Can Charlie Sheen get any Awesomer???

If you are anywhere....a party, a bar, at work, at the ball game, at church, at a bar mitzvah, at your grandma's house for Easter dinner, anywhere....and someone tells you that "Charlie Sheen is out of control and needs help"....don't think about it for one second. Respond immediately by kicking that person directly in their dick and then drive a stake right into the middle of their heart. Because obviously they're dead and you need to take steps to make sure they aren't also a vampire. King Kong ain't got shit on Charlie Sheen! Chuck is up to his tits in liquor, coke, pills, hookers, yachts and porn stars. What the fuck does he need help with? His fucking taxes? The only help he needs is maybe an extra dick or two to occupy all this trim he rolls with. The news media is about to implode with sanctimonious bullshit over this non-issue. Who cares? Charlie looks pretty goddamned happy to me, not sure some boring assed rehab and a steady relationship with a "nice" girl is really what he's looking for. Charlie likes to drink vodka. Charlie likes to eat pills. Charlie likes to bang pros. Charlie likes to trash hotel rooms. And Charlie likes to get an up-close smell of Bolivian Marching Dust. If you don't like it, that is your problem--not Charlie's. You are up at 4:30 in the morning, at your desk high-stress slaving at 6:00, and probably don't get home until 7:00 p.m. Charlie is at an unknown location in the Caribbean on a rented yacht. He's got 1/2 a hollowed-out Bic pen in one hand, a glass of Grey Goose in the other, and Vivid Video's tart du jour bouncing up and down naked on his rod. So please explain to me just how in the fuck you are winning in this particular game? You ever see that Michael Jordan poster where he is about to dunk the shit out of the ball, right over top of a white-as-hell Jack Sikma of the Milwaukee Bucks who has a "Oh jeez, black man jump high" look on his Chevy Chase? That is what Charlie is doing to the world right now. He doesn't give one fuck what you or anyone else thinks about it. At one point during his tirade on a radio call-in show, he referred to Thomas Jefferson as a "Pussy". Why? I haven't a fucking clue, but he did it. The current score is Charlie Sheen 123, Us 0. Go Charlie, GO!!! If I tried to hang out with Sheen at this point, my life span would be measured in hours rather than years or days.

Mark My Words: "The Braylon Edwards Story" will End in Tears

Braylon Edwards is an egomaniacal, selfish asshole whose brain is incapable of processing abstract concepts such as "Others" or "Consequences". He cannot compute simple mathematical calculations like "This action + this action could = negative outcome". In today's professional sports environment people like him are a dime a dozen. But I have a gut feeling on this one. He's going to cause some very serious emotional distress for someone, a group of people, possibly even an entire team's fan base. He is big and strong and fast and could be an elite receiver. He never will be though, because he has zero heart, doesn't give a shit about anyone outside of himself and loves to drop passes. He was out drinking with Donte Stallworth in 2009 the night before Stallworth ran over a guy while driving drunk, and killed him. Most of us would look at that experience and say "Wow, I'm a rich guy with plenty of options outside of driving drunk and killing an innocent dude". Not this Class 1AA Asshole. Take a cab, dick. Hire a fucking driver. Also in the car when Edwards was pulled over were Jets players D'Brickashaw Ferguson and Vernon Gholston. Together these three morons are probably worth about a quarter of a billion dollars. They could have hired David Hasselhoff to drive them around in Kitt all night if they wanted (Assuming they were paying in cash, not sure the Hoff has any bank accounts left). I'm worth about a quarter of a thousand dollars and I know to call a cab if I'm hammered. Not Braylon. He's gonna drive. And if he kills someone, he doesn't give a fuck. That's their problem.

As a side note I was thoroughly disappointed when the Browns drafted this dickhole. I told everyone I talked to about it that I hoped they didn't. I was in attendance at the Ohio State versus Michigan game in 2004 in Columbus. Michigan had a highly ranked team which included Edwards. Ohio State was in the midst of a bad season and was starting a lot of young players. Edwards was considered one of the best WRs in the country at the time. I watched him get shut the fuck down by Ashton Youboty who was a sophomore corner back. He dropped balls and sulked like a little bitch. He didn't rise to anything and instead sat on the bench between series with an "I don't give a flying fuck" look on his face. I thought he was a pussy then, and he is a confirmed pussy now.