An Age-Old Question will be Answered this November

And that question is: Who do fundamentalist bible-thumping dipshits hate more; black people or people who don't believe in the same Jesus they believe in?  It is going to be a fascinating election in that we will know once and for all who the Jesus-loving, but black, Mexican, Jew, "liberal", equality hating bible-belt dislikes the most.  Who will their God tell them to go hate?  This is so exciting!  We're talking about a crowd who actually sent their menfolk to die for the right to enslave and beat the shit out of black people, but who also enslaved the blacks and killed the Indians because God told them it was cool if they did so.  The debate around the Baptist and Pentecostal dinner tables this fall should be absolutely electrifying.     

What is my gut telling me?  Well, here is my prediction: While they will no doubt be quite upset about the fact that Mitt believes in something that they have no concept of, but are pretty sure is some weird Northeasterer liberal-tainted horseshit, at the end of the day he believes in what they likely presume to be some sort of white, blue-eyed God somewhere.  And that might count for something to them.  And of course, he ain't "some Muslim fuckin' N%@#&R".  That is my bold prognostication.  There is just no way that a guy who is fighting to reform health care for the poorest people in the country, most notably bible-belt Southerners, can be trusted, when the guy in question is a fucking Muslim black guy whose name is obviously just a derivative of Osama bin Laden.  No fucking way.  They'll cast their lot with the weirdo religious freak they don't understand, know absolutely nothing about, and whose agenda is in direct opposition with anything that might make their lives even one cunt hair better, because hey, at least he's white.  That counts for something.  It is so damn sad for them that Santorum couldn't pull it out.  That is just the kind of low-IQ "family values" (family values of intolerance and hatred, of course) mutherfucker they would have loved to rally behind against this modern day Saladin. 

Dear Obama: What the World Needs Now is a GANGSTER

Barack, this is fucking serious.  This is 4th and 19, down 6, with 37 seconds to go in the Super Bowl.  You have before you a unique moment in world history, and you are the quarterback of the best team.  This is your chance to be Churchill laying on top of buildings in London screaming "Fuck you!" at the Waffen S.S. as they rained bombs on the capital, or FDR telling everyone to get fucked while he handled bidness.  The United States just had it's credit rating dropped because everyone with half a dick knows we're all but fucked.  Europe is at the precipice of monumental financial disaster which will result in them fracturing back into the nationalistic aggression which brought us Napoleon, Bismarck, WWI and WWII.  There is a goddamned mob running amok in London for Christ's sake.  We're in the middle of two useless tit wars that are fucking killing us financially and bankrupting us morally.  And the straw that broke the camel's back....a fucking hurricane just waltzed into New York Fucking City and shut down the subway system.  20 years ago a hurricane tries to invade New York City, it probably gets stabbed, a gang-beating minimum.  The world hungers for Mad Max.  America thirsts for Braveheart (Gibson hates playing heroes, doesn't he?).  And who are you giving them?  Fucking Carlton Banks, thats who.  Please, for the love of Crom, snap out of your goddamned "Change" coma and go straight gangstah on all these mutherfuckers right now!!!  Not next month, not after the election, but tomorrow.  You are home from vacation and it is time to put heads to bed.  These political parties, which are barely discernible from one another at this point, are the biggest bullshit in China dude.  Useless fucks, all of them.  No interest in getting anything done, at all.  Nothing but bitching, whining, and blaming each other for the problems they are paid to solve.  If you listen Obama, and listen right now, there is still time to act.  This is what you can, and most certainly should, do:

Drop your pussy-assed Carlton Banks "let's compromise" bullshit that is designed only to get you reelected.  Everyone sees through the ruse, so just let it go.  Drop the suit and tie, and show up to Capitol Hill tomorrow in a Sean Jean sweatceudo and a bandana with a sideways, straight-billed Raiders hat over it, sporting Air Force Ones.  Channel your inner O-Dog from "Menace II Society".  Walk into that Capitol Building with an an entourage blaring the most aggressive Tupac you can find from a boom box, with a fucking gangster lean and yell, "Break yo self bitches, O-Bomb bout to preach!"  Walk up to John Boehner, pull out a gat, and shoot him directly in the orange fucking head.  As an Ohioan, I am deeply embarrassed by this pussy.  He tans, he cries, he is a moron.  No one will lament his necessary death.  I would then recite Clint Eastwood's speech from the brothel at the end of Unforgiven.  Tell everyone in the building that if they don't want to die, to turn around and leave out the back door.  Tell them they are all gonna pay for what they done to Ned.  Turn around and find John Kerry.  Grab him by the collar and pistol-whip him right in the horse face.  Don't even offer an explanation.  Tell him if the next words out of his mouth are not "Whatever you say O-Bomb", he's getting capped.  A pistol-whipping can only improve that mug.  After this business is completed, I'd call Nancy Pelosi out onto center stage.  Make it seem like you are going to say something nice about her.  Then pull out a bottle of Dom, shake it up and start spraying it all over her face.  Shoot the floor around her feet and scream "Dance for us bitch!".  The first person who says something other than "Yessir!", walk up to them and stick the gun in their mouth.  Just start yelling "What the fuck you say bout my momma?!"  Now you've got everyone's attention.  You've left your Kansas behind my friend.  You've shed Carlton Banks and become Denzel Washington in "Man on Fire".  Killing for sport.  Now that you are calling the shots, you've got to make the hard decisions that none of these pussies and sleazebags are willing to make because it might get them unelected.  This is what G-Dubbyah did.  He just did whatever the fuck he wanted.  Unfortunately every decision he made was absolutely terrible and detrimental to the future of the nation and the world.  You've got to reverse all that shit.  Bring everyone home from Iraq and Afghanistan.  Put them to work rebuilding at home.  Trust me, plenty of shit is broken or about to break.  They are going to call you a socialist or say you are acting like a king.  But do you know who else they said that about?  Franklin Delanor Fucking Ballgame Roosevelt, that's who.  Do you think FDR cared?  He was too busy getting more ass than a fucking toilet seat, from a wheel chair mind you.  When times are darkest you do not need your leaders sitting around arguing over who fucked whose boyfriend back in '93 or who stiffed who for a $1,700 lap dance tab at The Titanium Titty in Tampa during the Young Democrats Convention in '01.  They need a warrior, a Kenyan Masai tribesman if you will, to start kicking ass and taking some fucking names.  Who gives a shit if the Tea Party calls you a socialist?  80% of them are racist, and I doubt 20% of them could correctly answer "What is socialism?" on a multiple choice exam, even if the other 3 choices are A) Ocean B) Tree and C) Car.  Just to be safe, I'd have them all rounded up and imprisoned in a labor camp in Nevada somewhere.  The GOP and the Democrats may be useless, but this rag tag army of unemployed, racist, xenophobic, jingoist, uninformed, tax-evading morons are NOT the answer.  I'd gladly trade any 10 of these assholes "guarding" the border for just 1 hardworking Mexican that wants to cross it.

What do you need Obama to make you realize where we are and what is needed?  Opportunity to go down as one of the all time greats is bending over in front of you, with it's skirt hiked up and undies on the floor.  Just. Stick. It. In. Brah.  Crom help us all if you keep pussy-footing around and we end up with some Bachmann'esque dipshit taking over in '13.  Where is the guy who voted against invading Iraq a decade ago?  Fucking find him, and find him fast. 

"Nothing is Fucked Here Dude. Come On, You're Being Very UnDude."

I'm totally kidding.  Everything is fucked.  Rioting in London.  Stock market going down faster than a Thai whore for a c-note.  U.S. credit rating downgraded (sorry, same principles for household financial management apply at the macro level as well).  U.S. Government is basically Milton from Office Space.  We're one more governmental gridlock away from putting their office in the basement and asking them to grab a can of roach spray and start exterminating.  I'd be prouder of my kid if they were a drug dealer or Vivid Video fluffer than a U.S. Congressman or Senator.  Little kids are being murdered in Chicago on a daily basis.  Some brazen asshole walked up to a guy in downtown Chicago on Monday in broad daylight during afternoon rush hour and shot the mutherfucker in the head.  "Nothing is fucked?  NOTHING IS FUCKED?  The goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain!"  And you know what?  Fuck it dude, let's go bowling.  That's what I say.  If you think anything you do is going to have any effect whatever on this clusterfuck, then have at it Hoss.  Fucking rail against shit on Facebook.  Fucking host a dick-licking MoveOn.org party at your house and sniff each other's farts and talk about "Change" all night.    Blame the GOP.  Blame the liberal media.  Blame lack of morals.  Blame Lady Gaga.  Fellate Tom Brokaw by talking about how America's "Greatest Generation" would storm the beach at Wall Street and kick all our asses if only they weren't too old and dead.  Blame the Tea Party (in all seriousness, those fucking losers need to be exterminated like common vermin).  Go vote for one of the two major political parties.  As for me?  I will finish the game.  I'm playing violin on the bow of the Titanic while you throw deck chairs off it.  The ship is going down, "At least I'm enjoyin' the ride..."

The Debt Ceiling Debate Explained for the Non-Child Molesting Politician Segment of the Population

It may seem complicated, but it isn't.  For anyone who has been unsuccessfully trying to avoid seeing these Washington fucktards playing dick-slap with each other over this recent hot-button issue, and not really grasping what is going on, this post is for you.  And don't feel bad that you don't get it.  It isn't you--it's them.  If you take away anything from this article, it should be that you've voted tits, on a bull, into government.  Here is the main problem, in a nutshell:

The United States was drunk as shit at an outdoor music festival.  It was hot as all fuck, and all the U.S. brought to wear was a tank top and shorts.  There was a big tent at the festival where shifty fucks on cocaine and failure were giving away "free" fisherman's caps and little water bottles with miniature fan attachments that blew a mist onto your face.  So the U.S. did what any responsible drunk person would do, and signed up for a Visa, a Master Card, an Amex, a Diner's Club, and yes, even a Discover Card.  Then when the U.S. woke up hungover the next day, they went to the mall to make themselves feel better.  They bought some jeans and a fall jacket and some perfume and a Coach purse and some Manolo Blahniks and got a mani-pedi.  That night they treated their friends to dinner and drinks, then hit the strip clubs and went wild in the champagne room.  Later on they ended up at Suzy Kim's Massage Parlor and since it was on the plastic, everyone answered "Happy Ending" when one of Suzy's minions asked "So whah airse ya wan baby?".  Some time went by and all seemed well.  They continued to shop online and eat dinners they couldn't afford, all the while making the minimum payments on the credit cards.  Then the housing market rationalized and suddenly they weren't selling 97 mortgages each month, and income began to dry up.  Suddenly the minimum credit card payments became their entire disposable income.  And guess what, next month money in is going to be < money out, and they can't meet the minimum payment on the revolving credit card debt anymore.  What to do??????

And here is what they do:

They call a huge circle-jerk party with all their most degenerate, lying, cheating, stealing, molesting, DUI'ing, racketeering, dick pic texting, intern-raping, sexual harassing, cross-dressing friends and do the most responsible, fiscally sound thing they can think of.....open up a new credit card to pay the minimum monthly balances on all the other credit cards, at the very handsome APR of 39.99%.

And that folks, is all she wrote.  We all have a line-blowing friend with a blow-out haircut that is doing the same, and it is no different with the U.S. Government.  I'm not passing any judgment on the decision to open the new credit card.  It is either file bankruptcy now with Peter Francis Geraci, or file bankruptcy later with one of PFG's esteemed colleagues after Peter Francis Geraci tragically dies in a Red Roof Inn under a highway overpass when a game of erotic asphyxiation with a prostitute goes awry.  It is only a matter of delaying the inevitable.  Just like when Bush & Bros brought us the bailout that has (as I predicted before he even won the election) now been blamed entirely on the Black Guy who had nothing to do with it.  I guess there is a chance our 4th and 88 with 0:02 on the clock Hail Mary hook and lateral play somehow goes Stanford vs. Cal and we avoid having to call the debt consolidation 1-800 number at 2 a.m. with an empty bottle of scotch next to our sofa and an aborted straight-razor cut on our wrist.  I mean why not?  Anything is possible, with God.  And once the Tea Party comes to power, we're going to have a straight flush to the God.  

Whoever is Putting These Foreign Chocolates in the Office Kitchen can Knock it the Fuck Off

If you are going to put chocolates in the kitchen for all to enjoy, fine. But have the common goddamn decency to make sure that the label is written clearly in 'Merican. Not fucking Frencher, not I-tie, and sure as shit not written in fucking mountain Nazi. When I open a chocolate that is wrapped with a picture of a red-cheeked elf goosing a 3 year old Swiss girl with golden pigtails, what am I biting into? I don't fucking know, that is the problem. Is it some kick ass real cherry in there? Is it some bush-league non-descript off white cream shit? Is it rat feces coating a spider monkey semen center? No one knows. So if you are going to print the label in your goaddamned effeminate, state sponsored socialist welfare, surrendering-ass pussy language, fine. Just don't export that shit to 'Merica, Jack. We speak fucking 'Merican here, not vagina.

Do Native Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving?

I really don't know. Do they? If they don't, then they sure as shit should. If not, then I guess they're with the terrorists. That original Thanksgiving was such a sweetheart deal for them I can't even stand it. The Pilgrims bent over and took one in the ass on that trade, and the Indians gave them a reach-around with a sandpaper glove. The natives welcomed the Pilgrims with a feast of local produce and wild game, of which they were previously ignorant and risked starving to death without the knowledge of. To repay the Native Americans the Pilgrims offered very generous gifts of:

Forcing them off their historic lands through violence

Pestilence and disease

The concept of greed

Raping of their women

Theft of land through alcohol intoxication, of which they were previously ignorant

Loss of their cultural identity

Poverty

Starvation

Mass genocide in the name of a god that they didn't even believe in

Mascot representation for American sports teams

So they had better well goddamned celebrate Thanksgiving because they obviously cleaned house on that day. It is like the time I traded the Billy Ripken "Fuck You Bat" to one of my dipshit buddies for a Michael Jordan rookie card. In summation, the Native Americans got raped, got alcoholism, live in squalor in marginal lands no one else wants, got diabetes, got wiped the fuck off the face of the earth, got some sweet beads and shells....and all they had to give up in return was some food, a little wacky tobacky and some knowledge on how to grow local and organic. So pass me some turkey and be thankful, Keemohsaabe.