nerds

The NCAA Tournament is fun.  The upsets, the fantastic finishes.  One-and-done at its best.  In my opinion it does no better job of pairing the two appropriate teams for the national title game than does the BCS system in college football.  I actually think it does a worse job.  But that isn't the point, nor does it mean I think it is any less exciting because of that fact.  What is the point today is that the lead-up to the actual tip-off of the first game of the NCAA Tournament is one of my very least favorite times of year.  It is when every hyper college hoops fan with way too much time on their hands starts screaming to anyone who will listen that a 19-11 Virginia Tech team that was left out of the field is getting totally fucked in the ass with a sandpaper reach-around, while a 21-13 Washington State team doesn't deserve to be there.  It is by far one of the most frivolous, pointless, meaningless and utter wastes of fucking time that exists in the world.  Who gives a flying fuck?  Unless you are in charge of the yearly sports budget for the university who didn't make it, then why do you care?  Neither the team left out, nor the team who took their place, has a snowball's chance in hell of winning the whole thing.  Instead of crybabying around like a bunch of pussies, the "left outs" should just look in the mirror and say, "You know what Larry, we shoulda won another game or two and we wouldn't be in this predicament".  "Yep Chuck, you nailed it.  If we hadn't stayed out late getting lap dances from Belorussian whores back in December and lost the next day to Shitbag Tech at the Holiday Tournament, we are in the field of 68.  Lesson learned.".  But no, asshats are going to be shouting through the idiot box at hot heads watching from their living rooms about how the committee needs to be audited because Georgia Tech's win over Drexel back in December should be weighted more heavily than Alabama's win over UNLV in November.  The time would be better spent masturbating to grainy 1970's big bush porn.  At least something happens at the end.  Nobody "on the bubble", whether in or out, could ever win anyway.  Go argue the existence of dinosaurs with the Creationist wingnut who hangs out on the corner next to 7-11.  You'll get more satisfaction. 

Blue Pill or Red Pill?

So I'm trying to legitimize this pig by moving over to a URL, which I've now procured.  Wait until you get a load of the domain name, a blockbuster of epic proportions.  On the recommendation of a friend I'm currently scanning "Word Press Themes".  After scanning about 150 of these fuckers, I came to a bit of an epiphany.....I have no earthly fucking clue what Word Press is, and I sure as shit don't know what a theme is all about.  So I do what any razor-sharp Internet baron does, I Google-searched "What is a Word Press Theme".  Christ on a fucking bike.  If I'm not in the Matrix, then I don't know who the fuck is.  These explanatory web sites are popping off at the mouth about overlaying "graphical interfaces", "underlying unifying design", "customized template files", and "skinning my weblog".  Fuck. Right. Off.  Skinning my weblog.  Listen here nerd, I know a little bit about skinning my log, and it has nothing to do with the fucking Internet.  Well, I take that back, since about '96 it has had everything to do with the Internet.  But go fuck yourself just the same.  How deep does the rabbit hole have to go?  I feel like comets and asteroids and math equations are flying past my head at light speed and I'm all like:  "WHHHHOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHH   BRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"  Can we slow shit down for just a hot second and get a nerd over to my living quarters, post haste?  I bought the goddamn domain name, and to my horror I find out I've got to go take C++ at the local community college and watch "Tron" like 20 times before I can proceed with using it.  Of all the kicks in the balls.  All I want is for some web'ish person to come over to my crib and build this shit, pro bono.  I know exactly how I want it to appear: Like Bitchin' and Badass banged out and had a kid, and that kid snorted about 6 lines of Fuck Yeah, then started grinding on chicks at a club.  And the chicks are vampires.  But not goth weirdo vampires, rather hot sexy vampires ala Kate Beckinsale in "Underworld".  Is that too much to ask goddamn it???  So if anyone is looking for me this week I'll be in my condo throwing a computer around like Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller in "Zoolander".  And to sweeten the deal I've got a new Mac that I haven't the foggiest how to use and have made zero effort to learn.  At least a sleep-depriving 5 month old baby doesn't also live in my condo.  Oh wait, shit.    

Internet "Security Checks" Suck

I don't get it.  Like if your cpu is hacked, and someone is trying to buy some tickets to a monster truck rally on Ticketmaster, or post the blog you just wrote to your Facebook page, this is going to stop them dead in their tracks?  Are you telling me that if some computer programmer cum internet wizard has the skills to intercept your internet session, they are going to see this and scream, "Fuck!  I can't read!  Or type!"  And the words/symbols they use....are you fucking kidding me?  Our example to the left is actually an outlier in that it comes within a mile of rational.  I guess I understand a Gnarled Ambassador.  I'm pretty sure when Jimmy Carter sent his drunk redneck brother to Africa to represent America, it was as a "Gnarled Ambassador".  However, much more frequently the letters run together and appear so faded and hazy, that you have to make a best efforts guess at what the hell it actually says.  Yesterday afternoon was my breaking point.  I promise you I am not making this up.....There was a barely legible nonsensical word on the left, which is par for the course.  However, on the right were Chinese language characters.  And don't anyone ask, "Was it Mandarin or Cantonese?", because I don't fucking know.  Well guess what Internet, I think I'll go with "Try different words", because last I checked my Mac which I purchased here in the United States, DOESN'T HAVE FUCKING CHINESE CHARACTERS ON IT.  Who knows, it probably does contain a program whereby you can type in Chinese, but given there are about 5,000+ characters in their language, I might have to clear up my schedule for a few days to sort through them all to match with the Security Check.  And I sure as shit am not going to "Try an audio captcha", not now, not fucking ever.  What the shit is an audio captcha?  These programming nerds need to be put in their place, stat.  Quit making up bullshit words like captcha and just call it something that makes sense to those living outside The Matrix, like "audio recording".  Seriously, fuck The Matrix for emboldening these assholes.  Who knows, maybe this was an actual joke, and a couple of dudes named Kushbandalianapoor and Zhiang Qian wearing Teva sandals and navy blue dress socks under their desks in Silicon Valley were watching me get meat-head pissed at a computer through my laptop's camera and IM'ing laughter emoticons to one another, even though they sit next to each other and have no divider wall.  I'm going to laugh my ass off when the Tea Party starts WW III and after the armageddon these dickholes are all back in their mom's basement on public assistance.  Gnarled Ambassador....I'll give you Gnarled Ambassador!