GOOD NEWS!

Um, no.  Actually no fucking good news at all.  To be honest, what I got doesn't even qualify as "news" in any way, shape or form.  I was taking Scout out for his morning dump today when we were approached by two lovely and pleasant African American ladies.  We wished them good day and they reciprocated.  Then the most handsome of the two asked if I would like some good news?  Well obviously I want some good news.  Sign me the fuck up Senora.  My mind was spinning at the possibilities.  Did they just bake some kick assed cookies and were handing them out?  Did one of them just win the lottery?  Was my neighborhood being rezoned as a giant sports bar and chicken wing emporium and they were going to compensate us for the trouble and give me a lifetime discount on wings and beer?  Come the fuck on lady, I cannot bear the suspense for one more second.  And then she dropped a giant, poorly-formed, spinach-green turd in Scout and my morning punchbowl: A fucking Jesus newsletter.  Scout tried to lift his leg and piss on her on general principal, but I advised him against it.  Why is a pamphlet full of very poorly-written horseshit about a guy I never met, somehow good news for me?  That is really fucking far from good news lady.  Certainly not horrible news, like someone I love just got maimed or Kriser's discontinued selling Scout's preferred brand of sweet potato treats.  But good news it ain't.  Here are some examples of good news:

-The more-attractive-than-you girl you went home from the bar with at 2:15 a.m. after your 7th round of tequila shots wakes up in the morning and decides she actually wants to have sex with you again
-The office building you work in burnt down overnight (and no one was injured in any way)
-You just took a huge dump
-"Roadhouse" is going to start on TBS in 3 minutes, and your pizza has already been delivered
-Your team just scored it's 101th point of the game, which ensures you get a free Dunkin Donuts coffee in the morning
-WHAM! is getting back together

Here are some examples of bad news:

-Your HIV test came back "Inconclusive"
-You just sharted, and it is only the top of the first inning
-You are being audited by the IRS
-You find out the morning after a drunken blackout that you agreed to go to a Nickelback concert
-You think someone is about to tell you something really awesome, and instead they hand you a fucking pamphlet about a guy that died 1,979 years ago for your right to go hang out in a cloud village after you die and have ZERO fun because everything fun is outlawed there

Good news my left nut.  I felt so damn bad for Scout that I actually gave him some good news shortly thereafter, which was that I was adding a dollop of peanut butter to the top of his whitefish breakfast.  I don't want him to be disillusioned as well.  I told the ladies that next time they set foot in my fucking hood, they'd better be packing brownies, minimum. 

Well New York, I Guess You can Add God to the Long List of People You've Pissed Off

You Godless, liberal, morons. You're basically France at this point. Some of the only people in the world who still liked you were Jesus and God. And you done gone and fucked that up too. Lettin' dudes marry dudes and chicks marry chicks, what are you thinking? It says right there in that oh so important book that this IS NOT allowed. You know the book. The one written by St. Paul and his homies to cash in on the memory of the charismatic Jesus after he was safely dead for 30 years so he couldn't read what they wrote and scream, "Fucking BULLSHIT! That never fucking happened!". It is crystal clear in THE BIBLE, you liberal fucktards, that being gay is WRONG. God was very clear about this point: He made all humans and loves them for what they are; unless what they are is a person who is chemically ever-so-slightly different than the statistical norm, and thus attracted to their own sex; in these cases he fucking hates the ever-living shit out of them and condemns them to hell for eternity. So, uh, New Fucking York, what exactly are you not understanding? Jesus taught us to love everyone, regardless of our differences. Unless those differences are homosexual in nature. Then fuck you. He clearly stated in NoLongerRelevant 19:36: "And I shall be quite cleareth regarding one fact...that if the aforementioned 'Good Samaritan' had encounteredeth a queer instead of his sworn enemy, then he haveth no choice but to picketh up a rock and smote this queer for his evil same-sex ways....and he shall encourageth others to join in his hate and stone this homosexual to the grave.....for I loveth all mankind, excepting of course for that sort of mankind." It is so goddamned clear New York, but you have your heads shoved so far up your smug, liberal asses, that you can't even read the fuckin' Bible for fear of having to put down your communist red New York Times. And so you do the unthinkable and allow two dudes named Bruce to legally join. And now you are fucked. Hordes of maniacal gays bent on destruction are going to sweep through your streets and hills and valleys, tearing apart good honest god-fearing straight families, torching their homes, and turning their kids gay by touching them on the head with their magic gay wands. You fuckin' asked for it, Mr. Smart Guy. And when God sends the fire and brimstone, or when the next natural disaster strikes New York and that asshole on the 700 Club points out it was because you legalized lesbian union, don't come crawling back to us sensible folk asking "WHY?".

PS--On a serious note....When I saw this story on the news the day of, I was really surprised. I had no idea anyone still gave a shit about this? Like there are states which still don't legally allow this? Are you fucking kidding me? How, in the name of God, does gay people marrying each other affect your life in any way, shape, or form? If you want to be grossed out or laugh like an 8th grader when you imagine the logistics of it, fine. But to actually go out and waste one minute of your life campaigning against it? How big of a fucking loser do you have to be? I mean clearly you've absofuckinglutely nothing to do with your day, or your life. What an awful existence to be pissed off about life happening normally, and not doing anything to bother you. Gay people have no more choice in their chemical makeup than do autistic kids. Why don't leave the anti-gay rally for a hot second and go scream at autistic kids as they leave their therapy sessions. Tell 'em they can't marry other autistic kids when they grow up. If you've spent 5 minutes of your life trying to stop gay marriage, then consider renting a UHaul, driving it to a pier, and pay a vagrant $100 to push it off the end of the pier right after you lock yourself in the back. Trust me, no one will fucking miss you. The most comical moment of the news report on the passage of this law in New York was an interview after the vote with a New York state senator. He was a black guy. He said, "So you're telling me a man is going to call another man husband, and a woman is going to call another woman wife? How is that going to work? I just feel bad for our children. They are going to have to grow up in a world where a man and woman getting married doesn't mean anything (shaking head with sad look on face)" Are you fucking kidding me you assclown??? Um, in case you didn't notice you are BLACK. How are you a state senator anyway? Do you want us to turn back the clock 50 years to a time when you couldn't have been a state senator, or even voted, because miserable ignorant fucksticks like yourself thought you were inferior due to your skin color? Someone should have walked up and shot that asshole directly in the face. So to everyone who is bent out of shape about this: Just go back to sucking at life quietly somewhere and leave everyone else alone. No one likes you anyway.

PSS--Big shout out to Iowa for being more progressive and modern than New York by beating them to the punch.

Save the Date: May 21st, 2011

Its a RAPTURE mutherfuckers!!! Jesus and God and the Apostles and Baby Jesus and Mary and Peter and Mother Theresa and Michael Jackson and all those hard-chargin' sons of bitches swooping down out of Heaven like a fucking shitstorm, zapping the fuck out of the sinners and non-believers and Muslims and murderers and blacks and Mexicans and Lindsay Lohan and everyone else that is getting their shit fucked 7 kinds of up in the Armageddon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hoooyahhhh!!!! In case you are some kind of goddamned idiot and weren't aware, this May 21st is the Martha Fockering Rapture. It is Biblically proven (which is about 10,000 times more serious than scientifically proven) that Jesus will come again on 5/21/11 and lay waste to the Jews, Buddhists, Catholics, immigrants, secular humanists, animals, people who believe in dinosaurs and all the other total fucktard assholes who think that the Earth is older than 6,000 years. I am going to bathe in the tears of new mothers whose children have yet to be baptized on 5/21/11. I am going to piss upon the faces of Jewish people who run soup kitchens and Catholics who volunteer at the Big Brothers, Big Sisters centers, as the warriors of Heaven skewer them with white-hot spears. I will inhale the smoke of smoldering children who have no souls because they are 2 weeks old and have not been baptized unto the One True God, the One I believe in who is obviously the only fucking One and all others are poseur pieces of shit who will sit idly by with their dicks in their collective hands as Team Jesus liquefies the bodies of their misguided followers. I am going to place jugs of wine and loaves of bread on my roof for Jesus when he comes on Rapture Eve. I will leave hay and water for his flying camels. I will have cognac and skunk weed for Jesus and Mary Magdalene so better to help them get their freak on in the guest room of my house, on the futon. I will be laughing my fucking balls off at all the Athiests as I ride the Evangelical Express straight up to Heaven and they sit there on Earth with that "Oh shit, the creepy assed Jesus-lickers were right" look plastered all over their Chevy Chases. "The world is not going to suddenly end on May 21st 2011 based on a few wing-nuts indecipherable interpretation of a collection of fiction writings 2,000 years ago." HAH! Fucking laughable mein! Have fun hanging out here on Earth, the piece of shit place you've lived your whole existence, while me and all the other borderline state-issued retards and ugly, social misfit creepoids that make your stomach turn every time you pass us on the street are going to be together partying our fucking tits off. Eat your hearts out morons!

Why are Dudes Compelled to Spit in Urinals?

It is a question as old as time immemorial. If you read the Bible, and you better fucking believe I read that pig every goddamn day, in Mark 7:22 we see the first reference to this age-old tradition: "As we had stopped our winebar crawl through Jerusalem so as to drain our lizards at Hebekiah's House of Grapes, so did Jesus of Nazareth steppeth unto the 2nd urinal from the left. Before Jesus blesseth the urinal with his lemonade he stoppeth and did expunge from his blessed mouth not one but two holy gobs of spit. Looking unto his faithful disciples did Jesus then proceed to whippeth it out and lay back his divine head and moan as the whiz left his being. And so it was." This is not a phenomenon I have ever been able to explain. It is one of those instinctual reflexes developed over millions of years of evolution. Its like falling and extending your arms to break your fall. In this case you approach a urinal, you spit. Why? I haven't the fucking foggiest. But everyone does it. Obama has spit in the urinal thrice already today. Hell, Hillary Clinton has probably spit in the urinal today as well. Perhaps when the urinal was invented it was thought an evil spirit lived inside, and the spitting was to prevent your dick being set on fire?