Tis the Season for Bubble Talk Nerds

The NCAA Tournament is fun.  The upsets, the fantastic finishes.  One-and-done at its best.  In my opinion it does no better job of pairing the two appropriate teams for the national title game than does the BCS system in college football.  I actually think it does a worse job.  But that isn't the point, nor does it mean I think it is any less exciting because of that fact.  What is the point today is that the lead-up to the actual tip-off of the first game of the NCAA Tournament is one of my very least favorite times of year.  It is when every hyper college hoops fan with way too much time on their hands starts screaming to anyone who will listen that a 19-11 Virginia Tech team that was left out of the field is getting totally fucked in the ass with a sandpaper reach-around, while a 21-13 Washington State team doesn't deserve to be there.  It is by far one of the most frivolous, pointless, meaningless and utter wastes of fucking time that exists in the world.  Who gives a flying fuck?  Unless you are in charge of the yearly sports budget for the university who didn't make it, then why do you care?  Neither the team left out, nor the team who took their place, has a snowball's chance in hell of winning the whole thing.  Instead of crybabying around like a bunch of pussies, the "left outs" should just look in the mirror and say, "You know what Larry, we shoulda won another game or two and we wouldn't be in this predicament".  "Yep Chuck, you nailed it.  If we hadn't stayed out late getting lap dances from Belorussian whores back in December and lost the next day to Shitbag Tech at the Holiday Tournament, we are in the field of 68.  Lesson learned.".  But no, asshats are going to be shouting through the idiot box at hot heads watching from their living rooms about how the committee needs to be audited because Georgia Tech's win over Drexel back in December should be weighted more heavily than Alabama's win over UNLV in November.  The time would be better spent masturbating to grainy 1970's big bush porn.  At least something happens at the end.  Nobody "on the bubble", whether in or out, could ever win anyway.  Go argue the existence of dinosaurs with the Creationist wingnut who hangs out on the corner next to 7-11.  You'll get more satisfaction. 

China, Fucking Step Your Game Up

One of the hot news items of the day is the huge bench clearing brawl that the Georgetown Hoyas got into yesterday with the Bayi Rockets in China.  The Rockets are a professional basketball team in China.  The Hoyas are on an exhibition tour of China, playing basketball games along the way as some sort of bullshit culture sharing hippy drum circle time waste circle jerk.  I have watched the video of the brawl about a dozen times now.  I'm really not sure who is to blame for instigating it, and frankly I could fucking care less.  Here is the major problem I have with this brawl that one of my favorite basketball teams, the Hoyas, got into with a bunch of Chinese thugs: Not a single solitary kung fu move in the entire brawl.  Not one.  What is the point of fighting, China, if you aren't going to use kung fu?  Do you think the French would get into a brawl without running around in a circle flapping their arms and screaming like little girls before surrendering?  Hell no.  So why wouldn't you use your competitive advantage?  You know who really lost in this fight?  The fans.  They are sitting there just waiting for their countrymen to show these black American men the crouching tiger AND the hidden dragon.  Instead it is all disjointed haymakers and flailing around on the ground.  The party bosses back in Beijing are not going to like this one fucking bit, you can count on that.  Going to sentence all those pussies to 5 years hard labor in a Mongolian prison camp and make them watch Bruce Lee movies every fucking night.  Bayi Rockets, you shamed an entire nation today.    

LeBron James: The Anti-Black Mamba

What a PUSSY. MJ and Kobe can't stop laughing at this complete and utter tit. 6'8", 240lbs, runs like Secretariat, jumps like a kangaroo. Strong as a fucking ox. Has the heart of a 67 year old African American male from the deep south who is 80lbs overweight, has hypertension, diabetes, and has been eating 3 squares of fatback and cheese grits his entire life. Makes that lion in The Wizard of Oz look like fucking Bill Russel on steroids and cocaine. Clutch time rolls around, "King James" clinches up tighter than a virgin's honeypot on prom night. Can't wait to get rid of that ball. Forgets everything he knows about being awesome at basketball. Pisses down one leg, shits down the other. You give him the ball down 1 in the 4th quarter with 30 seconds to go, he cries for his mama. Unfortunately she is getting balled 6 ways from Sunday by Delonte West, so she can't hear him. If it were the NBA Finals and Scottie Pippen would have even thought about dominating down the stretch, but then thought better about it and still passed to Mike....Mike would have known he considered it by the look in Pippen's eyes. And after MJ won the game, he would've waited outside the arena after the game, underneath Pippen's car, and when Pippen tried to open the door MJ would've taken out a blade and severed his Achilles. Would've spit on him as he writhed in pain and told him "Clutch time's owned by MJ, mutherfucker". King Lames couldn't score on my grandma with the game on the line.

I have a one time, goodness of my heart, can't miss deal for the Miami Heat: Sign me as an unrestricted free agent. They only have to change one small thing. I'll play for league minimum. They can leave LeBron in the entire season, 45 minutes a game. I won't do shit but wave a towel and get Gatorade for the starters. However, when they go deep in the playoffs, sub me in for LeBron for the 4th quarter. Boom, problem solved, titles won. Lots of 'em. And you know why? Because I have fucking ice water in my veins. You are at the gym, the park, someone's backyard court and our pickup game is 13-13, and you pass the ball to me, guess what happens? Drained 3, 15-13, us. Game over. Will translate easily into the NBA. I don't give a shit if I miss, I'll shoot it again. You know what I won't do? Pass the ball, when I'm wide the fuck open, to some asshole who sucks. It will not happen. I want to hit the game winner. Makes me feel like a big man. I am 5'6" and white as all hell. I am not fast. I have an average, at best, vertical. My handles aren't what they were 15 years ago by any stretch. But I have the heart of a goddamn lion and I won't puss out like King Lames. And as an added bonus, I'll wear short shorts right off a poster from 1979. On every 4th quarter nailed three in the NBA Finals, you'll know right where my balls are. You know what else you get? The sickest, low-down fucking nastiest 5'6" white post game, possibly on planet Earth. So when you throw me the ball in the 4th quarter and I'm guarded by JJ Barea's little ass, I WILL NOT throw the ball back to Dwayne Wade at half court. I WILL NOT get called for a charge. I WILL post him the fuck up and unleash an array of baby hooks, left-handed baseline fades, Hakeem turn arounds, and up-and-unders that will leave him punch drunk and begging for the bench. I'll face him up, and as I'm faking right I'll throw up an one-hand, overhanded with the left shot that he won't even see go in the hoop. It looks like someone did a hard dribble and lost the ball, only you got scored on, bitch. I can post up dudes much taller than me. I would say that I will post up anyone, but after playing for several years against my friend Jed who is 6' 10.5", I now understand there are limitations to who I can post up. He recorded the kind of blocks on me that make your mom wince from 2 states away. I may possess zero of the physical tools that King Lames has, but I do have what he critically lacks: The heart of a goddamned lion. So Miami Heat, don't let this opportunity pass you by. You can substitute me into NBA Finals 4th quarters for your Class 1AA PUSSY forward, and I will handle all the business he is too much of a PUSSY to handle on his own. And for a fraction of the cost. But please be aware that I will not listen to one fucking word that tits-on-a-bull Eric Spoelstra has to say about anything. Seriously, just stuff a fucking scarecrow and put it on the bench, it will add more value to the squad than does Spoelstra.

If Ohio State Loses Tonight to that Slimy Fucking Snake Oil Salesman Back-Stabbing Scumbag John Calipari I'm Going to be so Fucking Pissed Off I Won't

Even be able to see straight. That is all. Have a nice day.

If a Trees Falls in the Forest and No One is there to Hear it, Does it Make a Sound?

This is a very pertinent question on 12/22/10. Why? Well, let me ask you this: If the UCONN women's basketball team breaks the all-time NCAA basketball record for consecutive games won, and no one gives a flying fuck, was the record really broken? If you ask me, I say UCLA still holds the record. If women's and men's basketball were essentially equal, maybe. But a simple comparison of the following will make it apparent that they are nowhere near equal:
1. Revenues generated by men's college basketball versus women's
2. Attendance at men's games versus women's
3. TV ratings of men's games versus women's
4. The number of different teams that have won a national championship in the past 25 years in men's college basketball versus the number of different teams which have won national championships in women's college basketball in the past 25 years
Very few people give a shit about women's college basketball. Sorry Ms. Femi-Nazi, but you can't look at the sky and argue it is magenta. This isn't a chauvinist thing, this isn't gender inequality, this isn't a male-dominated society trying to keep women in their place. This is facts. This is reality. There are a very small handful of teams in women's college basketball who are good. There a ton who absolutely fucking suck. It is like Brunei. Sure, the Sultan and a few of his homies are rick as shit, but then there is the rest of Brunei. In the past 16 years, there have been 6 different women's champions. UCONN has 7 of those titles, Tennessee has 5. 75% of the titles with two teams in this span, with over 100 teams total. In the 29 total years of the women's tournament existing, these two schools have won 15 titles, or 52%. No one else can win. Who cares that you are beating absolutely no one. If I take 4 of my friends to elementary school playgrounds and win 5,000 straight games, who gives a fuck? I will promise you that Hasbro Games is not furiously pumping out new versions of Trivial Pursuit to alter the answer to the question "Who holds the record for most consecutive games won in college basketball?" from "UCLA" to "UCONN". There is no reason to compare these records. Whatever the previous women's record was....well you eclipsed that. You didn't eclipse UCLA. Deal with it.