An Age-Old Question will be Answered this November

And that question is: Who do fundamentalist bible-thumping dipshits hate more; black people or people who don't believe in the same Jesus they believe in?  It is going to be a fascinating election in that we will know once and for all who the Jesus-loving, but black, Mexican, Jew, "liberal", equality hating bible-belt dislikes the most.  Who will their God tell them to go hate?  This is so exciting!  We're talking about a crowd who actually sent their menfolk to die for the right to enslave and beat the shit out of black people, but who also enslaved the blacks and killed the Indians because God told them it was cool if they did so.  The debate around the Baptist and Pentecostal dinner tables this fall should be absolutely electrifying.     

What is my gut telling me?  Well, here is my prediction: While they will no doubt be quite upset about the fact that Mitt believes in something that they have no concept of, but are pretty sure is some weird Northeasterer liberal-tainted horseshit, at the end of the day he believes in what they likely presume to be some sort of white, blue-eyed God somewhere.  And that might count for something to them.  And of course, he ain't "some Muslim fuckin' N%@#&R".  That is my bold prognostication.  There is just no way that a guy who is fighting to reform health care for the poorest people in the country, most notably bible-belt Southerners, can be trusted, when the guy in question is a fucking Muslim black guy whose name is obviously just a derivative of Osama bin Laden.  No fucking way.  They'll cast their lot with the weirdo religious freak they don't understand, know absolutely nothing about, and whose agenda is in direct opposition with anything that might make their lives even one cunt hair better, because hey, at least he's white.  That counts for something.  It is so damn sad for them that Santorum couldn't pull it out.  That is just the kind of low-IQ "family values" (family values of intolerance and hatred, of course) mutherfucker they would have loved to rally behind against this modern day Saladin. 

Public Service Announcement: Please Remember 9/11 Responsibly

I'll put this right up front instead of weaving it into the larger quilt of sarcasm and bile: I hate the yearly "Remember 9/11" manufactured bullshit.  It stinks and it hurts and it tries to make fools of us all.  There are two pieces of literature that I highly recommend everyone read, both of which play out in eerie exactitude each year at this time:

"Manufacturing Consent" by Noam Chomsky
"1984" by George Orwell

Both are relevant now in that they describe exactly what is behind all the "We will not forget" hullabaloo.  You know that you feel patronized to hell and back as the TV and the rest of the media world remind you to "Never Forget".  Why do you need to be reminded?  Who in their right fucking mind is going to forget that miserable day?  Go ask your great grandma what she was doing when she heard about Pearl Harbor.  Ask one of your parents if they remember the day Kennedy was shot.  Ask me or anyone else 32 or older if they can recall the Challenger explosion.  We're not going to forget, and they fucking well know that.  They don't care if you forget or not.  What they do care about is that they cram 10 megatons of American flags and crying fire fighters' children up your ass so you feel guilty and tune into some dramatized retelling of the day.  And this is exactly what Orwell and Chomsky are talking about.  In "1984", the citizens of Oceania must participate daily in the "Two Minute Hate", as images of their enemies attacking Oceania with heroic Oceanian citizens defending it are flashed across a screen.  They are whipped into a froth of hate at their enemies and love for their leader, "Big Brother".  This is also the focus of "Manufacturing Consent".  Chomsky brilliantly proves beyond a reasonable doubt how the government of a nation can use the media to "manufacture" the "consent" they need to let the military-industrial complex run amok and test out all its new shit on some undeserving group of brown people, e.g. "Shock and Awe".  When Cheney, Rummy and the gang were running this playbook to perfection 9 years ago, Chomsky spoke up and said, "Wait, why the fuck are we going to turn Iraq into a glass parking lot of sectarian violence?  What they fuck did they have to do with any of this?"  He didn't use those words exactly.  In fact Chomsky is one of the world's preeminent linguistics scholars and as such, his writings are difficult to read, to say the least.  I don't know if it is because Chomsky is so impressed with his own intelligence that he'd prefer his books are inaccessible to most, he doesn't know any other way to write, or he just loves the smell of his own farts.  Probably a combination of all of the above.  But he is telling the brutal truth, regardless if people want to accept it or not.  You watch enough images of smoldering NYC buildings, flashed images of Muhammed Atta, crying policemen, Osama bin Laden in front of a bookcase holding a Kalashnikov, the American flag, and guess what?  Pretty soon you're going to say, "Well Earl, probably bout time we go kick some feckin' A-Rabb ass!"  Chomsky was run out of town on a fucking rail by the "These Colors Don't Run" crowd sent to do their bidding by Cheney and Rummy, who are brilliantly evil and knew Chomsky was dead balls correct.

And this is exactly how the government can keep you sorta/kinda on board with the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, whatever the fuck they are claiming the oil heist in Libya is all about, etc, etc.  "What, you want to leave Afghanistan before the 'job is done'?  Ummmm, are you forgetting 9/11 comrade?  Are you with the terrorists?  Why don't you step away from the security line and come into this office.  Have you ever been to Guantanamo Bay?"  I'm not some commie red fucking bum who "Hates Merika" and "Don't support the troops", and I'm certainly not some pathetic bleeding heart liberal.  I love America, at least what it philosophically stands for.  And not the philosophy of enslaving blacks and only allowing wealthy, white, land-owning males to vote.  But the America of Neil Diamond.  The America of the Grateful Dead's "American Beauty".  The America of butt-fucking Adolf Hitler, not because we're gay, but because fuck him (and if they'd just listened to General Patton and not let the Reds win the race to Berlin, shit would've been a lot cooler).  The America of little league baseball, high school football, unprotected sex with the homecoming queen in her dad's Buick, of Kansas and it's infinite fields of utter fucking boredom.  The America of Teddy M.F. Ballgame Williams.  The America of bible belt hillbillies who love God and hate gays and blacks.  The America of Texas's right to be a state full of giant assholes.  The America of Arnold Schwarzenegger going from poor, steroid-injecting womanizer to rich, womanizing governor of California.  You need to ask yourself during the "Never Forget" marathon this weekend: What has been done in our name as a result of this despicable act?  If the goal of attacking Afghanistan was to hunt down Osama bin Laden and his minions, and he is now murdered and his minions largely murdered or in a Turkish prison having their ball sack gnawed on by rats, then why exactly are we still in Afghanistan with a helicopter full of young handsome Navy Seals being killed?  Read the goddamn history books.  The French thought they could tame Vietnam.  How'd that work out?  The Soviets thought they could tame Afghanistan.  How'd that work out? 

I'm not saying don't remember.  The families and friends of this tragedy have endured hardship that I personally cannot fathom.  I wish them the best that is possible in life going forward.  I will remember that day vividly, probably until I die, or at least until I'm shitting my pants in an assisted living facility and talking to a house plant about the pretty birds outside.  I will remember that scores of first responders whipped out their gigantic brass balls and went sprinting into fires to try and save people's lives.  I will remember spending that day in Joe's American Bar on Newbury Street in Boston because we were sent home from work and the public transit shut down for about 10 hours.  I will remember that people's lives were irreversibly set on a course of grief and misery.  And I bet if you asked any one of the thousands who died, or the tens of thousands whose lives are affected as a result, how they wished to be remembered or supported, very few of them would respond: "We want you to let the pentagon test out previously non-combat tested weapons of mass destruction out on two countries which had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks.  We want you to obliterate entire wedding parties of local peasants with accidental drone bombings.  We want you to drag our military women and men across the globe to the middle of a fucking desert and a high mountain desert and have them dodge improvised explosive devices until they lose their shit and commit suicide.  We want you to devote entire days every year to plastering the television with American flags and pictures of our children crying at Ground Zero so the media execs can make millions off of our heroism and our collective grief.  But more than anything, we want yellow ribbons.  Lots and lots of yellow ribbons."

Don't let the money-grubbing assholes in the media world win this weekend.  Please don't let that happen.  Don't let yourself get whipped into a Toby Keith soundtracked patriotic froth this weekend that the pentagon lobbyists can use to convince the government to prolong a meaningless, expensive and destructive war of occupation.  Don't sit inside watching the stars and stripes fly across images of smoldering steel until you have a seizure.  Do what the dead and grieving would want you to do in order to honor their memory: Go live your lives and live them well.  I understand what you are doing, but unfortunately a Facebook profile status of "America Will Never Forget 9/11" isn't going to alter history, nor will it set us on a positive path in the future.  Play with your kids outside.  Go to the beach.  Get hammered watching NFL football.  Smoke meth in a trailer next to a cow pasture.  Just don't get tricked into sitting about and feeling sorry for a bunch of people who would never want others sitting around and feeling sorry for them.  That isn't very American.   

Dear The Donald: You Might Want to Remove Obama's Balls from your Chin before you try to Talk Again

In an utterly stunning turn of events, The Donald's surprising streak of successful assholery came to a screeching halt this past weekend. Obama first drops the birth certificate on his ass. Which by the way, if you are a "Birther", you should be taken out behind the tool shed and raped to death with an old 2x4. No sense in wasting a bullet on your retarded ass; those cost money. The Donald did a decent job of spinning this as doing a great turn for the American people, proving their president has the right to be president. Great job Toupee, because he hasn't already been president for 2+ years. Then we fast-forward to Saturday night where Obama takes a giant Mexican food and Tequila dump right on The Donald's Chevy Chase. Roasted that asshat into the Bronze Age. Less than 24 hours later Obama is giving the green light on icing the world's #1 most wanted. Say what you will about this whole bin Laden affair, and I've said plenty. But you have to recognize the marbles it took for Obama to make this call. He could have dropped in a bunker bomb and obliterated everything close to Osama. But we would have never had the proof. So he goes with the summer action flick scenario with the Seals repelling in and shooting mutherfuckers at point blank. If that fails and Osama escapes, Barack is a GOAT. So what does The Donald do now? Hopefully shuts the fuck up. This asshole has never done anything in his life. He is a Trustafarian run amok. He took a huge inheritance and pissed it away as only a privileged assclown could. He gets by on arrogance and self-promotion. Unfortunately that is good enough in this era of bread and circus, but it doesn't make him any less a human parasite. If I'm Obama I would complete this hat trick and go +1 by pulling off a menage-a-trois with The Donald's wife and daughter. Obama is at that point where he is standing over The Donald as the The Toupee is in a death circle, and the Mortal Kombat announcer is yelling "FINISH HIM!". Banging his wife and/or daughter would ensure this fuckstick can't open his mouth in public ever again.

If We Ever Get Off Our Asses and Actually Capture Bin Laden, This is what Should Happen

Let's play make-believe for a moment and pretend we're actually trying to catch Bin Laden, rather than using him as an iron-clad excuse to continue to steal poor people's natural resources. So we've got a tactical unit out trying to negotiate with Afghan warlords over land we want to run a natural gas pipeline from the former Soviet Central Asia republics through, and Osama happens by, trips and falls into a cage. Now we've got that skinny asshole. In my scenario, everyone wins:

-Gather Osama bin Fuckstick and any of his other buddies we've got rotting in Morocco, Guantanamo, central Florida, whatever shithole we've got them languishing in, and fly their asses to NYC under cover of darkness.
-Build a giant WWF-style cage around all of Central Park with only one entrance/exit
-Gather up all police, fireman, transit authority, port authority, any first-responders in the NYC metro area
-Tell all of these people there is a party for them tomorrow at Madison Square Garden, be there 8 a.m. sharp
-When they show up the following morning, turn on the beer taps and bring out the hard liquor and serve them all the freebies they want
-Also give them copious amounts of cocaine. Anyone refraining from the cocaine, just put speed in their drinks
-While this is going on, take bin Fucko and associates to Central Park and lead them through the only entry/exit.
-Give all of them one Nerf brand weapon of their choosing. Nerf bazooka, Nerf rifle, Nerf baseball bat, etc
-Start showing images of 9/11 on the Jumbotron at MSG. Images of the towers, the towers collapsing, the fallen, the families of the fallen, the terrorists partying afterward
-While the images are being shown, play really aggressive metal with some sad songs mixed in. Every Rose Has Its Thorn at some point, for sure
-Let the entire liquor-addled, coked-up crowd from MSG out, and take them on buses straight to Central Park
-Hand every one of them an old-timey weapon as they exit the buses: brass knuckles, rubber truncheons, socks filled with rocks, etc.
-Announce to this crowd that within the cage currently surrounding Central Park is Osama bin Laden and numerous of his tee-totalling douche bag buddies
-Open the only entry/exit to Central Park and let them in

End of chat.