Some Famous Asshole Needs to Start Wearing Skirts

And do it stat.  Been hotter than Texas asphalt in Joo-lie all summer and I've still got a pants crotch stuffed all up in my gear.  Yeah shorts are alright, but skirts are the cat's ass.  I wore a skirt once upon a time in college, for Halloween in Athens, Ohio.  Always a raucous affair.  Per usual I'd drank most of my disposable income by the end of the month, and at this particular time I lived in a house with 4 birds.  That did not last long, as men and women are not meant to live with one another.  At least not until they are ready to be miserable the rest of their days and thus get married.  But given my current lack of funding for a costume and the convenience of living with aforementioned birds, I had them dress me up as a bird myself.  I have to be honest with you, I was pretty fucking hot.  I was repeatedly hit on by this completely pissed Athens townie while at Pawpurr's, while his just slightly less pissed friends unsuccessfully tried to convince him I was a dude.  I had to tell him, "Listen, I'm not some dime store whore you bend over in the toilet.  You want under this skirt, you've got to take me to Applebee's and a movie, Don Juan."  He eventually fell on the floor and broke 2 of his remaining 7 teeth, which allowed me to pursue my buzz and realize the liberating effect of a breeze blowing right up your ass.  Outstanding!  I have no idea when or why men foolishly cast away their loin cloths and their kilts for confining pants.  If it were socially acceptable for men to rock skirts or kilts or what-have-you, I'd very quickly jump this bandwagon.  My uncle Charlie boldly adorned himself in Blackwatch kilt for my own wedding.  Those who weren't familiar with Charlie wondered quietly who the weirdo in a plaid skirt was, but as is Charlie's custom, he didn't give 1/2 a fuck.  I respected the shit out of it.  Unfortunately for me, I was cursed with giving a fuck, and as such I need to call upon Brad Pitt, George Clooney, that asshat Ashton Kutcher, or ideally Justin Timberlake to start sporting one around Beverly Hills.  As soon as that shit hit TMZ and Entertainment Tonight, yours truly would be emboldened to follow suit.  I've been jealous all summer when I see a woman in a summery dress and I know that her crotch is getting all sorts of oxygen that mine direly lacks.  I obviously wouldn't do something suicidal and wear it in the Bible Belt or to a county fair, where I would have to answer the question, "Hey faggot!  Are you some kinda faggot or somethin'?" until I eventually was relieved of my teeth and possibly tethered to the back of a pickup truck for a little scenic tour of the back roads.  If JT reads this blog, and I've no reason to think he doesn't, then get on it fucker.  My ass is sweaty.

Would Someone Please get these Fucking Skinny Jeans Out of my Face Already?

This fashion trend has been mildly annoying for some time now, but I reached my breaking point this past Sunday at Whole Foods. I was minding my own business in the check-out line when I noticed two lines over a fat fuck hipster of EPIC proportions in a pair of skin tight black skinny jeans. His feet had to be purple given how tight these fucking things were at the ankle. I'm not even going to attempt to describe this asshole in full. If I did the World Wide Web might explode. At minimum I'd have a seizure. Suffice it to say just the sight of this fucktard was enough to ruin even the sunniest of days. Whoever came up with the idea to sell skinny jeans to fat people should be sacked immediately, with much aggression. The highest waist size these things should be sold in for men is 28. If you are bigger than that, fuck off and wear some goddamn pants. Ultimately no one could legally buy these abominations unless they were in a band or could prove Swedish citizenship, if I had my way.

This virus initially started, as do all malignant fashion diseases, in Europe and spread to New York, America's most densely populated assclown hipster den. It should have died there but the virus went airborne and escaped the island to take root in the mainland. As I have a natural immunity to this pandemic I ignored the problem as people were suffering all around me. After my harrowing experience with the Hippo Hipster at Whole Foods I can no longer sit idly by as grotesque people over the age of 25 with stick-out-guts butter their hips so they can stretch these prepubescent trousers over their ample flesh. I haven't the foggiest idea how they get into or out of these pants. My best guess is that they have to jump into them from several stories above to apply the pants, while calling for the Jaws of Life to remove them at night.

My "Surf's Up!" SoCal buddy has informed this contagion has infested the greater Los Angeles area as well. I thought everyone in L.A. wanted loose-fitting, comfortable clothing that didn't impede their ability to be far-out? I guess I was wrong. And when I say "L.A." I am obviously not including the greater Hollywood area, which doesn't count as part of Earth.

I think these jeans are very practical if you are between the ages of 16-24, in a modern punk band, less than 140lbs, are addicted to herion, and have tiny feet. Everyone not in that demographic, please do the right thing and quit wearing them.